I woke up this morning a little before my alarm. The room was dark, my new dog was asleep next to me. Never did I imagine I would be one of those people who would want a dog in the bed with me. But, now I understand it a little bit as to why people do. It all started with Bankman, who I still miss so much, and how I fell in love with him snuggling up in the bed.
My life is not where I want it to be. I tolerate the neighborhood I am in because it is quiet, it is nice, it is a suburb, and it is safe. It allows me to be in a house, my own room, bathroom and access to the entire house and garage. It is comfortable, but there are times when I pull up and I just know this is not where I want to be. I don't want to be ungrateful or come across with the impression of loss of gratitude, but my heart isn't in it. I try every day to make the best of it.
Where I would like to leave Nashville, I stay because I don't know where I would go. I feel unsettled here and that wave of emotion gets stronger then passes, comes on like a wave sometimes small, sometimes large, but always lurking. As I don't know what to do, I try to make the best of it here. The idea of going back to Wisconsin always lingers, however, what would I do for work? Industry is growing there, and for some in certain fields they can make a very good living there. However, I'm not willing to relocate to work for $10.00-$12.00/hour. If I can make a decent living somewhere else, whether Nashville or some other place and afford to go home often, that would be great. Until then, I finally have a decent job here in Tennessee and until some sort of grand offer comes along I stay where I have a job.
Phillip is heavy on my mind. It breaks my heart that I have not heard from him and I'm beginning to think I never will. It is difficult to keep the faith when he has so much going on in his life. Did he mean it when he said he has feelings for me?
Unfortunately, with him hung up on the child which is not his own, and the fantasy of having a child to call his own his emotional attachment to that child trumps anything he would or could feel for me. So, I lose. How screwed up is it that someone would allow their child to be called "Daddy" by the wrong father, that woman needs to gain a grip on reality. However, it feeds into her need to feel less guilty for cheating on this man, it is her way of trying to make it right. It also allows her to feel less of a bad person for not knowing who the actual father is to this child. It allows her to live her life how she wants it, even if it is with the wrong person. No one suffers but me, the outsider. Eventually, when the truth comes forward that Phillip is not Tristan's father, he will be the one who suffers the most. However, these two adults don't care about that aspect they only care about themselves right now. To me, that is not right.
Then, Phillip has this hang up that moving to New York will solve all his problems, he can return to his life and be happy again. I don't know why he cannot realize he is living life now, and he could make a great life for himself if he would simply find a way to be at peace with where God has placed him. Instead he wants to run away.
Last Saturday, when he commented about how I had driven all that way to see him, I said back, "I would drive three times the distance to see you for 20 minutes". At that point he suggested the idea of him loading up Bankman, coming to Nashville and going to a horse show with me. I didn't fully believe him when he said it then, and considering I have not heard from him, I don't expect to hear from him to make plans.
My friends, think I should keep the faith. They say only I know what I can do based on how my heart feels. Right now, my heart feels shattered, torn and broken. I want to keep the faith as I feel he is worth it. However, not hearing a thing from him makes me feel he has already forgotten about me. If he hasn't, he is probably just glad I am not around anymore. Soon the flowers I dropped off for his Mom will have died and be tossed out and that reminder of me will be gone as well. Although, my intentions of dropping those flowers off were never to be a reminder of me, just wanted to do a friendly gesture towards someone I had gotten to care about as I got to know her.
As I got out of bed and snuck the dog out of the house. I still have not told my roommate about her. She was not home until late last night I was already asleep when the garage door opening woke me up. Thankfully, Bristol was quiet during the time they were talking and making noise. I'm fortunate to have a really good girl, she is quiet, sweet, relatively calm and playful. I wish her and Bankman could be buddies. Guess along with everything else, time will tell. The house was dark, the cat was freaking out as I tossed him into the bathroom so I could quietly make the escape down the stairs and outside. I'm in a bedroom, a small bedroom, I don't even sleep in my own bed. Soon it will be an official two years since I have slept in my own bed. The idea of sleeping in a bed at all is wonderful and although I am not in my own bed, sleeping on an actual bed is nice. It is nice to have a kitchen, even if small, to cook in with a refrigerator, stove, cupboards, shelves...makes me wonder IF I will ever have a kitchen of my very own? One where I can use my own pots and pans.
My life has taken shape over the past year, and has abundantly changed. Praise God all for the good. I have a decent job, a place to live, my truck is running solid, my health is good, I am eating better, working out. A lot of hard work, effort, blood, sweat and tears has brought me to where I am in life. The struggle was beyond real and it was exhausting. I'm still exhausted. All along the way I have wanted a better life, that next step. Now, I feel that step doesn't exist for me. I have so much sadness and fear in my heart I can't even function. This past Sunday I really struggled at writing anything decent for an article that needed to be submitted immediately. I couldn't hardly concentrate. I still can't concentrate.
Where I do want to leave Nashville, I think another part of me has stayed to make sure I take care of my baggage, that I'm not running from anything. I want my debt paid down before I make a decision to go anywhere. I have been hoping that maybe, just maybe a man would come along and be that person in my life who I would share a life with and we would figure it all out together.
Instead...I sit here wondering if I should keep the faith or take the hint that this man is gone forever.
Today also doesn't help when I got to the gym and discovered I forgot to pack a towel. Standing there nasty and sweaty, the option of not showering was not exactly the best of the two options. I finally decided to take a shower, I rinsed off with some soap and trotted back into the changing room where I used my sweaty clothes to dry off. Always a great thing to add to the day.
While finally getting my crying somewhat subsided at work I receive an e-mail. It was an e-mail from my Editor who is not exactly pleased as a member of the Tennessee Arabian Association is pissed with me. Apparently, I wrote inaccurate information and she is requesting not only the article to be removed, but to be reprinted.
The day just got better. I am trying to be happy, I am trying to live life, I am trying to stay busy. But this heartache is hindering me deeply and I don't know what to do. They say God brings people into your lives for a reason. What was the reason that Phillip was brought into mine? Was it for me to serve him or to get my attention, to teach me something? If he is meant to be mine, why do I have to hurt so much to watch him walk away before he comes back?
While I was making breakfast this morning I was crying, trying not to sob so I wouldn't disturb anyone. I couldn't help but think "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours to keep, if they do not, they were never yours to begin with" While I do not 'love' Phillip I do have feelings for him and care a lot about him.
Yes, time will tell...but until that day when this hurt subsides, I'm just trying to function.
No comments:
Post a Comment