Today has been one entire week where Bristol has been allowed in the house. I never saw myself as someone who would want to sleep with a dog in my bed. Yet, after Bankman I realized how much I loved it.
I still miss that dog. I'm grateful I have a good dog, I lucked out.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 269...Happiness
We all deserve to be happy. No matter what the conditions or what we have or have not done in our lives.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQXyTgztEPI&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQXyTgztEPI&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=18
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 268...Confidence, I'm working on that...
I definitely could use this...living with confidence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqG8YqGoR3Q&index=11&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqG8YqGoR3Q&index=11&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Monday, September 28, 2015
Sunday, September 27, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 266...Fear
Fear is pulsating through me...as I reach and seek strength in faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oI7m_9C2bA&index=7&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oI7m_9C2bA&index=7&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Saturday, September 26, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 265...Continued Prayer
All I can do is pray...for what my heart deeply desires.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCdK3nltws8&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=5
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCdK3nltws8&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=5
Friday, September 25, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 264...Bloom Where You Are Planted
Ironic I was just telling this to Phillip II the last day I got to see him...Bloom Where You Are Planted
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gSii_en3Vs&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gSii_en3Vs&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=4
Thursday, September 24, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...263...Change is Coming
While out feeding my chickens yesterday, I felt something I have never experienced so powerful before. I had finished feeding them, giving them fresh straw and water and was watching them for a couple minutes before I headed to the gym. When a still, small voice spoke loudly from within me and it said very clearly, "change is coming".
Immediately I thought...my husband? Is God sending me my husband? A baby? Will I be moving?
I don't know what is ahead, but if it is from God, it will be amazing. Now to continue to be patient with His plan.
I hope I can do it.
Immediately I thought...my husband? Is God sending me my husband? A baby? Will I be moving?
I don't know what is ahead, but if it is from God, it will be amazing. Now to continue to be patient with His plan.
I hope I can do it.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 262...Future Plans
According to a friend, and now this sermon...God's plans are faster than you think. You may very well be closer to something you desire than you realize.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmRUfAuwW7c&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmRUfAuwW7c&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=3
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 261...Must Hate Dogs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jawZDhEeyFI&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=2
Hold Onto Your Peace...I know I am trying
Hold Onto Your Peace...I know I am trying
Monday, September 21, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 260...Must Hate Dogs
I have no words...please let Joel speak for me...as all I have the strength to do is listen to his sermons on my drive into work.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEaX1iw38Ck&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEaX1iw38Ck&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=1
Sunday, September 20, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On..page 259...Church with a Friend
A friend invited me to go with he to church today. I'm not sure how I feel about these church services with the BIG and LOUD bands that play. It is definitely a change to how church services are now and where the "traditional" services is what I am use to, I don't know how I feel about this change. I want to like it, but at the same time I don't.
Off and on since I moved to Nashville I have been trying to find a church which I enjoy, want to attend and would return again and again. There were two churches I enjoyed in Nashville, and I have not found anything I enjoy here in Nashville. The continuation of the search is disheartening.
Off and on since I moved to Nashville I have been trying to find a church which I enjoy, want to attend and would return again and again. There were two churches I enjoyed in Nashville, and I have not found anything I enjoy here in Nashville. The continuation of the search is disheartening.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 258...Patience
I am a believer, I do believe in God and that He loves us very much. I also believe my faith is being tested more than anything before in my life. I have finally been open and honest about my hearts desires, and I have a feeling...what I want is on its way...but waiting for the time to pass to get me there is heart wrenching.
Friday, September 18, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 257...Friday's
Friday's are hard for me. I leave work with no one at home to look forward to going home to. As the afternoon at work wears on my heart gets heavier and heavier and I become more sad. On the drive it is hard as I usually find myself in tears.
Tonight I had plans, but when my friend found out it would only be me instead of me and a mutual friend...she canceled. Granted I don't know if that was the exact reason, she said work was going to keep her late...I don't know, it was discouraging and I couldn't help but wonder...if I am going to be unhappy here...maybe I should just move and be unhappy somewhere else?
Tonight I had plans, but when my friend found out it would only be me instead of me and a mutual friend...she canceled. Granted I don't know if that was the exact reason, she said work was going to keep her late...I don't know, it was discouraging and I couldn't help but wonder...if I am going to be unhappy here...maybe I should just move and be unhappy somewhere else?
Thursday, September 17, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 256...Bristol
I still cannot believe I have a dog...it has been an adjustment, but the companionship has been nice.
Looking forward to the day when I have a yard for her to run and play in...
Looking forward to the day when I have a yard for her to run and play in...
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On page 255...Lost for words
I have no words...for now...my heart is too heavy. Even after all this time, I miss Phillip II...more than I thought could be possible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
LaCresha's Focuses On...page 254...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 22
Feeling Lost
I am not sure why I am still hung up on this guy, Phillip. This past Sunday marked two weeks since I heard from him. Is it because I slept with him? Is it because of all the things he said to me? I'm not sure. I just know I have been in quite an interesting state, almost a tailspin for two weeks now.
It is interesting how things can change in just one month. A month ago I was on cloud nine with this Phillip guy...he was into me, he was texting me, calling me, sharing things about his life with me.
Then he loses his job and where he was already depressed, he pulls back. Granted I do that too, as do majority of my friends. I tried to be passive while supportive...now I miss him so much. I miss his Mom and his dog.
For quite some time I have been feeling lost. I feel like my time in Nashville is coming to an end. Yet, I don't know where I would go, so I stay and make the best of it. After all, one needs to bloom where you are planted. I heard a very profound statement by my friend Winter the other day.
"The truth is, you are still here. So, go and do something with your day to show God you appreciate it."
I don't know what to do. I'm waking up in the middle of the night, thinking of Phillip. I fall asleep praying about him and for his Mom's well being. I also pray for my friends and family and the blessings in my life. I wake up wondering what the purpose is and what I should be doing. Right now my focus is and has been to get out of debt. Find a different place to live and possibly kids. It is the beginning stage of the 'kid' planning, but the thought is in the forefront of my mind right now.
I keep praying that I will find direction...that God will show me the way.
I am not sure why I am still hung up on this guy, Phillip. This past Sunday marked two weeks since I heard from him. Is it because I slept with him? Is it because of all the things he said to me? I'm not sure. I just know I have been in quite an interesting state, almost a tailspin for two weeks now.
It is interesting how things can change in just one month. A month ago I was on cloud nine with this Phillip guy...he was into me, he was texting me, calling me, sharing things about his life with me.
Then he loses his job and where he was already depressed, he pulls back. Granted I do that too, as do majority of my friends. I tried to be passive while supportive...now I miss him so much. I miss his Mom and his dog.
For quite some time I have been feeling lost. I feel like my time in Nashville is coming to an end. Yet, I don't know where I would go, so I stay and make the best of it. After all, one needs to bloom where you are planted. I heard a very profound statement by my friend Winter the other day.
"The truth is, you are still here. So, go and do something with your day to show God you appreciate it."
I don't know what to do. I'm waking up in the middle of the night, thinking of Phillip. I fall asleep praying about him and for his Mom's well being. I also pray for my friends and family and the blessings in my life. I wake up wondering what the purpose is and what I should be doing. Right now my focus is and has been to get out of debt. Find a different place to live and possibly kids. It is the beginning stage of the 'kid' planning, but the thought is in the forefront of my mind right now.
I keep praying that I will find direction...that God will show me the way.
Monday, September 14, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 253...Alzheimer's
Today I spend a lot of time researching Alzheimer's today. I wanted to find out more for me as my Mom has said for years she has Alzheimer's, and my Grandma had it. I feel I need to be aware about the disease. It was also to do the research to print off some material for someone who is currently dealing with their Mom and Alzheimer's. He feels she is stabilizing and he can leave her, I worry about what may happen to her if he does.
I'm not sure how to get that information to him. I'm praying about it and hoping I'm not crossing a line or making him uncomfortable to pass along this information to him.
Here is some of the information I found, maybe it will help someone else find some understanding in their own family situation.
I'm not sure how to get that information to him. I'm praying about it and hoping I'm not crossing a line or making him uncomfortable to pass along this information to him.
Here is some of the information I found, maybe it will help someone else find some understanding in their own family situation.
Alzheimer’s Disease Caregiver Tips
By
Susan Bernstein
Your mom or dad has been
diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. While your first feeling may be worry, you can get
support to help you guide your parent’s care and manage costs. That way you can
make the most of your time together.
Several local, national,
and online resources can help you find care for your parent, along with
discounts, delivered meals, and legal or financial tips. Here are some leads on
how to get started.
Your first step is to draw
up a plan for your parent’s future care, says Ruth Drew, director of Family and
Information Services for the Alzheimer’s Association. Talk to a social worker
trained in Alzheimer’s care or to a support group to help you make a checklist,
she says. You can contact a social worker at your local hospital, community
center, nursing home, or assisted
living center.
“You need to address now your plan for down the road,” Drew says. Your plan may change as your parent’s health or needs change, she says. Most importantly, “involve the person with the disease in these conversations. Understand their wants and choices, and incorporate these into your plan.”
“You need to address now your plan for down the road,” Drew says. Your plan may change as your parent’s health or needs change, she says. Most importantly, “involve the person with the disease in these conversations. Understand their wants and choices, and incorporate these into your plan.”
Your plan might include:
·
Day care, long-term care, or home health care
·
Assisted living or memory care housing
·
A financial plan to cover costs
·
Power of attorney and living will documents
·
End-of-life care decisions
·
Which family members will help with care
Different types of care can
vary greatly in cost. Your choices may be limited by your financial resources,
and insurance might not cover some choices. You'll simply do the best you can
to honor your parent's wishes. Some things might not be possible because of
financial constraints. See more tips on how to cover costs below.
Tap into a local support
group of other caregivers of parents with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, says Shelly Eisenstadt, a licensed clinical
social worker at the William Breman Jewish
Home in Atlanta. Your parent’s doctor or social worker, a local senior center,
or the Alzheimer’s Association can refer you to groups in your community.
Seek Support
continued...
You'll be able to meet
people who are going through situations very similar to yours. Many support
groups are led by a social worker or therapist trained in Alzheimer’s care.
This professional can help you understand your parent’s symptoms. “Remember,
every person’s story is unique,” Eisenstadt says.
If you have siblings and
you're sharing caregiving duties or costs, make choices as a team to avoid
conflicts that stress you out, she says. “Alzheimer’s is a family disease, even
though it affects only one person. It affects everybody.”
The Alzheimer’s Association has a 24-hour telephone help line, online caregiver’s tools, and local support groups of other caregivers. Find information on their web site, or call (800) 272-3900.
The Alzheimer’s Association has a 24-hour telephone help line, online caregiver’s tools, and local support groups of other caregivers. Find information on their web site, or call (800) 272-3900.
Keep Track of Symptoms
When it comes to helping
manage your parent's medical care, it can help to keep a record. Write down any
problems so you can bring these up at doctor’s appointments, Eisenstadt says.
Your parent’s memory, communication skills, or ability to do everyday tasks may
slowly get worse.
“Caregivers may have a lot
of denial about their parents’ symptoms. If you look at facts written in a
journal, you can see how things are changing,” she says.
Alzheimer’s
disease may last for as long as 20 years, Drew says.
Care can involve taking
time off from your job or traveling to help your parent. Medical care,
home-health care, assisted living: Long-term costs can add up. But they can be
managed. Here’s how:
Insurance and benefits. Find out what insurance
coverage, Social Security, or retiree benefits your parent has that might help
pay for care. If your parent is in the disease’s early stages and he or she
wants to keep working for now, find out what company benefits are available to
help cover drug costs, medical appointments, or sick leave.
Personal assets. Your parent may be able to
tap into savings, a pension, or their home equity to help cover long-term care
costs. A reverse mortgage provides cash in exchange for property equity, but it
allows your parent to keep living in their home. Find out what other assets may
provide income or cash.
How to Deal
With Costs continued...
Government programs. Medicare,
Medicaid, Social Security, veterans’ benefits, and other government
programs may help pay for the care of a parent with Alzheimer’s disease. The
Family Medical and Leave Act also allows you to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid,
job-protected leave from your job to care for your parent. You'll be able to
keep your job’s insurance coverage while you're gone.
Tax deductions. If your parent’s total
income was less than $3,950 in 2014, you may be able to claim him or her as a
dependent on your tax return. You may also be able to deduct costs for your
travel to care for your parent, or out-of-pocket health-care costs from your
tax return. Consider asking an accountant to find all your deductions and
options.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 252...Love
I want to be in that place in my life where I wake next to that 'one' person. I am no longer wanting a boyfriend to "see where things will go", I have done that again and again.
Why am I still single?
Because I refuse to settle, because I have not found that special "one" yet, and as much as it hurts my heart, I will remain single until that man is brought into my life.
Why am I still single?
Because I refuse to settle, because I have not found that special "one" yet, and as much as it hurts my heart, I will remain single until that man is brought into my life.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 251...Delete
I have deleted all my online dating profiles. I just can't keep doing this....how will I ever find someone, I don't know...all I know is my heart is not into the continuous search to find a man to have in my life.
Friday, September 11, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 250...Time is Suppose to Heal
Time is meant to be a healer, but I have not experienced much healing in the past few weeks.
Just sadness...how could it be possible I still miss him and have feelings for him.
Is this ridiculous?
Just sadness...how could it be possible I still miss him and have feelings for him.
Is this ridiculous?
Thursday, September 10, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 249...Faith
Trying to have faith in the desires of my heart and the plans I pray are waiting for me.
Time...Faith...Believe... I'm trying...each and every day as I get up and out of bed.
Time...Faith...Believe... I'm trying...each and every day as I get up and out of bed.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 248...Time Will Tell
Time will tell what will come into my life and what is on its way.
I just wish I could see the big picture to have some reassurance so I wouldn't be so sad.
I just wish I could see the big picture to have some reassurance so I wouldn't be so sad.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 247...Moving Forward
I'm moving forward the best I can, with one step at a time.
Monday, September 7, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 246...This Past Weekend
This past weekend was tough, Phillip claimed he was going to "try" to come with me to the horse show.
He didn't.
It was really hard to be there this weekend. All I could do was wonder what it would be like if he would have actually shown up like he said.
Does this make him a liar? Does this make him an ass? A jerk?
I don't even know what to think right now. Maybe he just used me to get what he wanted.
He didn't.
It was really hard to be there this weekend. All I could do was wonder what it would be like if he would have actually shown up like he said.
Does this make him a liar? Does this make him an ass? A jerk?
I don't even know what to think right now. Maybe he just used me to get what he wanted.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 245...Hope Church
Today my friend and I went to her church in Memphis, Hope Presbyterian. This church is fantastic and I always feel the spirit of God when I am there. Soon as I walked into the new worship center I felt it and my eyes filled with tears. I knew I should have gone and found a Kleenex as I could have used it during the service.
The service spoke about struggle, moving forward and being grateful. Pretty amazing timing for the two of us to attend church together.
The service spoke about struggle, moving forward and being grateful. Pretty amazing timing for the two of us to attend church together.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 244...Memphis
This weekend after the horse shows I was assigned, I headed to Memphis. I was trying to remember the last time I had actually gone to Memphis. It was shortly after I had moved to Nashville, TN. The last trip I could think I had ever made was in 2008, which makes its seven years since I was there last. As I got closer to Memphis, I realized leaving Memphis was definitely the best decision. I had no regrets when it came to relocating. I don't miss Memphis at all, I keep in touch with my friends. I was blessed with encountering good people and I am thankful for that, however, I was more than happy to leave and it was encouraging to have some reassurance that I don't miss it there.
I had to get out of town, with my emotions all over the place right now, I needed to get away. It worked out well a friend is currently going through a divorce and the time for two broken hearted friends to lean on one another worked out.
The distraction alone was needed and I'm glad I had a place to run away, even for just the weekend.
I had to get out of town, with my emotions all over the place right now, I needed to get away. It worked out well a friend is currently going through a divorce and the time for two broken hearted friends to lean on one another worked out.
The distraction alone was needed and I'm glad I had a place to run away, even for just the weekend.
Friday, September 4, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 243...Bristol
Enter Bristol into my life.
A brindle Mountain Cur, a dog I have never heard of, is now a part of my life.
Is this a sign of a mid-life crisis? Or just a prevention to keep me from kidnapping Bankman?
Ugh
A brindle Mountain Cur, a dog I have never heard of, is now a part of my life.
Is this a sign of a mid-life crisis? Or just a prevention to keep me from kidnapping Bankman?
Ugh
Thursday, September 3, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 242...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 21
I woke up this morning a little before my alarm. The room was dark, my new dog was asleep next to me. Never did I imagine I would be one of those people who would want a dog in the bed with me. But, now I understand it a little bit as to why people do. It all started with Bankman, who I still miss so much, and how I fell in love with him snuggling up in the bed.
My life is not where I want it to be. I tolerate the neighborhood I am in because it is quiet, it is nice, it is a suburb, and it is safe. It allows me to be in a house, my own room, bathroom and access to the entire house and garage. It is comfortable, but there are times when I pull up and I just know this is not where I want to be. I don't want to be ungrateful or come across with the impression of loss of gratitude, but my heart isn't in it. I try every day to make the best of it.
Where I would like to leave Nashville, I stay because I don't know where I would go. I feel unsettled here and that wave of emotion gets stronger then passes, comes on like a wave sometimes small, sometimes large, but always lurking. As I don't know what to do, I try to make the best of it here. The idea of going back to Wisconsin always lingers, however, what would I do for work? Industry is growing there, and for some in certain fields they can make a very good living there. However, I'm not willing to relocate to work for $10.00-$12.00/hour. If I can make a decent living somewhere else, whether Nashville or some other place and afford to go home often, that would be great. Until then, I finally have a decent job here in Tennessee and until some sort of grand offer comes along I stay where I have a job.
Phillip is heavy on my mind. It breaks my heart that I have not heard from him and I'm beginning to think I never will. It is difficult to keep the faith when he has so much going on in his life. Did he mean it when he said he has feelings for me?
Unfortunately, with him hung up on the child which is not his own, and the fantasy of having a child to call his own his emotional attachment to that child trumps anything he would or could feel for me. So, I lose. How screwed up is it that someone would allow their child to be called "Daddy" by the wrong father, that woman needs to gain a grip on reality. However, it feeds into her need to feel less guilty for cheating on this man, it is her way of trying to make it right. It also allows her to feel less of a bad person for not knowing who the actual father is to this child. It allows her to live her life how she wants it, even if it is with the wrong person. No one suffers but me, the outsider. Eventually, when the truth comes forward that Phillip is not Tristan's father, he will be the one who suffers the most. However, these two adults don't care about that aspect they only care about themselves right now. To me, that is not right.
Then, Phillip has this hang up that moving to New York will solve all his problems, he can return to his life and be happy again. I don't know why he cannot realize he is living life now, and he could make a great life for himself if he would simply find a way to be at peace with where God has placed him. Instead he wants to run away.
Last Saturday, when he commented about how I had driven all that way to see him, I said back, "I would drive three times the distance to see you for 20 minutes". At that point he suggested the idea of him loading up Bankman, coming to Nashville and going to a horse show with me. I didn't fully believe him when he said it then, and considering I have not heard from him, I don't expect to hear from him to make plans.
My friends, think I should keep the faith. They say only I know what I can do based on how my heart feels. Right now, my heart feels shattered, torn and broken. I want to keep the faith as I feel he is worth it. However, not hearing a thing from him makes me feel he has already forgotten about me. If he hasn't, he is probably just glad I am not around anymore. Soon the flowers I dropped off for his Mom will have died and be tossed out and that reminder of me will be gone as well. Although, my intentions of dropping those flowers off were never to be a reminder of me, just wanted to do a friendly gesture towards someone I had gotten to care about as I got to know her.
As I got out of bed and snuck the dog out of the house. I still have not told my roommate about her. She was not home until late last night I was already asleep when the garage door opening woke me up. Thankfully, Bristol was quiet during the time they were talking and making noise. I'm fortunate to have a really good girl, she is quiet, sweet, relatively calm and playful. I wish her and Bankman could be buddies. Guess along with everything else, time will tell. The house was dark, the cat was freaking out as I tossed him into the bathroom so I could quietly make the escape down the stairs and outside. I'm in a bedroom, a small bedroom, I don't even sleep in my own bed. Soon it will be an official two years since I have slept in my own bed. The idea of sleeping in a bed at all is wonderful and although I am not in my own bed, sleeping on an actual bed is nice. It is nice to have a kitchen, even if small, to cook in with a refrigerator, stove, cupboards, shelves...makes me wonder IF I will ever have a kitchen of my very own? One where I can use my own pots and pans.
My life has taken shape over the past year, and has abundantly changed. Praise God all for the good. I have a decent job, a place to live, my truck is running solid, my health is good, I am eating better, working out. A lot of hard work, effort, blood, sweat and tears has brought me to where I am in life. The struggle was beyond real and it was exhausting. I'm still exhausted. All along the way I have wanted a better life, that next step. Now, I feel that step doesn't exist for me. I have so much sadness and fear in my heart I can't even function. This past Sunday I really struggled at writing anything decent for an article that needed to be submitted immediately. I couldn't hardly concentrate. I still can't concentrate.
Where I do want to leave Nashville, I think another part of me has stayed to make sure I take care of my baggage, that I'm not running from anything. I want my debt paid down before I make a decision to go anywhere. I have been hoping that maybe, just maybe a man would come along and be that person in my life who I would share a life with and we would figure it all out together.
Instead...I sit here wondering if I should keep the faith or take the hint that this man is gone forever.
Today also doesn't help when I got to the gym and discovered I forgot to pack a towel. Standing there nasty and sweaty, the option of not showering was not exactly the best of the two options. I finally decided to take a shower, I rinsed off with some soap and trotted back into the changing room where I used my sweaty clothes to dry off. Always a great thing to add to the day.
While finally getting my crying somewhat subsided at work I receive an e-mail. It was an e-mail from my Editor who is not exactly pleased as a member of the Tennessee Arabian Association is pissed with me. Apparently, I wrote inaccurate information and she is requesting not only the article to be removed, but to be reprinted.
The day just got better. I am trying to be happy, I am trying to live life, I am trying to stay busy. But this heartache is hindering me deeply and I don't know what to do. They say God brings people into your lives for a reason. What was the reason that Phillip was brought into mine? Was it for me to serve him or to get my attention, to teach me something? If he is meant to be mine, why do I have to hurt so much to watch him walk away before he comes back?
While I was making breakfast this morning I was crying, trying not to sob so I wouldn't disturb anyone. I couldn't help but think "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours to keep, if they do not, they were never yours to begin with" While I do not 'love' Phillip I do have feelings for him and care a lot about him.
Yes, time will tell...but until that day when this hurt subsides, I'm just trying to function.
My life is not where I want it to be. I tolerate the neighborhood I am in because it is quiet, it is nice, it is a suburb, and it is safe. It allows me to be in a house, my own room, bathroom and access to the entire house and garage. It is comfortable, but there are times when I pull up and I just know this is not where I want to be. I don't want to be ungrateful or come across with the impression of loss of gratitude, but my heart isn't in it. I try every day to make the best of it.
Where I would like to leave Nashville, I stay because I don't know where I would go. I feel unsettled here and that wave of emotion gets stronger then passes, comes on like a wave sometimes small, sometimes large, but always lurking. As I don't know what to do, I try to make the best of it here. The idea of going back to Wisconsin always lingers, however, what would I do for work? Industry is growing there, and for some in certain fields they can make a very good living there. However, I'm not willing to relocate to work for $10.00-$12.00/hour. If I can make a decent living somewhere else, whether Nashville or some other place and afford to go home often, that would be great. Until then, I finally have a decent job here in Tennessee and until some sort of grand offer comes along I stay where I have a job.
Phillip is heavy on my mind. It breaks my heart that I have not heard from him and I'm beginning to think I never will. It is difficult to keep the faith when he has so much going on in his life. Did he mean it when he said he has feelings for me?
Unfortunately, with him hung up on the child which is not his own, and the fantasy of having a child to call his own his emotional attachment to that child trumps anything he would or could feel for me. So, I lose. How screwed up is it that someone would allow their child to be called "Daddy" by the wrong father, that woman needs to gain a grip on reality. However, it feeds into her need to feel less guilty for cheating on this man, it is her way of trying to make it right. It also allows her to feel less of a bad person for not knowing who the actual father is to this child. It allows her to live her life how she wants it, even if it is with the wrong person. No one suffers but me, the outsider. Eventually, when the truth comes forward that Phillip is not Tristan's father, he will be the one who suffers the most. However, these two adults don't care about that aspect they only care about themselves right now. To me, that is not right.
Then, Phillip has this hang up that moving to New York will solve all his problems, he can return to his life and be happy again. I don't know why he cannot realize he is living life now, and he could make a great life for himself if he would simply find a way to be at peace with where God has placed him. Instead he wants to run away.
Last Saturday, when he commented about how I had driven all that way to see him, I said back, "I would drive three times the distance to see you for 20 minutes". At that point he suggested the idea of him loading up Bankman, coming to Nashville and going to a horse show with me. I didn't fully believe him when he said it then, and considering I have not heard from him, I don't expect to hear from him to make plans.
My friends, think I should keep the faith. They say only I know what I can do based on how my heart feels. Right now, my heart feels shattered, torn and broken. I want to keep the faith as I feel he is worth it. However, not hearing a thing from him makes me feel he has already forgotten about me. If he hasn't, he is probably just glad I am not around anymore. Soon the flowers I dropped off for his Mom will have died and be tossed out and that reminder of me will be gone as well. Although, my intentions of dropping those flowers off were never to be a reminder of me, just wanted to do a friendly gesture towards someone I had gotten to care about as I got to know her.
As I got out of bed and snuck the dog out of the house. I still have not told my roommate about her. She was not home until late last night I was already asleep when the garage door opening woke me up. Thankfully, Bristol was quiet during the time they were talking and making noise. I'm fortunate to have a really good girl, she is quiet, sweet, relatively calm and playful. I wish her and Bankman could be buddies. Guess along with everything else, time will tell. The house was dark, the cat was freaking out as I tossed him into the bathroom so I could quietly make the escape down the stairs and outside. I'm in a bedroom, a small bedroom, I don't even sleep in my own bed. Soon it will be an official two years since I have slept in my own bed. The idea of sleeping in a bed at all is wonderful and although I am not in my own bed, sleeping on an actual bed is nice. It is nice to have a kitchen, even if small, to cook in with a refrigerator, stove, cupboards, shelves...makes me wonder IF I will ever have a kitchen of my very own? One where I can use my own pots and pans.
My life has taken shape over the past year, and has abundantly changed. Praise God all for the good. I have a decent job, a place to live, my truck is running solid, my health is good, I am eating better, working out. A lot of hard work, effort, blood, sweat and tears has brought me to where I am in life. The struggle was beyond real and it was exhausting. I'm still exhausted. All along the way I have wanted a better life, that next step. Now, I feel that step doesn't exist for me. I have so much sadness and fear in my heart I can't even function. This past Sunday I really struggled at writing anything decent for an article that needed to be submitted immediately. I couldn't hardly concentrate. I still can't concentrate.
Where I do want to leave Nashville, I think another part of me has stayed to make sure I take care of my baggage, that I'm not running from anything. I want my debt paid down before I make a decision to go anywhere. I have been hoping that maybe, just maybe a man would come along and be that person in my life who I would share a life with and we would figure it all out together.
Instead...I sit here wondering if I should keep the faith or take the hint that this man is gone forever.
Today also doesn't help when I got to the gym and discovered I forgot to pack a towel. Standing there nasty and sweaty, the option of not showering was not exactly the best of the two options. I finally decided to take a shower, I rinsed off with some soap and trotted back into the changing room where I used my sweaty clothes to dry off. Always a great thing to add to the day.
While finally getting my crying somewhat subsided at work I receive an e-mail. It was an e-mail from my Editor who is not exactly pleased as a member of the Tennessee Arabian Association is pissed with me. Apparently, I wrote inaccurate information and she is requesting not only the article to be removed, but to be reprinted.
The day just got better. I am trying to be happy, I am trying to live life, I am trying to stay busy. But this heartache is hindering me deeply and I don't know what to do. They say God brings people into your lives for a reason. What was the reason that Phillip was brought into mine? Was it for me to serve him or to get my attention, to teach me something? If he is meant to be mine, why do I have to hurt so much to watch him walk away before he comes back?
While I was making breakfast this morning I was crying, trying not to sob so I wouldn't disturb anyone. I couldn't help but think "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours to keep, if they do not, they were never yours to begin with" While I do not 'love' Phillip I do have feelings for him and care a lot about him.
Yes, time will tell...but until that day when this hurt subsides, I'm just trying to function.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 241...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 20
In a Bad Place
I am feeling myself emotionally downward spiral. While one could point to it being "over a guy" it is so much more than that right now. I am crumbling, I am so deeply sad. Yesterday I began to realize maybe I just need to start looking at renting a place on my own, possibly a house. In the process I realized maybe buying a house would be a better option. Something with a yard so I can have my chickens. The friend who is allowing me to keep them in her backyard right now continues to speak of getting a divorce and having to sell her house. If that is the case, I won't have a place for them here and they will need to be moved. At this point and time, I would have to relocate them to Wisconsin as I don't have a place for them here. That would make me so deeply sad as I have already gave up my dog years ago, which worked out well because my Dad was in a position of needing a dog. Not necessarily "wanting" a dog, but the timing worked out well for Jojo and my Dad.
Looking at homes to buy a massive sense of loneliness. This is not what I want. I hope this isn't the life that I want for myself. I don't want to own a home alone, be responsible for the bills and other things by myself. Looking at the walls and open spaces in the houses I was looking at just gave me a sense of sadness. It wasn't a happy feeling. Yet, I don't have it in me to keep looking for a man to be in my life. I'm so sad and hurt right now.
Sure, I can go buy a home, adopt a child, but that is not the life I want for myself. I want it to be shared with someone. A loving man who wants to be there with me to share the responsibilities and road of life in that part of my journey. I experienced a new level of empty when I looked at the walls and open rooms of the houses listed for sale. I can fill that household up with as many kids as possible, but if that is the direction I take, I need to make certain it is for the right reasons.
I haven't heard from Phillip, which kills me inside. He is hung up on this kid which is not his. I know he wants it to be his kid, but it isn't, I feel it is only fair to this young boy of 7 years of age to know who his real father is in life, not just someone filling the role. How messed up is that mother to allow her child to call the wrong man "Daddy". It is sick, twisted and fully selfish of her to allow the wrong man, just because he is willing to fill that role. It is also selfish of Phillip to procrastinate the DNA test. I believe he is afraid of the truth, he doesn't want the truth.
Now...I'm the one alone. Again. Now, I'm trying to figure out why I can have an amazing man stand before me, say to me, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me now". He sent me a text Sunday night telling me that his Mom loved the flowers, that he just wanted to let me know. I waited until today to respond to him. I didn't want to come across as needy, pushy or crazy. Mostly, I wanted my delayed response to say to him, "you asked for time, space and respect, this is my way of displaying that to you".
Never in my life have I ever connected to someone at such a level in which I connected with him. The physical attraction was incredible, his intelligence and conversation was intoxicating, he could make me laugh, he was sweet, gentle, kind, considerate and someone who I could absolutely see sharing my life with...
My friend Nicki, Theresa, and Winter all say I should keep the faith, don't stop living my life, but give it some time to see what happens. Be a friend, give him space. Yet, the fact that he wants to return to New York so badly, concerns me for any hope for a relationship with him. While I am not holding out on him as I want to be realistic, my heart is hurting. It is so hard for me to keep the faith right now. I'd love nothing more than to hear from him...to be a friend to him, to hear him say he is staying in Tennessee verses leaving for New York and have the opportunity to fall in love with him.
Until then...I'm just trying to get through the day. The swelling in my face has finally gone down, even though tears continue to fall even though I fight it to keep myself from crying. I keep trying to believe God is at work here. I'm not sure what He is trying to accomplish through me, for me or through Phillip, but hopefully this pain will pass and maybe even answers emerge?
I find it interesting that his Mother said to me how there are things we want, but it is all in God's timing. Something which I reflect upon often wondering if that was God speaking to me through her? Was it God speaking through Nicki when she told me to "keep the faith, look at what Brian and I went through and look at us now"... I don't know, Winter thinks I should hang on, Theresa gave me her testimony of how her and her husband's relationship went about when they were dating ten years ago. These women would not lead me astray, they just wouldn't because they give it to me straight. They don't bs me, and they would not want me to even think in that direction of potential if they suspected it was something which would ONLY result in hurt.
I just pray, I prayed last night while hanging out with Bristol and crying while sitting on the tailgate of my truck. Last night I returned to the park where I once would sleep where I had no where else to go. Sometimes it has been hard to be at this park when it is so beautiful and peaceful there. I took Bristol there last night to give her exercise and just talk to God. I don't know what else to when I feel so lost and hurt.
If you are reading this, I can only hope that maybe you would be so kind to take a moment and pray for me. Help me be free of this hurt, this sadness and find answers to heal my broken heart and spirit.
I am feeling myself emotionally downward spiral. While one could point to it being "over a guy" it is so much more than that right now. I am crumbling, I am so deeply sad. Yesterday I began to realize maybe I just need to start looking at renting a place on my own, possibly a house. In the process I realized maybe buying a house would be a better option. Something with a yard so I can have my chickens. The friend who is allowing me to keep them in her backyard right now continues to speak of getting a divorce and having to sell her house. If that is the case, I won't have a place for them here and they will need to be moved. At this point and time, I would have to relocate them to Wisconsin as I don't have a place for them here. That would make me so deeply sad as I have already gave up my dog years ago, which worked out well because my Dad was in a position of needing a dog. Not necessarily "wanting" a dog, but the timing worked out well for Jojo and my Dad.
Looking at homes to buy a massive sense of loneliness. This is not what I want. I hope this isn't the life that I want for myself. I don't want to own a home alone, be responsible for the bills and other things by myself. Looking at the walls and open spaces in the houses I was looking at just gave me a sense of sadness. It wasn't a happy feeling. Yet, I don't have it in me to keep looking for a man to be in my life. I'm so sad and hurt right now.
Sure, I can go buy a home, adopt a child, but that is not the life I want for myself. I want it to be shared with someone. A loving man who wants to be there with me to share the responsibilities and road of life in that part of my journey. I experienced a new level of empty when I looked at the walls and open rooms of the houses listed for sale. I can fill that household up with as many kids as possible, but if that is the direction I take, I need to make certain it is for the right reasons.
I haven't heard from Phillip, which kills me inside. He is hung up on this kid which is not his. I know he wants it to be his kid, but it isn't, I feel it is only fair to this young boy of 7 years of age to know who his real father is in life, not just someone filling the role. How messed up is that mother to allow her child to call the wrong man "Daddy". It is sick, twisted and fully selfish of her to allow the wrong man, just because he is willing to fill that role. It is also selfish of Phillip to procrastinate the DNA test. I believe he is afraid of the truth, he doesn't want the truth.
Now...I'm the one alone. Again. Now, I'm trying to figure out why I can have an amazing man stand before me, say to me, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me now". He sent me a text Sunday night telling me that his Mom loved the flowers, that he just wanted to let me know. I waited until today to respond to him. I didn't want to come across as needy, pushy or crazy. Mostly, I wanted my delayed response to say to him, "you asked for time, space and respect, this is my way of displaying that to you".
Never in my life have I ever connected to someone at such a level in which I connected with him. The physical attraction was incredible, his intelligence and conversation was intoxicating, he could make me laugh, he was sweet, gentle, kind, considerate and someone who I could absolutely see sharing my life with...
My friend Nicki, Theresa, and Winter all say I should keep the faith, don't stop living my life, but give it some time to see what happens. Be a friend, give him space. Yet, the fact that he wants to return to New York so badly, concerns me for any hope for a relationship with him. While I am not holding out on him as I want to be realistic, my heart is hurting. It is so hard for me to keep the faith right now. I'd love nothing more than to hear from him...to be a friend to him, to hear him say he is staying in Tennessee verses leaving for New York and have the opportunity to fall in love with him.
Until then...I'm just trying to get through the day. The swelling in my face has finally gone down, even though tears continue to fall even though I fight it to keep myself from crying. I keep trying to believe God is at work here. I'm not sure what He is trying to accomplish through me, for me or through Phillip, but hopefully this pain will pass and maybe even answers emerge?
I find it interesting that his Mother said to me how there are things we want, but it is all in God's timing. Something which I reflect upon often wondering if that was God speaking to me through her? Was it God speaking through Nicki when she told me to "keep the faith, look at what Brian and I went through and look at us now"... I don't know, Winter thinks I should hang on, Theresa gave me her testimony of how her and her husband's relationship went about when they were dating ten years ago. These women would not lead me astray, they just wouldn't because they give it to me straight. They don't bs me, and they would not want me to even think in that direction of potential if they suspected it was something which would ONLY result in hurt.
I just pray, I prayed last night while hanging out with Bristol and crying while sitting on the tailgate of my truck. Last night I returned to the park where I once would sleep where I had no where else to go. Sometimes it has been hard to be at this park when it is so beautiful and peaceful there. I took Bristol there last night to give her exercise and just talk to God. I don't know what else to when I feel so lost and hurt.
If you are reading this, I can only hope that maybe you would be so kind to take a moment and pray for me. Help me be free of this hurt, this sadness and find answers to heal my broken heart and spirit.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 240...Struggle
Struggle, we all face it. I have been taught that God cares more about our character than our comfort.
I have been through a lot of that character building. Where I am thankful & feel fortunate & blessed for my life to be settling down & in a good place, I ponder the future. What lies ahead for me? Where will I end up? Wishing I knew the answers won't get them to me any quicker.
Where I'm sure my struggles are not over as the road ahead continues. I hope for peace, joy, ...the ability to show kindness to others always during my journey. I also strive to let those who I care about aware I care for them. I don't want anyone who I appreciate, who is a part of my life, go without knowing they are appreciated & loved. I'm fortunate to be blessed, thankful & grateful for so many things & blessings. (My job, friends, family, my writing, photography, chickies, house, truck, etc)
It is amazing what one gives thanks for, when one goes without for so long.
What do you give thanks for in your life? Who is in your life that could use patience, kindness, understanding or maybe just just a conversation? Possibly, just your presence while you say nothing, just be there, just be a friend.
Find a way to be at ease, in peace, have joy, be gracious, bloom where you are planted & be aware God has you where you are for a reason. People come into your life for a reason, enjoy it all...as this is about the journey, not the destination.
I have been through a lot of that character building. Where I am thankful & feel fortunate & blessed for my life to be settling down & in a good place, I ponder the future. What lies ahead for me? Where will I end up? Wishing I knew the answers won't get them to me any quicker.
Where I'm sure my struggles are not over as the road ahead continues. I hope for peace, joy, ...the ability to show kindness to others always during my journey. I also strive to let those who I care about aware I care for them. I don't want anyone who I appreciate, who is a part of my life, go without knowing they are appreciated & loved. I'm fortunate to be blessed, thankful & grateful for so many things & blessings. (My job, friends, family, my writing, photography, chickies, house, truck, etc)
It is amazing what one gives thanks for, when one goes without for so long.
What do you give thanks for in your life? Who is in your life that could use patience, kindness, understanding or maybe just just a conversation? Possibly, just your presence while you say nothing, just be there, just be a friend.
Find a way to be at ease, in peace, have joy, be gracious, bloom where you are planted & be aware God has you where you are for a reason. People come into your life for a reason, enjoy it all...as this is about the journey, not the destination.
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