Puffy Face
Today is day three of having my face swollen from crying. How bad does it suck to have an incredible, amazing, attractive man stand in front of you who says, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me and I can't be what you need right now"
Great, that is just fantastic.
How is it that I go onto an online dating site, meet a great guy who wants to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to date anyone.
I can't help but look at the swelling in my face and under my eyes and wonder how many more wrinkles this is going to cause and create. Great, age me some more, make me look worse.
I'm just broken and at a complete loss. I give up. I do, I can't keep doing this, the rejection, the hurt, the getting the hopes up, trying to do the right thing, trying to maintain balance with my approach.
I don't have enough in me anymore.
I miss Phillip's Mom and his dog...I miss Phillip, but that just can't matter anymore. Would love to be talking with his Mom and playing or snuggling up with Bankman, who is such a great dog.
Yesterday I went out and checked out the dogs at the Humane Society. I found a Mountain Cur/Greyhound mix with a beautiful brindle coat. My roommate has said no to me having the dog at the house, so I am coming up with a plan B. Heading over there shortly to see if she is still available or not...then the planning will continue.
I'm just tired of constantly and always doing things by myself. Since that doesn't seem to ever gonna change, I would like to at least have a dog to pal around with and need something sweet, snuggly, calm and quiet. Something that will like to ride in my truck and go to horse shows with me. Since I can't have Bankman, I am going to look into getting my own dog.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 238...Fall
Today, while out by my chickens I decided to pick some grass for them. I had no where to rush off to, so I got to take a few moments of the day and spend with them. This is a rare treat as I don't get to do this very often. Usually I show up, feed them, make sure each one is healthy and ok, check their little coop fence line and head to work or the gym.
While bent over picking up grass, a large leaf landed next to me. This made me look up, look around and realize the lawn was filled with leaves that had fallen from the trees. Fall is approaching. Another season has passed and summer is coming to a close. Another year is going by, I'm getting older, life is passing me by even though I am trying to be conscious and live life, and not just be idle in life.
It made me sad. As my relationship, can I even call it that, with Phillip has ended and I am hurt, sad and feeling a loss of hope, I can't help but feel the heaviness on me. Soon it will be Christmas, the trees bare bones will be exposed, the temperature will have cooled and the year will be coming to an end. While I have been actively dating, and dating more men than I ever have at one time, the idea of having someone to share my life with no longer seems possible.
Halloween will be upon us and I will watch adorable little kids run around in costumes. Thanksgiving will be here and I will watch families gather around tables, hear friends and family speak of their traditional family dinner and I will be alone.
Christmas will come to us and although, I will be home with my family, I won't have a romantic partner as I had hoped to share the holiday excitement, or to possibly bring home with me to meet my family.
Once again...I am alone. Just like that leaf that feel from the tree and lies quietly in the grass, alone. I cannot quite express the level of sadness I am feeling, but it is heavy. My heart hurts and I am going through the day in tears. I'm broken, I'm sad, I hate that I am in this position from wanting to take a risk to see if I could find a good man, not just any man, but a good man to share my life and experiences with and share a future.
The tears fall like the leaves from a tree, slowly they streak down my face. My heart is heavy. My face hurts from crying. My friend Nicki thinks I should be patient and have faith in this man. I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Which sucks, because with what I have experienced in my life, I could be there for him, be that understanding partner to help him through. But, he wasn't interested, so I said good-bye and walked away.
While bent over picking up grass, a large leaf landed next to me. This made me look up, look around and realize the lawn was filled with leaves that had fallen from the trees. Fall is approaching. Another season has passed and summer is coming to a close. Another year is going by, I'm getting older, life is passing me by even though I am trying to be conscious and live life, and not just be idle in life.
It made me sad. As my relationship, can I even call it that, with Phillip has ended and I am hurt, sad and feeling a loss of hope, I can't help but feel the heaviness on me. Soon it will be Christmas, the trees bare bones will be exposed, the temperature will have cooled and the year will be coming to an end. While I have been actively dating, and dating more men than I ever have at one time, the idea of having someone to share my life with no longer seems possible.
Halloween will be upon us and I will watch adorable little kids run around in costumes. Thanksgiving will be here and I will watch families gather around tables, hear friends and family speak of their traditional family dinner and I will be alone.
Christmas will come to us and although, I will be home with my family, I won't have a romantic partner as I had hoped to share the holiday excitement, or to possibly bring home with me to meet my family.
Once again...I am alone. Just like that leaf that feel from the tree and lies quietly in the grass, alone. I cannot quite express the level of sadness I am feeling, but it is heavy. My heart hurts and I am going through the day in tears. I'm broken, I'm sad, I hate that I am in this position from wanting to take a risk to see if I could find a good man, not just any man, but a good man to share my life and experiences with and share a future.
The tears fall like the leaves from a tree, slowly they streak down my face. My heart is heavy. My face hurts from crying. My friend Nicki thinks I should be patient and have faith in this man. I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Which sucks, because with what I have experienced in my life, I could be there for him, be that understanding partner to help him through. But, he wasn't interested, so I said good-bye and walked away.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 237...I'm Ready God
I'm ready God...are you listening? Can you hear me?
That next step in life...it just has to be waiting for me.
That next step in life...it just has to be waiting for me.
Friday, August 28, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 236...Life
The words echo in my mind, "you are amazing, beautiful, you have your life together, how are you still single?"
How is it that life can throw you for a loop to where you stumble, fall and as you get up again you enter into a fog that can't just simply be lifted?
Trying to figure this all out has brought me to a low I was not expecting.
How is it that life can throw you for a loop to where you stumble, fall and as you get up again you enter into a fog that can't just simply be lifted?
Trying to figure this all out has brought me to a low I was not expecting.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 235...Mom
Phillip II's Mom has really touched my heart...and I miss her a lot. I wish I would have asked her all the things I wanted to ask her, but I assumed I would see her again. I wish I would have gotten her cell phone number so I could have kept in touch.
I'm sad. I would do anything to see her again.
I'm sad. I would do anything to see her again.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 234...Longing
Just longing to be somewhere else in life, a place where I have not been taken yet.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 233...Do Men?
Do men think of the women they have had in their lives? Do they think of the woman who they have said to them, "I have feelings for you, but I have to work on me"
Is this a line of bullshit...?...or is it real?
Is it wrong to think that person might come back one day?
Is this a line of bullshit...?...or is it real?
Is it wrong to think that person might come back one day?
Monday, August 24, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 232...Unsettled
I don't know why, but that heaviness of an unsettled feeling is lurking.
I don't know what it means...part of me feels I am meant to leave Nashville...but I don't know where to go.
I don't know what it means...part of me feels I am meant to leave Nashville...but I don't know where to go.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 231...Life
Isn't life funny? One day you are up, another day you are down. One day things are the absolute best, the next heading towards a downward spiral.
You go in for a doctors appointment, to come out devastated because of the diagnosis you just received from your doctor. Maybe the diagnosis was not what you were expecting, yet the emotional turmoil you experienced help you get your priorities changed or in a new order?
Nothing is for certain. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I feel strongly that God puts us into peoples lives and geographical locations for a reason. To honor what He has done for us, the blessings He provides, shouldn't we at least make an attempt to find out what that reason is, and enjoy the life we have been given?
Some people fight it. Especially when it comes to moving somewhere you don't want to be. Yet, if we can change our way of thinking and embrace it, some times amazing gifts and blessings can come forth to us.
Look at the challenge which is facing you today, pray about it, meditate and embrace the process. It is part of God's plan, the struggle, the joy and it is shaping our character.
You go in for a doctors appointment, to come out devastated because of the diagnosis you just received from your doctor. Maybe the diagnosis was not what you were expecting, yet the emotional turmoil you experienced help you get your priorities changed or in a new order?
Nothing is for certain. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I feel strongly that God puts us into peoples lives and geographical locations for a reason. To honor what He has done for us, the blessings He provides, shouldn't we at least make an attempt to find out what that reason is, and enjoy the life we have been given?
Some people fight it. Especially when it comes to moving somewhere you don't want to be. Yet, if we can change our way of thinking and embrace it, some times amazing gifts and blessings can come forth to us.
Look at the challenge which is facing you today, pray about it, meditate and embrace the process. It is part of God's plan, the struggle, the joy and it is shaping our character.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 230...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 18
Surprise Visit
Today I had a writing assignment to attend the Ole South Dressage horse show. It was fun to be around all those Dressage horses again. Where I never was an upper level competitor, I was able to show for my trainer for a couple years in the Dressage circuit in Wisconsin and Minnesota.
For me it was an exciting day as after I finished with my story on the horse show, I headed to Springfield, TN to do a write up on a Vietnam veteran and his time spent with horses. It was an interview I was conducting for a story I am working on regarding Military Veterans and Therapy Horses.
After the interview was done I headed to Clarksville, TN to visit Phillip. I was going there as a concerned friend as he had told me the Sunday prior he had been drug out of bed by his buddy Lucas. I wanted to make sure he was alright since he had so much family stuff going on and he openly stated he was feeling depressed. I pulled up and he was surprised to see me. I told him I felt he needed a friend and I brought dinner over. A baked ziti with items for a salad were in a cooler. I pulled out the cooler and began handing everything over. He told me how I didn't need to do that, I simply stated I was worried about him, wanted to check in, that I felt he needed a friend right now. I offered to leave, but he said he was getting ready to go to the dog park and asked if I wanted to go along. We got to causally chat while we were there, he shared some information with me on how he discovered he was good at running. I loved how he stated, "When God gives you a talent, you don't piss on it"
After we got back from the dog park I offered to leave and he invited me inside. I ended up staying longer than I intended, and they had me put in the baked ziti in the oven and we had dinner together. It was an awesome afternoon as it got later and later, soon Phillip and his Mom were playing songs on their phones, we were talking music, life, it was perfect. Then his Mom was heading to bed, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and went off to her room. About 45 minutes later Phillip said he was getting tired, I said he should go to bed and that I had a drive ahead of me. He asked if I wanted to stay, I stated I was not there to impose and that would be his decision. He decided I should stay, and we went to bed. It was sweet laying next to him, and then he turned and kissed me. It was blissful. We had what I thought was a lovely intimate encounter before drifting off to sleep. I kinda loved how he reached for my arm, pulled it around me and his dog. It was incredibly sweet and I couldn't help but think this would be a great way to spend my life.
The next morning we slept in, it was much later than I expected. He kinda seemed like he was rushing me out, but it was after 10 when I got into my truck. I thought it was sweet when I was changing in his room, and he came and sat on the end of the bed. Like he just wanted to be around me.
I don't know what is to come, as he is dealing with a lot right now. I hope I can be a beacon of support and light for him during this stressful time.
Today I had a writing assignment to attend the Ole South Dressage horse show. It was fun to be around all those Dressage horses again. Where I never was an upper level competitor, I was able to show for my trainer for a couple years in the Dressage circuit in Wisconsin and Minnesota.
For me it was an exciting day as after I finished with my story on the horse show, I headed to Springfield, TN to do a write up on a Vietnam veteran and his time spent with horses. It was an interview I was conducting for a story I am working on regarding Military Veterans and Therapy Horses.
After the interview was done I headed to Clarksville, TN to visit Phillip. I was going there as a concerned friend as he had told me the Sunday prior he had been drug out of bed by his buddy Lucas. I wanted to make sure he was alright since he had so much family stuff going on and he openly stated he was feeling depressed. I pulled up and he was surprised to see me. I told him I felt he needed a friend and I brought dinner over. A baked ziti with items for a salad were in a cooler. I pulled out the cooler and began handing everything over. He told me how I didn't need to do that, I simply stated I was worried about him, wanted to check in, that I felt he needed a friend right now. I offered to leave, but he said he was getting ready to go to the dog park and asked if I wanted to go along. We got to causally chat while we were there, he shared some information with me on how he discovered he was good at running. I loved how he stated, "When God gives you a talent, you don't piss on it"
After we got back from the dog park I offered to leave and he invited me inside. I ended up staying longer than I intended, and they had me put in the baked ziti in the oven and we had dinner together. It was an awesome afternoon as it got later and later, soon Phillip and his Mom were playing songs on their phones, we were talking music, life, it was perfect. Then his Mom was heading to bed, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and went off to her room. About 45 minutes later Phillip said he was getting tired, I said he should go to bed and that I had a drive ahead of me. He asked if I wanted to stay, I stated I was not there to impose and that would be his decision. He decided I should stay, and we went to bed. It was sweet laying next to him, and then he turned and kissed me. It was blissful. We had what I thought was a lovely intimate encounter before drifting off to sleep. I kinda loved how he reached for my arm, pulled it around me and his dog. It was incredibly sweet and I couldn't help but think this would be a great way to spend my life.
The next morning we slept in, it was much later than I expected. He kinda seemed like he was rushing me out, but it was after 10 when I got into my truck. I thought it was sweet when I was changing in his room, and he came and sat on the end of the bed. Like he just wanted to be around me.
I don't know what is to come, as he is dealing with a lot right now. I hope I can be a beacon of support and light for him during this stressful time.
Friday, August 21, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 229...Julia's Birthday Cake
This past three days I have been working on making my AWESOME roommate's birthday cake. Her birthday was yesterday and her party is tonight. She picked out her cake from photos I found on Pinterest. She liked this cake which resembled a campfire. I have never made a cake to resemble a campfire before so I have slowly been mentally preparing.
Last night I made the flames out of melted candy. The direction were to find butterscotch and cinnamon candy, break them into small pieces and then melt them at 350 degrees for six to eight minutes. While using a wooden spoon on the counter trying to bust up the candy, I broke the spoon. Plan B! I took the candy in the plastic bag with a hammer outside to the sidewalk. Within just a few seconds I was able to easily bust up the candy. With this process you do have to be careful so not to puncture the bag. I then layed out the candy on the aluminum (which was sprayed down with Pam Spray) and put it in the oven. Less than six minutes later it was in a melted goo. I removed it from the oven and set it aside to cool. Within a few minutes it was still sticky, but cool. I used my hands to break up the pieces and place them around the "logs" to simulate the illusion of flames.
I think it turned out pretty cute. Unfortunately, the flames stood high and when I placed the cake topper on it to keep it protected in the fridge. So, I had to push them down further than I intended, but hopefully I can salvage that before I take it to the party tonight.
Last night I made the flames out of melted candy. The direction were to find butterscotch and cinnamon candy, break them into small pieces and then melt them at 350 degrees for six to eight minutes. While using a wooden spoon on the counter trying to bust up the candy, I broke the spoon. Plan B! I took the candy in the plastic bag with a hammer outside to the sidewalk. Within just a few seconds I was able to easily bust up the candy. With this process you do have to be careful so not to puncture the bag. I then layed out the candy on the aluminum (which was sprayed down with Pam Spray) and put it in the oven. Less than six minutes later it was in a melted goo. I removed it from the oven and set it aside to cool. Within a few minutes it was still sticky, but cool. I used my hands to break up the pieces and place them around the "logs" to simulate the illusion of flames.
I think it turned out pretty cute. Unfortunately, the flames stood high and when I placed the cake topper on it to keep it protected in the fridge. So, I had to push them down further than I intended, but hopefully I can salvage that before I take it to the party tonight.
Beginning stages
decorated...but lopsided, ha, ha
cookies added to give the impression of "logs"
Wooden spoon is no more...
Hammer works best to break up candy
future flame decoration
fresh from the oven
almost finished product
not quite as perfect as what was found on Pinterest...but I tried
Thursday, August 20, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 228...The Right Thing?
When a friend, especially a new friend is struggling, what do you do? Do you walk away? Stand by and watch or step in and help?
What would God do? What would Jesus do?
This is the first time I have really come into a situation where I am asking myself that question. This is regarding someone who I have known for only two weeks, but has opened up his heart and situation to me. This man has taken on a lot by giving up his job and life in New York to move back home to take care of his Mom. Repeatedly he has said how "he won't leave her" and I now understand his dedication to her and why he is making the sacrifices he is making for her. He has no one else, and his Mom has Alzheimer's which is causing him a great amount of stress and is putting him into a depression.
I have not heard from him since I left his house on Monday. Friends, who are more honest than what I deserve, are even saying how it is more than likely his depression which causing him to not respond to me. This individual did tell me that his best friend had to come to his house on Sunday and drag him out of bed. When I saw him he had not showered, shaved or washed his hair.
Now I sit here worrying about his well being. In my perspective a fellow Christian is struggling. As a Christian what do I do? What is the right thing to do? I don't want to come across as creepy, crazy or stage three clinger. But, I care about this person and when you don't have anyone to help you, and you have taken on such a load, sometimes you just need a friend.
I have talked to my dear friend Mersades, and my Mom, both have agreed to an idea I have come up with to try. This weekend I am going to take him a simple hot dish, some garlic bread and show up to his house and hope it isn't awkward. I want him to know I care and understand, and that he does not have to go through this alone. I don't know if this will be welcomed, I just hope he accepts my offer as what it is, someone who wants to be there for him during this difficult time.
Pray for me...anyone who is out there reading this, please? I just want to do the right thing, and I hope as a Christian, even though I am not perfect, this is what God would want me to do.
What would God do? What would Jesus do?
This is the first time I have really come into a situation where I am asking myself that question. This is regarding someone who I have known for only two weeks, but has opened up his heart and situation to me. This man has taken on a lot by giving up his job and life in New York to move back home to take care of his Mom. Repeatedly he has said how "he won't leave her" and I now understand his dedication to her and why he is making the sacrifices he is making for her. He has no one else, and his Mom has Alzheimer's which is causing him a great amount of stress and is putting him into a depression.
I have not heard from him since I left his house on Monday. Friends, who are more honest than what I deserve, are even saying how it is more than likely his depression which causing him to not respond to me. This individual did tell me that his best friend had to come to his house on Sunday and drag him out of bed. When I saw him he had not showered, shaved or washed his hair.
Now I sit here worrying about his well being. In my perspective a fellow Christian is struggling. As a Christian what do I do? What is the right thing to do? I don't want to come across as creepy, crazy or stage three clinger. But, I care about this person and when you don't have anyone to help you, and you have taken on such a load, sometimes you just need a friend.
I have talked to my dear friend Mersades, and my Mom, both have agreed to an idea I have come up with to try. This weekend I am going to take him a simple hot dish, some garlic bread and show up to his house and hope it isn't awkward. I want him to know I care and understand, and that he does not have to go through this alone. I don't know if this will be welcomed, I just hope he accepts my offer as what it is, someone who wants to be there for him during this difficult time.
Pray for me...anyone who is out there reading this, please? I just want to do the right thing, and I hope as a Christian, even though I am not perfect, this is what God would want me to do.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 227...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 17
Silence
My phone has been silent since I left Phillip's house. I have not heard a thing from him. The two friends who know about him keep telling me to wait and be patient. I get he is getting ready to go back to work, he is dealing with his Mom and I'm sure other things. However, if a guy is interested, he wants to talk to you, wants to see you.
I think I have just been used.
I am not the kind of person to grab my bag, drive an hour to go see a guy. This one was special to me. When I was driving there I did ask myself if I was crazy. But, I hoped he would not see it as a booty call and we could talk and spend some time together. When he told me there were no other girls and he was not talking to anyone else, I really let my guard down. I already was having a difficult time keeping my hands off him. Then that morning he introduced me to his Mom, we held hands while she said grace over our meal. The last two long term relationships, my ex's would not pray with me. Holding his hand while she said a prayer and listening to her words this really sunk into my heart.
To have him come upstairs and tell me how he checked on the traffic for me. The way he would give me sweet little kisses, tap the end of my nose with his finger, wrap his arms around me, I thought this was an incredible man who wanted to be with me. Now, it is this waiting game to see if or when I will hear from him.
Why does this process have to be so hard for me? What have I done so wrong? I try really hard to be a good person. If love isn't going to work for me, then why do I have to want to be in a relationship so badly? I'm not willing to be with just anyone. I'm pretty selective on who I will go out with so for me to get up, text you, want you to call me, and drive to go see you...that is a big deal. Allowing myself to be intimate with him was a big deal to me, I don't ever do something in that manner. I can control myself and have for quite some time, I'm human, I have needs, but that doesn't mean I slut it up. It means I wait for the right person.
I'm just hoping this man who has me waiting is someone worth waiting for and hopefully I will hear from him soon.
My phone has been silent since I left Phillip's house. I have not heard a thing from him. The two friends who know about him keep telling me to wait and be patient. I get he is getting ready to go back to work, he is dealing with his Mom and I'm sure other things. However, if a guy is interested, he wants to talk to you, wants to see you.
I think I have just been used.
I am not the kind of person to grab my bag, drive an hour to go see a guy. This one was special to me. When I was driving there I did ask myself if I was crazy. But, I hoped he would not see it as a booty call and we could talk and spend some time together. When he told me there were no other girls and he was not talking to anyone else, I really let my guard down. I already was having a difficult time keeping my hands off him. Then that morning he introduced me to his Mom, we held hands while she said grace over our meal. The last two long term relationships, my ex's would not pray with me. Holding his hand while she said a prayer and listening to her words this really sunk into my heart.
To have him come upstairs and tell me how he checked on the traffic for me. The way he would give me sweet little kisses, tap the end of my nose with his finger, wrap his arms around me, I thought this was an incredible man who wanted to be with me. Now, it is this waiting game to see if or when I will hear from him.
Why does this process have to be so hard for me? What have I done so wrong? I try really hard to be a good person. If love isn't going to work for me, then why do I have to want to be in a relationship so badly? I'm not willing to be with just anyone. I'm pretty selective on who I will go out with so for me to get up, text you, want you to call me, and drive to go see you...that is a big deal. Allowing myself to be intimate with him was a big deal to me, I don't ever do something in that manner. I can control myself and have for quite some time, I'm human, I have needs, but that doesn't mean I slut it up. It means I wait for the right person.
I'm just hoping this man who has me waiting is someone worth waiting for and hopefully I will hear from him soon.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 226...Happy Anniversary!
Today is my parent's wedding anniversary. They have been married for 53 years. Three years ago we had a big celebration with lot's of family and friends. My brother's favorite part was when he finally got to leave and start drinking beer and grilling. The after party was relaxing and fun, it was nice to just hang out with everyone.
Something my Mother taught me when I was a kid, a life lesson she probably didn't think twice about saying to me or with the intention of it being a lesson. My parents went through a rough patch, which all relationships do. At one point I was tired of them constantly fighting and said to my Mom how maybe she should just get a divorce. She made it clear that divorce was not an option. That all relationships go through difficult times, and she loved my Dad and they would work through it. She mentioned how you don't just up and walk away when things get tough, you work through it.
This is something I think is interesting that Phillip said to me, "You get up, and take it one day at a time" when we were discussing dealing with difficulties in a relationship.
My Mom really instilled in me something I have heard from others who have been successful at marriage. "You don't give up just because it gets hard, when you marry for the right reasons you work through it. The difference between a married couple and a divorced couple is, each have the same amount of fights, the married couple made a commitment and are willing to work through it".
I hope if/when the day comes I am blessed with someone who I will marry, he will have the same values. Be the man who will work through conflict, not just tuck tail and run from it.
Something my Mother taught me when I was a kid, a life lesson she probably didn't think twice about saying to me or with the intention of it being a lesson. My parents went through a rough patch, which all relationships do. At one point I was tired of them constantly fighting and said to my Mom how maybe she should just get a divorce. She made it clear that divorce was not an option. That all relationships go through difficult times, and she loved my Dad and they would work through it. She mentioned how you don't just up and walk away when things get tough, you work through it.
This is something I think is interesting that Phillip said to me, "You get up, and take it one day at a time" when we were discussing dealing with difficulties in a relationship.
My Mom really instilled in me something I have heard from others who have been successful at marriage. "You don't give up just because it gets hard, when you marry for the right reasons you work through it. The difference between a married couple and a divorced couple is, each have the same amount of fights, the married couple made a commitment and are willing to work through it".
I hope if/when the day comes I am blessed with someone who I will marry, he will have the same values. Be the man who will work through conflict, not just tuck tail and run from it.
Monday, August 17, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 227...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 16
Late Night Run
I finally heard from Phillip aka Felipe. It was late on Sunday, I kept hoping all day I would hear from him so we could try to see one another. He called me and finally I voiced I wanted to see him, he said he would not stop me from coming to see him and would text me his address. Within minutes I had grabbed my gym bag and I was on the road. Driving there I had asked myself if I was crazy and if this would only be perceived as a booty call. If I had not felt guilty about keeping him up waiting on me, I would have turned around.
He met me outside and gave me the best hug. I gave him a kiss on the neck as I felt his strong arms tighten around me. I looked in his eyes and couldn't resist any longer and we kissed. We talked and he introduced me to his dog. He showed me his truck, his car and then took me inside. I got the tour before and he showed me this impressive display he did to honor his dad. It was his army jacket, dog tags, and other items that reflected love and pride in his father. We sat on the couch and talked, he told me what was and had been going on with his family. He also made a point to tell me there were no other girls. While we were tightly snuggled together, our time together finally lead ourselves to his room where we had a very passionate intimate moment. Falling asleep on his chest I listened to his heartbeat and it wasn't long before he was snoring. Phillip likes to sleep with it cold, air conditioner unit, and two fans, I was thankful he was so warm. I covered myself up completely with the blanket and snuggled into him.
We woke up around 6:30 am and he got up to make breakfast. I got ready for the day and he came and checked on me a couple of times. Then he took me downstairs and introduced me to his Mom. He is her primary caregiver and has been since his Dad passed away. The love he has for his Mom showed deeply in his actions.
After he made breakfast for his Mom he asked me how I like my eggs. He made me breakfast! When he handed me my plate, he leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss. In the living room him Mom asked me to come sit by her so I could sit by Phillip. After we ate she showed me pictures of him when he was a kid and in high school. She also told me about her late husband and shared family photos of them together with me. I have never in my life experienced a moment where the man I am dating/interested in had his Mother share with me pictures. It was something I cherished and hoped there would be more of in the future with this woman and her son.
I finally got ready for work and he walked me out to my vehicle. He gave me a couple of sweet kisses and we said good bye. While I was putting my seat belt on, getting the key in the ignition, I noticed out of the corner of my eye he would peak back at me while he walked to the house. Finally we caught one another's eye and we waved to each other. I pulled away hoping sleeping with someone this quickly with such an interest in them was not a mistake.
There is definitely something incredible about this man. I have never wanted to meet someone so much I would leave at a whim and drive an hour in the dark to go to them. Hopefully, he is sincere with his kindness and words and really means it when he says he wants to see where things go.
Now...to wait until I hear from him...
I finally heard from Phillip aka Felipe. It was late on Sunday, I kept hoping all day I would hear from him so we could try to see one another. He called me and finally I voiced I wanted to see him, he said he would not stop me from coming to see him and would text me his address. Within minutes I had grabbed my gym bag and I was on the road. Driving there I had asked myself if I was crazy and if this would only be perceived as a booty call. If I had not felt guilty about keeping him up waiting on me, I would have turned around.
He met me outside and gave me the best hug. I gave him a kiss on the neck as I felt his strong arms tighten around me. I looked in his eyes and couldn't resist any longer and we kissed. We talked and he introduced me to his dog. He showed me his truck, his car and then took me inside. I got the tour before and he showed me this impressive display he did to honor his dad. It was his army jacket, dog tags, and other items that reflected love and pride in his father. We sat on the couch and talked, he told me what was and had been going on with his family. He also made a point to tell me there were no other girls. While we were tightly snuggled together, our time together finally lead ourselves to his room where we had a very passionate intimate moment. Falling asleep on his chest I listened to his heartbeat and it wasn't long before he was snoring. Phillip likes to sleep with it cold, air conditioner unit, and two fans, I was thankful he was so warm. I covered myself up completely with the blanket and snuggled into him.
We woke up around 6:30 am and he got up to make breakfast. I got ready for the day and he came and checked on me a couple of times. Then he took me downstairs and introduced me to his Mom. He is her primary caregiver and has been since his Dad passed away. The love he has for his Mom showed deeply in his actions.
After he made breakfast for his Mom he asked me how I like my eggs. He made me breakfast! When he handed me my plate, he leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss. In the living room him Mom asked me to come sit by her so I could sit by Phillip. After we ate she showed me pictures of him when he was a kid and in high school. She also told me about her late husband and shared family photos of them together with me. I have never in my life experienced a moment where the man I am dating/interested in had his Mother share with me pictures. It was something I cherished and hoped there would be more of in the future with this woman and her son.
I finally got ready for work and he walked me out to my vehicle. He gave me a couple of sweet kisses and we said good bye. While I was putting my seat belt on, getting the key in the ignition, I noticed out of the corner of my eye he would peak back at me while he walked to the house. Finally we caught one another's eye and we waved to each other. I pulled away hoping sleeping with someone this quickly with such an interest in them was not a mistake.
There is definitely something incredible about this man. I have never wanted to meet someone so much I would leave at a whim and drive an hour in the dark to go to them. Hopefully, he is sincere with his kindness and words and really means it when he says he wants to see where things go.
Now...to wait until I hear from him...
Pic he sent me on my way over to let me know his hair was longer
Below are his profile pics & profile listing:
Sunday, August 16, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 226...Arabian Horse Show
This past weekend was the Mid-South Arabian Horse Show. It was their 36th annual show and I was intrigued as they had intertwined the Dressage discipline in with their regular horse show. This weekend was a much needed distraction as my date decided to let me know 30 minutes before we were going to meet, he was not going. I made myself put the phone away and concentrate on driving. I also kept myself focused on the photos and tracking someone down to interview.
Unfortunately, the secondary person I needed to speak to was not available, so I ended up going back on Sunday. Where I did not need to put the extra gas into a trip I did not want to make, but I wanted to try and get enough material for a solid story.
It was fun to be around these beautiful and elegant horses. This weekend was a much smaller show than I anticipated, but I found out it was a show where they needed to rebuild their attendance. This is a scary place to be for an organization, but they are positive in their decisions and the road ahead.
This horse and rider had one of the most flawless rides I have ever encountered. It was beautiful to watch and experience.
After the show I headed over to Westlight Studio to visit with my photography and dear friend, Michael Gomez. I have not been to the studio in a while and it was nice to see Michael. It also gave me a chance to thank him for mentoring me and share with him my current experience with the regional equestrian magazine. This brought on a conversation of encouragement and suggestions on how to pursue horse photography. A new direction for my career as a photographer? Possibly...time will tell.
Unfortunately, the secondary person I needed to speak to was not available, so I ended up going back on Sunday. Where I did not need to put the extra gas into a trip I did not want to make, but I wanted to try and get enough material for a solid story.
It was fun to be around these beautiful and elegant horses. This weekend was a much smaller show than I anticipated, but I found out it was a show where they needed to rebuild their attendance. This is a scary place to be for an organization, but they are positive in their decisions and the road ahead.
After the show I headed over to Westlight Studio to visit with my photography and dear friend, Michael Gomez. I have not been to the studio in a while and it was nice to see Michael. It also gave me a chance to thank him for mentoring me and share with him my current experience with the regional equestrian magazine. This brought on a conversation of encouragement and suggestions on how to pursue horse photography. A new direction for my career as a photographer? Possibly...time will tell.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 225...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 15
Friday Night Date
Last night I went out on a date. It was the first time in years I had plans on a Friday night. Of course, the last patient of the day was late. Finally I was in traffic heading to the house so I could drop things off, change and get to the restaurant. While driving to the restaurant I was 10 minutes late and considering I had not one concern about being late, just added to the fact I did not want to go out with this guy. While walking to the door to meet my date, I continued to tell myself to keep an open mind.
The conversation was good and flowed through the evening. It was a little awkward when I was informed which part of the menu I could chose from for my meal. I tried to overlook the awkwardness and make the best of it. It did not take long for me to realize there would not be a second date. I'm not sure which comment of his was the best comment of the night. Maybe; "I need to find someone who is more into me than I am into them" or possibly, "Whoever ends up with me needs to realize what happens between us, stays between us. There is not going out and telling other people"
He kindly walked me to my vehicle, we gave one another a hug and I got into my truck. As I pulled out of the parking lot I was simply excited for the date to be over so I could see Phillip. Going to bed I had not heard from Phillip and I was disappointed. I wanted to keep a positive attitude, so I went to bed with hope.
http://www.wikihow.com/Date-Online-Safely
Last night I went out on a date. It was the first time in years I had plans on a Friday night. Of course, the last patient of the day was late. Finally I was in traffic heading to the house so I could drop things off, change and get to the restaurant. While driving to the restaurant I was 10 minutes late and considering I had not one concern about being late, just added to the fact I did not want to go out with this guy. While walking to the door to meet my date, I continued to tell myself to keep an open mind.
The conversation was good and flowed through the evening. It was a little awkward when I was informed which part of the menu I could chose from for my meal. I tried to overlook the awkwardness and make the best of it. It did not take long for me to realize there would not be a second date. I'm not sure which comment of his was the best comment of the night. Maybe; "I need to find someone who is more into me than I am into them" or possibly, "Whoever ends up with me needs to realize what happens between us, stays between us. There is not going out and telling other people"
He kindly walked me to my vehicle, we gave one another a hug and I got into my truck. As I pulled out of the parking lot I was simply excited for the date to be over so I could see Phillip. Going to bed I had not heard from Phillip and I was disappointed. I wanted to keep a positive attitude, so I went to bed with hope.
http://www.wikihow.com/Date-Online-Safely
Friday, August 14, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 224...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 14
Trust
Talking with Chad the other night, the one who actually exists not the fake ass one who lies. We get discussing expectations that we would have in a relationship. He asked if I had more guy friends that girl friends or an even mix. I thought about it and finally said I felt I had an even mix. I commented how from time to time I would go to lunch or go hiking with one of my guy friends. Immediately he voiced how he would have a problem with that because he would not want who he is dating to put herself in such a position. I gave him the chance to explain and he stated how he doesn't do it out of jealousy, but would never go out to eat or off alone with a female friend. He said how he thinks it does not look right and things could possibly happen to lead to cheating or an affair.
Where I do see what he is saying, and he did clearly state he would show the same respect that he would not do that to someone. I balk, because I have male friends who are good people and there is no romantic interest what so ever. I enjoy spending time with these individuals and I would feel uncomfortable having to say, "no, I can't go to lunch with you because my boyfriend can't join us and doesn't trust me enough to go off with you because your penis might accidentally fall into my vajayjay". I would be really sad if I was not allowed to see my buddy Chuck and go hiking with him because my boyfriend had a problem with it. I would definitely experience a deep emotion if I had to turn down a cave trip because the boyfriend couldn't go and didn't approve.
I have had really great conversations with this man and I think he is funny, smart and love that he is open to talk about anything. He doesn't want to ever get married, so part of me is concerned with down the road what if he up and decides to end the relationship. Then I will have invested my time and energy into him and have to watch it all fall apart without a definitive commitment. These are a couple of concerns I have with this particular individual. For someone I am connecting so well with, I'm a little concerned we may not be on the same path, goals or understanding level. I'm being open and going into our date this Friday with an open mind and will let things unfold as they may.
Talking with Chad the other night, the one who actually exists not the fake ass one who lies. We get discussing expectations that we would have in a relationship. He asked if I had more guy friends that girl friends or an even mix. I thought about it and finally said I felt I had an even mix. I commented how from time to time I would go to lunch or go hiking with one of my guy friends. Immediately he voiced how he would have a problem with that because he would not want who he is dating to put herself in such a position. I gave him the chance to explain and he stated how he doesn't do it out of jealousy, but would never go out to eat or off alone with a female friend. He said how he thinks it does not look right and things could possibly happen to lead to cheating or an affair.
Where I do see what he is saying, and he did clearly state he would show the same respect that he would not do that to someone. I balk, because I have male friends who are good people and there is no romantic interest what so ever. I enjoy spending time with these individuals and I would feel uncomfortable having to say, "no, I can't go to lunch with you because my boyfriend can't join us and doesn't trust me enough to go off with you because your penis might accidentally fall into my vajayjay". I would be really sad if I was not allowed to see my buddy Chuck and go hiking with him because my boyfriend had a problem with it. I would definitely experience a deep emotion if I had to turn down a cave trip because the boyfriend couldn't go and didn't approve.
I have had really great conversations with this man and I think he is funny, smart and love that he is open to talk about anything. He doesn't want to ever get married, so part of me is concerned with down the road what if he up and decides to end the relationship. Then I will have invested my time and energy into him and have to watch it all fall apart without a definitive commitment. These are a couple of concerns I have with this particular individual. For someone I am connecting so well with, I'm a little concerned we may not be on the same path, goals or understanding level. I'm being open and going into our date this Friday with an open mind and will let things unfold as they may.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 223...Cooking with JuJu
My amazing roommate, Julia, has a son. He has a step sister who cannot pronounce "Julia" so she in the most adorable manner calls her "JuJu". There is nothing cuter than this adorable little girl wandering the house calling for "JuJu".
Each morning, Monday through Friday at least, I make breakfast. This started when I was getting up at 4:00am to get to work on time. Working such early hours and long days a breakfast was necessary just to be fueled to function. Since I was making breakfast for one, I figured it wouldn't be that much more difficult to make breakfast for two. This began me making and leaving breakfast for my roommate about five days a week.
Today I decided to 'amp' up the breakfast and make something familiar with a little twist. I took two eggs, (thank you chickie babies!) with milk, butter, pepper, garlic powder, and cayenne and scrambled them. This is traditionally how I make scrambled eggs along with cheese (that is non-negotiable, I am from Wisconsin after all). Today I added in some cream cheese to give it some extra richness.
Then I pulled out the vegetables and meet from my left over Mexican. Once the eggs were solid enough to not take up the entire pan, I put in the vegetables to warm them up. By the time the Mexican left over mix was ready so were the egsg. I plated it, added some salsa, and we had breakfast!
Each morning, Monday through Friday at least, I make breakfast. This started when I was getting up at 4:00am to get to work on time. Working such early hours and long days a breakfast was necessary just to be fueled to function. Since I was making breakfast for one, I figured it wouldn't be that much more difficult to make breakfast for two. This began me making and leaving breakfast for my roommate about five days a week.
Today I decided to 'amp' up the breakfast and make something familiar with a little twist. I took two eggs, (thank you chickie babies!) with milk, butter, pepper, garlic powder, and cayenne and scrambled them. This is traditionally how I make scrambled eggs along with cheese (that is non-negotiable, I am from Wisconsin after all). Today I added in some cream cheese to give it some extra richness.
Then I pulled out the vegetables and meet from my left over Mexican. Once the eggs were solid enough to not take up the entire pan, I put in the vegetables to warm them up. By the time the Mexican left over mix was ready so were the egsg. I plated it, added some salsa, and we had breakfast!
Fresh eggs from my chickens!
Scrambled eggs with cheese and Mexican mix
Coffee awaits the fabulous Julia to start her day!
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 222...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 13
Steve
Yesterday I got to thinking about the "OnTour" guy I met online. I don't know why he continues to cross my mind. He hasn't spoken to me in a couple of weeks. Why is it I want the guy who does not want me? Why can't the guy I am really, really interested in be the one who is crazy about me, wants to get to know me and talk and text me? Yet, instead, silence. It makes me wonder if he is on the road, if he is home, what his life is like and if he found someone.
I can't help but think whoever ends up with him will be one incredible woman. Then I hope for his sake she appreciates him and treats him right. I would love to be that woman who was waiting for him when he got home off the road. Yet, it doesn't seem like it is an option for me. If only he would give me a shot and just try to get to know me. However, for some reason I am 100% off his radar and there is zero interest in me from him. Why does that bother me so much and why do I keep having him pop up in my mind?
Along with feeling a little down about this handsome man I would like to get to know, I got even more down after attending a birthday party. I found out Sunday, that a mutual friend was celebrating her birthday with friends at a local Mexican restaurant. I know these people and they kindly welcome me in as family. However, they know each other better and love seeing one another. It gets very frustrating to continue over and over to start up or be in the middle of a conversation and get interrupted. I was talking to my roommates Mom, Mary, and another woman was sitting two seats down and kept interrupting us. Where I am sure this woman loves Mary, who doesn't she is wonderful, and wanted to talk to her I wasn't sure how to react to the constant interruption. This happened with someone else who was there, and it happens every time I try to talk to these wonderful people. I don't believe they mean any harm by it, they are too good hearted and kind to ever do anything in any kind of hurtful manner.
I had already placed a food order to go and when it arrived I as politely as I could said good-bye and excused myself. It is really hard to sit in a group of people and feel completely alone. I went to the house and ate my dinner by myself while watching the dreaded Bachelor in Paradise.
I don't know what to make of my day or the emotion I am experiencing. Sometimes I wonder if I just need to be single for a while longer to let myself sort through everything. Who knows if that is the right answer or solution. I'm just trying to do what is right, make good decisions and live life. Yet, time is not stopping or slowing down and even with some exhaustion with the cautious steps I am taking I don't know what is to come. I just hope I can make the best decision to bring me the outcome I desire.
Yesterday I got to thinking about the "OnTour" guy I met online. I don't know why he continues to cross my mind. He hasn't spoken to me in a couple of weeks. Why is it I want the guy who does not want me? Why can't the guy I am really, really interested in be the one who is crazy about me, wants to get to know me and talk and text me? Yet, instead, silence. It makes me wonder if he is on the road, if he is home, what his life is like and if he found someone.
I can't help but think whoever ends up with him will be one incredible woman. Then I hope for his sake she appreciates him and treats him right. I would love to be that woman who was waiting for him when he got home off the road. Yet, it doesn't seem like it is an option for me. If only he would give me a shot and just try to get to know me. However, for some reason I am 100% off his radar and there is zero interest in me from him. Why does that bother me so much and why do I keep having him pop up in my mind?
Along with feeling a little down about this handsome man I would like to get to know, I got even more down after attending a birthday party. I found out Sunday, that a mutual friend was celebrating her birthday with friends at a local Mexican restaurant. I know these people and they kindly welcome me in as family. However, they know each other better and love seeing one another. It gets very frustrating to continue over and over to start up or be in the middle of a conversation and get interrupted. I was talking to my roommates Mom, Mary, and another woman was sitting two seats down and kept interrupting us. Where I am sure this woman loves Mary, who doesn't she is wonderful, and wanted to talk to her I wasn't sure how to react to the constant interruption. This happened with someone else who was there, and it happens every time I try to talk to these wonderful people. I don't believe they mean any harm by it, they are too good hearted and kind to ever do anything in any kind of hurtful manner.
I had already placed a food order to go and when it arrived I as politely as I could said good-bye and excused myself. It is really hard to sit in a group of people and feel completely alone. I went to the house and ate my dinner by myself while watching the dreaded Bachelor in Paradise.
I don't know what to make of my day or the emotion I am experiencing. Sometimes I wonder if I just need to be single for a while longer to let myself sort through everything. Who knows if that is the right answer or solution. I'm just trying to do what is right, make good decisions and live life. Yet, time is not stopping or slowing down and even with some exhaustion with the cautious steps I am taking I don't know what is to come. I just hope I can make the best decision to bring me the outcome I desire.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 221...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 12
Tim, Phillip II and John
I have been finding myself in a couple of interesting conversations with a couple of men from POF. One is Phillip, we are calling him Phillip II due to Mister Memphis. Our conversation so far has been interesting, polite and withholding a level of respect. I was pleasantly surprised when he waited, what I felt, was an appropriate amount of time before texting me yesterday. I'm not sure what I think about him, but so far I am intrigued to get to know this handsome man. Something I find entertaining is he has a dog...that he is absolutely crazy about! Oy! What is with all these people and their dogs! As long as I don't have to clean up after it or sleep with it, I am hoping I can find a way to be tolerable.
While it is cute and adorable that dogs like to sleep in your bed and snuggle, I lose sleep. Any time a dog has had the opportunity to sleep in a bed where I am it always finds its way to my side of the bed. One guy I dated for a long term relationship had a small dog, and it loved me. It loooooved to find its way to my side of the bed and cuddle up. Unfortunately, during this time it would disturb me in my sleep or sleep on me in a way where I couldn't move or get comfortable. I'm glad people enjoy sleeping with their dogs, however, it isn't for me as it effects my sleep. I've always had a natural connection to animals, and I appreciate how they are usually drawn to me. However, when it is 2 am and that connection sets in and I now cannot sleep or sleep well for the next few hours, night after night after night...my appreciation for that 'cuteness' wears thin.
I have also began a conversation with a man named, John. He works in the restaurant business. For the first time EVER in my life, I asked a man out and he said yes! What is happening! John mentioned how he has never been to a particular restaurant I had asked him about as we were discussing new restaurants and trying them out. Then he told me he had never heard of my favorite park here in Davidson County. So, I straight up said I was going to be forward and I asked him out. To my surprise he said 'yes'! Then we got discussing plans and next Monday I have a date. Hopefully all continues to go well and he shows up.
Then...there is Tim. I couldn't help but continue to hear Tim's voice in my head about how he just wanted a FWB relationship. He pushed me really hard to try and convince me I should do that with him. When I realized that three hours had gone by in our first phone conversation, I lost interest. Then he would text me, and I had very little interest to text him back. Finally he was texting me begging for a phone call because he had a revolution and wanted to share it with me. He realized that he wanted to start dating and wanted to date me. I agreed with the intention to go out with him to see what he was all about, however, he got a little over abundant with sending me texts before I even responded. Then, I realized all I could do is hear his voice saying things like, "even if you are tired, just lay there and I will pound ya, I don't care". I don't want someone who I am in a romantic relationship with to voice such things. Maybe men do think in that manner, but I am not interested in being with someone who is so bold with such statements.
Where I don't know where things will lead, I am doing my best to remain open to the idea of this entire process. Hurt and sadness has already been a part of it, which only makes the process all the more difficult and long. However, for the first time in about four weeks I did listen to the radio for a little bit on my way to work on Monday. Then, I realized it was still too much for me and I turned down the volume. Some songs are still too painful to hear and listen to which made me think I am definitely not quite ready to rush into anything. As wonderful as it would be to have a handsome, kind man to cuddle up next to on the couch and use as a pillow in bed, I don't need to rush anything. It is better for me to be single, than it would be for me to get involved with someone who isn't right for me.
I have been finding myself in a couple of interesting conversations with a couple of men from POF. One is Phillip, we are calling him Phillip II due to Mister Memphis. Our conversation so far has been interesting, polite and withholding a level of respect. I was pleasantly surprised when he waited, what I felt, was an appropriate amount of time before texting me yesterday. I'm not sure what I think about him, but so far I am intrigued to get to know this handsome man. Something I find entertaining is he has a dog...that he is absolutely crazy about! Oy! What is with all these people and their dogs! As long as I don't have to clean up after it or sleep with it, I am hoping I can find a way to be tolerable.
While it is cute and adorable that dogs like to sleep in your bed and snuggle, I lose sleep. Any time a dog has had the opportunity to sleep in a bed where I am it always finds its way to my side of the bed. One guy I dated for a long term relationship had a small dog, and it loved me. It loooooved to find its way to my side of the bed and cuddle up. Unfortunately, during this time it would disturb me in my sleep or sleep on me in a way where I couldn't move or get comfortable. I'm glad people enjoy sleeping with their dogs, however, it isn't for me as it effects my sleep. I've always had a natural connection to animals, and I appreciate how they are usually drawn to me. However, when it is 2 am and that connection sets in and I now cannot sleep or sleep well for the next few hours, night after night after night...my appreciation for that 'cuteness' wears thin.
I have also began a conversation with a man named, John. He works in the restaurant business. For the first time EVER in my life, I asked a man out and he said yes! What is happening! John mentioned how he has never been to a particular restaurant I had asked him about as we were discussing new restaurants and trying them out. Then he told me he had never heard of my favorite park here in Davidson County. So, I straight up said I was going to be forward and I asked him out. To my surprise he said 'yes'! Then we got discussing plans and next Monday I have a date. Hopefully all continues to go well and he shows up.
Then...there is Tim. I couldn't help but continue to hear Tim's voice in my head about how he just wanted a FWB relationship. He pushed me really hard to try and convince me I should do that with him. When I realized that three hours had gone by in our first phone conversation, I lost interest. Then he would text me, and I had very little interest to text him back. Finally he was texting me begging for a phone call because he had a revolution and wanted to share it with me. He realized that he wanted to start dating and wanted to date me. I agreed with the intention to go out with him to see what he was all about, however, he got a little over abundant with sending me texts before I even responded. Then, I realized all I could do is hear his voice saying things like, "even if you are tired, just lay there and I will pound ya, I don't care". I don't want someone who I am in a romantic relationship with to voice such things. Maybe men do think in that manner, but I am not interested in being with someone who is so bold with such statements.
Where I don't know where things will lead, I am doing my best to remain open to the idea of this entire process. Hurt and sadness has already been a part of it, which only makes the process all the more difficult and long. However, for the first time in about four weeks I did listen to the radio for a little bit on my way to work on Monday. Then, I realized it was still too much for me and I turned down the volume. Some songs are still too painful to hear and listen to which made me think I am definitely not quite ready to rush into anything. As wonderful as it would be to have a handsome, kind man to cuddle up next to on the couch and use as a pillow in bed, I don't need to rush anything. It is better for me to be single, than it would be for me to get involved with someone who isn't right for me.
Monday, August 10, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 220 - Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 11
A Song
I was on assignment on Saturday with two equine events. I finished up with an Equine Massage Clinic and headed off to an arena for a horse show. While at the show during a break I was wandering between checking out the venue and sitting going through photos I had taken. During this break a song came on and it brought over such a strong emotion. It was a song which made me want to just sit down because I just knew if I tried to leave the facility, I would only hear it echoing through the barns.
It brought this heaviness of sadness. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the name of the song right now. However, I can tell you I had to put mind over matter while it played. It made me think about Mister Memphis and made me wonder why he just up and disappeared. How our conversation was so interesting, captivating and fun and then it was over. While I have prayed about this as I just want to understand. Because it leaves me wondering and a little hurt and sad. I just have to believe he was removed so the person who I am meant to be with can have his spot.
Out of curiosity I tried calling Mister Memphis by using *67 before I dialed his number. I was curious to see if he would answer (even though he is suppose to be at work) and if it worked. It worked, it rang and went into his voicemail. I didn't leave a message. Part of me wonders if it is even worth my time trying to get in touch with him or even pursue this as I cannot help but think I will only bring myself hurt. Even though it hurts and makes me sad that I have no answer and lack understanding, it is beyond my control. As Theresa pointed out to me, I don't need to waste my time on someone who does not want to spend their time on me.
There is something about music which can have such a powerful force on a person. It can take you back to a certain point and time in your life. For instance, when I hear "Amarillo by Morning" by George Strait or even just think of that song I am taken back to rodeo arenas. When I was involved with rodeo I don't recall one rodeo I attended where that song wasn't played. So it is thick in my memory and it takes me back to the behind the scenes of the gates, panels, trailers, cattle and horses, everything that makes up a rodeo. Not a rodeo from an attendee perspective, but the rodeo where you are hearing all the sounds of getting ready for the performance. Gates slamming, rodeo announcer speaking, rodeo contractor and staff moving around, the natural noises that take place while people are getting ready.
For some reason, "Drink a Beer" by Luke Bryan is a song to this day I cannot handle listening to and don't think I ever will be able to listen. It is a song which will forever keep me away from his concerts.
There are certain songs which will play from when I was in college and I can go back to that point and time. "Breakfast at Tiffany's", I recall singing that with my friend Nicole as we walked from the Student Center cafeteria with our lunch on trays as we made our way to the theatre building. Other songs take me back to when I was a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. Then there was today, it made me sad, made me realize I needed to push it away so I could concentrate on my work. I don't know if I could explain it all, but it really reminded me the power of a song.
This entire dating process isn't fun, it has me going through so many different thoughts, feelings, conversations as I try and find myself someone. I can only hope this entire process will be worth it and I will find someone amazing.
I was on assignment on Saturday with two equine events. I finished up with an Equine Massage Clinic and headed off to an arena for a horse show. While at the show during a break I was wandering between checking out the venue and sitting going through photos I had taken. During this break a song came on and it brought over such a strong emotion. It was a song which made me want to just sit down because I just knew if I tried to leave the facility, I would only hear it echoing through the barns.
It brought this heaviness of sadness. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the name of the song right now. However, I can tell you I had to put mind over matter while it played. It made me think about Mister Memphis and made me wonder why he just up and disappeared. How our conversation was so interesting, captivating and fun and then it was over. While I have prayed about this as I just want to understand. Because it leaves me wondering and a little hurt and sad. I just have to believe he was removed so the person who I am meant to be with can have his spot.
Out of curiosity I tried calling Mister Memphis by using *67 before I dialed his number. I was curious to see if he would answer (even though he is suppose to be at work) and if it worked. It worked, it rang and went into his voicemail. I didn't leave a message. Part of me wonders if it is even worth my time trying to get in touch with him or even pursue this as I cannot help but think I will only bring myself hurt. Even though it hurts and makes me sad that I have no answer and lack understanding, it is beyond my control. As Theresa pointed out to me, I don't need to waste my time on someone who does not want to spend their time on me.
There is something about music which can have such a powerful force on a person. It can take you back to a certain point and time in your life. For instance, when I hear "Amarillo by Morning" by George Strait or even just think of that song I am taken back to rodeo arenas. When I was involved with rodeo I don't recall one rodeo I attended where that song wasn't played. So it is thick in my memory and it takes me back to the behind the scenes of the gates, panels, trailers, cattle and horses, everything that makes up a rodeo. Not a rodeo from an attendee perspective, but the rodeo where you are hearing all the sounds of getting ready for the performance. Gates slamming, rodeo announcer speaking, rodeo contractor and staff moving around, the natural noises that take place while people are getting ready.
For some reason, "Drink a Beer" by Luke Bryan is a song to this day I cannot handle listening to and don't think I ever will be able to listen. It is a song which will forever keep me away from his concerts.
There are certain songs which will play from when I was in college and I can go back to that point and time. "Breakfast at Tiffany's", I recall singing that with my friend Nicole as we walked from the Student Center cafeteria with our lunch on trays as we made our way to the theatre building. Other songs take me back to when I was a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. Then there was today, it made me sad, made me realize I needed to push it away so I could concentrate on my work. I don't know if I could explain it all, but it really reminded me the power of a song.
This entire dating process isn't fun, it has me going through so many different thoughts, feelings, conversations as I try and find myself someone. I can only hope this entire process will be worth it and I will find someone amazing.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 219...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 10
Latin Lover
Even though I was heavy hearted over Mister Memphis, I decided to say yes to an invite to dinner. My heart was not fully in it, but I have been continuing with contacting men on POF and just seeking what may be.
I figured this guy seemed nice, and shouldn't every woman have a Latin lover? I don't know if my life will end up with this individual, but if I don't go on a date to find out, I will never know. I also figure since I want to be actively dating to seek someone to share it with, going out is what I have to do.
I hate dating. Meeting someone new, the awkward dinner conversation and the wondering what they are really like along with all the other questions that run through my head.
Dinner with this individual was nice, he was easy to talk to and was an interesting person. We have discussed going on a second date, even though I am no rush to go out again. I need a little break to let myself unwind from the last two married/involved men I recently finished dealing with in the past few weeks.
Why does this entire process have to be so freaking difficult? I'm not crazy!! I promise! I'm fun!! I don't think I look horrendous and I am being active so it isn't like I weight 250lbs. Ug...this entire process of searching for someone is frustrating. I am ready for the searching to be over so I can start living and sharing my life with someone to see where it may go.
Even though I was heavy hearted over Mister Memphis, I decided to say yes to an invite to dinner. My heart was not fully in it, but I have been continuing with contacting men on POF and just seeking what may be.
I figured this guy seemed nice, and shouldn't every woman have a Latin lover? I don't know if my life will end up with this individual, but if I don't go on a date to find out, I will never know. I also figure since I want to be actively dating to seek someone to share it with, going out is what I have to do.
I hate dating. Meeting someone new, the awkward dinner conversation and the wondering what they are really like along with all the other questions that run through my head.
Dinner with this individual was nice, he was easy to talk to and was an interesting person. We have discussed going on a second date, even though I am no rush to go out again. I need a little break to let myself unwind from the last two married/involved men I recently finished dealing with in the past few weeks.
Why does this entire process have to be so freaking difficult? I'm not crazy!! I promise! I'm fun!! I don't think I look horrendous and I am being active so it isn't like I weight 250lbs. Ug...this entire process of searching for someone is frustrating. I am ready for the searching to be over so I can start living and sharing my life with someone to see where it may go.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 218...Must Hate Dogs...Chapter 9
Duped x 2
Well, Mister Memphis has apparently duped me. I don't understand how someone would go to such great lengths of proving himself worthy and honest to just drop conversation. I do know he is alive, so what else is there except is a fraud like the rest? It is really unfortunate, I thought he would be one who would really stand out above the other men. Instead, he just is some fake who gave me the impression he was impressed and interested in me. Where as in reality he was utilizing me for entertainment and to help pass time.
This whole dating thing is beyond ridiculous. Along with weeding out the weirdo's, druggies, dumb asses you have to deal with people like this individual who just wants to play games. I got duped really well this time, I won't deny it. I really thought he was someone who could be trusted.
It is unfortunate, I had hoped this guy was different. Now, all I can hope for is to forget him as quickly as possible. Not sure how long that will take as for even talking to him the short while we did, he made an impact on me.
I just don't get why the conversation would just simply end. A couple people think he may have a wife and she found out and did not like it. The entire situation makes my heart heavy and sad. I just can't shake it. My curiosity got to me today and I went to the other site where he "thought" he found me, I started a profile and guess what I found "MemphisAnton" and in his profile it states he is in a relationship. Where the site where we met stated he was single. Unfortunately, he is not who I thought he was, his photos are a little different and I don't know what to make of any of this, why would someone do that?
These are the photos which were posted on the site where I found him and we began talking.
These are the photos on the other site where he "thought" we had met and where I JUST NOW found him and his profile.
My final communication to Phillip:
Take care Mister Memphis, I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for, because obviously it isn't me.
Well, Mister Memphis has apparently duped me. I don't understand how someone would go to such great lengths of proving himself worthy and honest to just drop conversation. I do know he is alive, so what else is there except is a fraud like the rest? It is really unfortunate, I thought he would be one who would really stand out above the other men. Instead, he just is some fake who gave me the impression he was impressed and interested in me. Where as in reality he was utilizing me for entertainment and to help pass time.
This whole dating thing is beyond ridiculous. Along with weeding out the weirdo's, druggies, dumb asses you have to deal with people like this individual who just wants to play games. I got duped really well this time, I won't deny it. I really thought he was someone who could be trusted.
It is unfortunate, I had hoped this guy was different. Now, all I can hope for is to forget him as quickly as possible. Not sure how long that will take as for even talking to him the short while we did, he made an impact on me.
I just don't get why the conversation would just simply end. A couple people think he may have a wife and she found out and did not like it. The entire situation makes my heart heavy and sad. I just can't shake it. My curiosity got to me today and I went to the other site where he "thought" he found me, I started a profile and guess what I found "MemphisAnton" and in his profile it states he is in a relationship. Where the site where we met stated he was single. Unfortunately, he is not who I thought he was, his photos are a little different and I don't know what to make of any of this, why would someone do that?
These are the photos which were posted on the site where I found him and we began talking.
Here are the photos he shared with me to help clear up a misunderstanding.
These are the photos on the other site where he "thought" we had met and where I JUST NOW found him and his profile.
My final communication to Phillip:
"I'm not really sure what happened. I thought we were having a great conversation. You kindly put in such effort to prove yourself honorable to me. That meant a lot and it gave me an insight to your character.
Whatever it is you are seeking, I hope it fills your hearts desire. I really enjoyed getting to know you and wish you nothing but the best.
I won't keep buggin you, I'm guessing your wife or girlfriend found out what you were doing... Just wish I had answers. I'm not crazy, I just want to understand.
Take care."
Take care Mister Memphis, I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for, because obviously it isn't me.
Friday, August 7, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 217...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 8
Going Silent
I have been having the most pleasant conversation with Mister Memphis the past little while. Last Saturday our conversation just stopped. I'm not sure what was going on, so I figured he was at work and busy. Then four days went by and nothing. On Tuesday I sent a message to him via "hangouts", but it only said he was not on and the message would be sent once he got online.
I sent another message last night to an e-mail address which had his phone number attached. I'm just perplexed as to why we went from a really interesting conversation to nothing. I am sad and disappointed as it started off as the process to get to know someone. Which lead to me realizing how interesting he was and our bond began to develop. Once I stopped hearing from him it hit me I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to these other guys I had been speaking to online. It definitely gained my attention and began to wonder and think more about him.
Now, I don't know what to think. I know he works weekends and puts in long hours. I thought by today I would have heard from him by now.
What causes a man to display such interest in someone to dropping off in the middle of a conversation. It wasn't like it was a conversation which had gone stagnant or ended. We were in the middle of a discussion, I asked if I could ask him a couple questions, he said yes so I proceeded to talk to him. Then...nothing.
My co-worker and amazing awesome friend, Theresa, thinks there is something up and there has to be a reason for him dropping off. There was the internet being down earlier this week. A police officer was shot and killed in Memphis this week. I don't know if there is anything related to him not talking to me, but I am trying to be patient and understanding. Unfortunately, since tomorrow will be a week since I have heard from him I have to just let go and move on. Where I would much rather take him up on his offer of meeting and getting to know one another better. It is disappointing, but there is nothing I can do and I don't want to be obnoxious or creepy to try and get a hold of him or find him. I keep telling myself if it was meant to be, then it will some how work out. Just a big bummer when part of me felt he was someone who had this potential to be someone to "work out".
Some of our conversation...
I have been having the most pleasant conversation with Mister Memphis the past little while. Last Saturday our conversation just stopped. I'm not sure what was going on, so I figured he was at work and busy. Then four days went by and nothing. On Tuesday I sent a message to him via "hangouts", but it only said he was not on and the message would be sent once he got online.
I sent another message last night to an e-mail address which had his phone number attached. I'm just perplexed as to why we went from a really interesting conversation to nothing. I am sad and disappointed as it started off as the process to get to know someone. Which lead to me realizing how interesting he was and our bond began to develop. Once I stopped hearing from him it hit me I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to these other guys I had been speaking to online. It definitely gained my attention and began to wonder and think more about him.
Now, I don't know what to think. I know he works weekends and puts in long hours. I thought by today I would have heard from him by now.
What causes a man to display such interest in someone to dropping off in the middle of a conversation. It wasn't like it was a conversation which had gone stagnant or ended. We were in the middle of a discussion, I asked if I could ask him a couple questions, he said yes so I proceeded to talk to him. Then...nothing.
My co-worker and amazing awesome friend, Theresa, thinks there is something up and there has to be a reason for him dropping off. There was the internet being down earlier this week. A police officer was shot and killed in Memphis this week. I don't know if there is anything related to him not talking to me, but I am trying to be patient and understanding. Unfortunately, since tomorrow will be a week since I have heard from him I have to just let go and move on. Where I would much rather take him up on his offer of meeting and getting to know one another better. It is disappointing, but there is nothing I can do and I don't want to be obnoxious or creepy to try and get a hold of him or find him. I keep telling myself if it was meant to be, then it will some how work out. Just a big bummer when part of me felt he was someone who had this potential to be someone to "work out".
Some of our conversation...
The drawings are his that he kindly shared with me.
The attractive and cool looking shelf is something he built and sits in a business
downtown Memphis, TN.
"Phillip isn't on hangouts right now. Your message will be seen later."
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