Today, while out by my chickens I decided to pick some grass for them. I had no where to rush off to, so I got to take a few moments of the day and spend with them. This is a rare treat as I don't get to do this very often. Usually I show up, feed them, make sure each one is healthy and ok, check their little coop fence line and head to work or the gym.
While bent over picking up grass, a large leaf landed next to me. This made me look up, look around and realize the lawn was filled with leaves that had fallen from the trees. Fall is approaching. Another season has passed and summer is coming to a close. Another year is going by, I'm getting older, life is passing me by even though I am trying to be conscious and live life, and not just be idle in life.
It made me sad. As my relationship, can I even call it that, with Phillip has ended and I am hurt, sad and feeling a loss of hope, I can't help but feel the heaviness on me. Soon it will be Christmas, the trees bare bones will be exposed, the temperature will have cooled and the year will be coming to an end. While I have been actively dating, and dating more men than I ever have at one time, the idea of having someone to share my life with no longer seems possible.
Halloween will be upon us and I will watch adorable little kids run around in costumes. Thanksgiving will be here and I will watch families gather around tables, hear friends and family speak of their traditional family dinner and I will be alone.
Christmas will come to us and although, I will be home with my family, I won't have a romantic partner as I had hoped to share the holiday excitement, or to possibly bring home with me to meet my family.
Once again...I am alone. Just like that leaf that feel from the tree and lies quietly in the grass, alone. I cannot quite express the level of sadness I am feeling, but it is heavy. My heart hurts and I am going through the day in tears. I'm broken, I'm sad, I hate that I am in this position from wanting to take a risk to see if I could find a good man, not just any man, but a good man to share my life and experiences with and share a future.
The tears fall like the leaves from a tree, slowly they streak down my face. My heart is heavy. My face hurts from crying. My friend Nicki thinks I should be patient and have faith in this man. I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Which sucks, because with what I have experienced in my life, I could be there for him, be that understanding partner to help him through. But, he wasn't interested, so I said good-bye and walked away.
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