I have decided I need to revamp my entire website. I am no longer pursuing a career as a photographer, that title as much as I wanted it to, never fit me. I was never comfortable saying "I'm a photographer". It always felt awkward. I thought the more experience I gained, the more work I would do, the more paid work I would do, I would get more comfortable with that title. It never did fit me well.
Yet, writer, brings me a calm and excitement.
While researching other female author websites I came across Nora Roberts. For some reason I thought she had died...so imagine my confusion when I saw she had a new book coming out, a book signing and a current photo on her blog of a table while she was in New York.
I got her confused with Nora Ephron....that is a big oops!
It is time for me to make these changes on my website so I can have it more writing focused and detach the photography from it. I want my future career in a different direction, with the desire of having my books published. I don't like the look of my website anyway, and I may keep a little bit of my photography on there, but I want it to show what I am really working on.
I keep praying for the good in life to start happening. A big change has occurred at my day job, the office manager has put in her two week notice. I am thankful to God that my work schedule and position won't be affected.
Yet, about a month ago, God spoke to me in a still small voice and it said, "Change is coming", I'm not sure in what aspect...but I keep believing that it has to be something good!
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 301...Daily Blog
This goal I set for myself 301 days ago has been A LOT harder than I imagined it would be! Even having easy access to the internet (unlike what life was like before) it is so hard to get in a daily something! I have found myself falling behind often and not always writing the best content.
Not the best for a daily piece of work. Regardless, I am thinking of 2016 as it is approaching us, and I am considering doing a weekly piece verses a daily writing piece.
I think that would be a little easier to manage. I am also considering renaming my blog...maybe even starting over or linking to this one. Since I am no longer photography focused I need to redirect my attention.
Time will tell...I pray every day for God to show me the way!
Not the best for a daily piece of work. Regardless, I am thinking of 2016 as it is approaching us, and I am considering doing a weekly piece verses a daily writing piece.
I think that would be a little easier to manage. I am also considering renaming my blog...maybe even starting over or linking to this one. Since I am no longer photography focused I need to redirect my attention.
Time will tell...I pray every day for God to show me the way!
Sunday, November 1, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 300...Volunteer Work
I went to bed early last night as I was going to be getting up early this morning. I am going to Springfield, TN to meet the horses which will be used at the Fallen Heroes Family Camp. I am volunteering as one of their Team Leads. I will be assigned to a family who has lost their Father while serving in the military.
Around 1 am my phone buzzed a couple of times and woke me up. It was Phillip, he was thanking me for the invite to meet up with his Mom and letting me know it won't work out to get together today. Then we proceeded to talk for 3 hours. Maybe more, my last message from him came in at 4:45am. He told me during the conversation he was drinking, playing video games and forgetting.
I feel for him. He is lonely, he says he misses me, wants to see me, but it is for the wrong reasons. I asked if he wanted to talk about his situation and he said no. I believe with time when he is ready he will talk, until then I continue to pray for him and his Mom and be there as a friend.
I find it to be a great honor that God has trusted me to be a friend, and let Phillip still think of me and want to talk to me.
Good things are coming - I believe!
Around 1 am my phone buzzed a couple of times and woke me up. It was Phillip, he was thanking me for the invite to meet up with his Mom and letting me know it won't work out to get together today. Then we proceeded to talk for 3 hours. Maybe more, my last message from him came in at 4:45am. He told me during the conversation he was drinking, playing video games and forgetting.
I feel for him. He is lonely, he says he misses me, wants to see me, but it is for the wrong reasons. I asked if he wanted to talk about his situation and he said no. I believe with time when he is ready he will talk, until then I continue to pray for him and his Mom and be there as a friend.
I find it to be a great honor that God has trusted me to be a friend, and let Phillip still think of me and want to talk to me.
Good things are coming - I believe!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 299...An Addition to my Writing
I have been contemplating the idea of being a speaker and sharing my testimony with church groups. I don't expect this to be a paid thing, and I don't even know if it is anything which will happen. For some reason the idea has come to me. While I am in the middle of working on the first draft of my first book, I don't want to stray from my path yet. But, maybe my story, my struggles, my understanding will help someone else.
I don't know for certain where this idea will lead, if anywhere at all. But, it is being considered and tossed around for now.
I don't know for certain where this idea will lead, if anywhere at all. But, it is being considered and tossed around for now.
Friday, October 30, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 298...God's Timing
I just found out from a very dear friend that her son who had broken away from the family has returned to her and the entire family. She told me she has been praying for this for years. She followed up with saying that when God shows up with an answered prayer it is bigger and better than what you could ever imagine. She told me their rekindled relationship is better than she ever imagined and is incredibly thankful for this blessing.
God is good - just gotta have faith!
God is good - just gotta have faith!
Thursday, October 29, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 297...Pray...Pray...Pray
It is all I do right now. I want the desires in my heart so bad it hurts sometimes. Waiting is the hardest thing to do.
I just keep waking up giving thanks to be another day closer to my hearts desire becoming reality!
I just keep waking up giving thanks to be another day closer to my hearts desire becoming reality!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 276...Is 6 Years Too Late?
Several years ago a friend from a church I was very active with in Memphis and I were e-mailing back and forth. I sent him a heartfelt email during a time I was dealing with some loneliness and heartache of a breakup. He sent me an e-mail that was so deeply heartfelt and confessing a great struggle he was going through. This was during a time I had just joined a caving club, June 29, 2009 is when I received his e-mail. I knew I needed to respond to it, give it the attention it deserved and then I got a boyfriend, a different job, a different apartment, moved to Chattanooga, and back to Nashville, and...and...and... During this time I kept thinking about my friend and this e-mail, yet not having easy access to the internet for so long kept me from having the time to sit down and write what I felt I needed to write.
Now, six years has gone by. I don't know why, but the draw to writing to my friend has been getting strong within me lately, so I dug and dug in my endless e-mails and wrote back to him. I don't even know if that is still his e-mail address or not, or if I will hear from my friend or if I was too much of a disappointment where he would even want to write back.
Is it ever too late to try and do the right thing? I'm not sure, but at least that feeling to reach out to him has subsided.
Now, six years has gone by. I don't know why, but the draw to writing to my friend has been getting strong within me lately, so I dug and dug in my endless e-mails and wrote back to him. I don't even know if that is still his e-mail address or not, or if I will hear from my friend or if I was too much of a disappointment where he would even want to write back.
Is it ever too late to try and do the right thing? I'm not sure, but at least that feeling to reach out to him has subsided.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 275...Prayer
I came across a church's website yesterday, as I am in the search for a church to attend on a regular basis. On one of the pages I found this fascinating project that someone has been doing for two years. It has been a prayer request being done on each day.
I can't help but wonder if this is something in which I should try to do. Will I have time, will I be able to keep up with it? I try to pray every single night anyways, but there is this responsibility which comes with it when you put such a dedication to it.
It is a project I am definitely going to be dwelling upon while I debate on whether or not this is something I personally could take on.
I can't help but wonder if this is something in which I should try to do. Will I have time, will I be able to keep up with it? I try to pray every single night anyways, but there is this responsibility which comes with it when you put such a dedication to it.
It is a project I am definitely going to be dwelling upon while I debate on whether or not this is something I personally could take on.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 274...My Mom
I am so blessed. With one small request I made several weeks ago, my Mom is praying for Phillip and his Mom June and the struggles they are facing.
I was so touched when my Mom texted me yesterday saying she had one particular prayer she was saying for them. I called her and she kindly read over the prayer she has been saying for them.
How amazing is it that I ask my Mom one favor and she has been so incredibly kind and sweet to do that just because I asked her to do it.
My Mom is amazing, I am so incredibly blessed.
I also asked my Mom to pray for me and that in which lies within the desires of my heart. For some reason I had a hard time asking her to pray for me to have my husband come into my life and that I may have kids to have a family. When I finally had gotten brave enough to say something to her, I was just as surprised to find out that she knew that was what I wanted.
I guess that is part of being a Mom, they just know these things.
I was so touched when my Mom texted me yesterday saying she had one particular prayer she was saying for them. I called her and she kindly read over the prayer she has been saying for them.
How amazing is it that I ask my Mom one favor and she has been so incredibly kind and sweet to do that just because I asked her to do it.
My Mom is amazing, I am so incredibly blessed.
I also asked my Mom to pray for me and that in which lies within the desires of my heart. For some reason I had a hard time asking her to pray for me to have my husband come into my life and that I may have kids to have a family. When I finally had gotten brave enough to say something to her, I was just as surprised to find out that she knew that was what I wanted.
I guess that is part of being a Mom, they just know these things.
Monday, October 5, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Foucess on...page 275...Something Big is Coming
Two weeks ago this Wednesday (I think it was Wednesday), I swear God spoke to me. Telling me that "change is coming". I don't know what to expect, but I am struggling so hard to be patient and calm. Today I am trying to live in today, and work towards being happy again.
I don't know why I have not been able to pick myself up so easily from this last little situation. Trying to focus on my writing and prayer for now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em1zuZaSWn8&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=15
I don't know why I have not been able to pick myself up so easily from this last little situation. Trying to focus on my writing and prayer for now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em1zuZaSWn8&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=15
Sunday, October 4, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 274...A Sad Sunday
I have no words, today is Sunday and while I am at least spending it alone in the house with my dog... part of me is so unhappy. I want to be filled with peace and joy. Yet, more than anything I want kids and a husband to share my life.
I regret not being confident enough earlier in my life to openly state what I want in life. A large part of me felt it would not happen and I did not believe it would ever happen. So, it was easier to turn my back and deny what I really wanted. Now...I cannot and do not want to deny it any longer. This is what I want in my life. Today, I pray I am another day closer to what my heart desires.
I regret not being confident enough earlier in my life to openly state what I want in life. A large part of me felt it would not happen and I did not believe it would ever happen. So, it was easier to turn my back and deny what I really wanted. Now...I cannot and do not want to deny it any longer. This is what I want in my life. Today, I pray I am another day closer to what my heart desires.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 273...God and His plan
God has a plan for you, for me and we just have to wait it out sometimes.
Unfortunately, the entire waiting thing, sucks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta7EIk0MnnE&index=21&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Unfortunately, the entire waiting thing, sucks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta7EIk0MnnE&index=21&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Friday, October 2, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 272...Missing You
I am doing better...but I don't know why I still miss someone so much it hurts.
One never realizes the impact they can have on another person.
One never realizes the impact they can have on another person.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 271...Listening
I promise you God, I am trying to listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlGZldZCDtA&index=20&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlGZldZCDtA&index=20&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 270...Doggy
Today has been one entire week where Bristol has been allowed in the house. I never saw myself as someone who would want to sleep with a dog in my bed. Yet, after Bankman I realized how much I loved it.
I still miss that dog. I'm grateful I have a good dog, I lucked out.
I still miss that dog. I'm grateful I have a good dog, I lucked out.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 269...Happiness
We all deserve to be happy. No matter what the conditions or what we have or have not done in our lives.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQXyTgztEPI&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQXyTgztEPI&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=18
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 268...Confidence, I'm working on that...
I definitely could use this...living with confidence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqG8YqGoR3Q&index=11&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqG8YqGoR3Q&index=11&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Monday, September 28, 2015
Sunday, September 27, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 266...Fear
Fear is pulsating through me...as I reach and seek strength in faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oI7m_9C2bA&index=7&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oI7m_9C2bA&index=7&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1
Saturday, September 26, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 265...Continued Prayer
All I can do is pray...for what my heart deeply desires.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCdK3nltws8&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=5
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCdK3nltws8&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=5
Friday, September 25, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 264...Bloom Where You Are Planted
Ironic I was just telling this to Phillip II the last day I got to see him...Bloom Where You Are Planted
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gSii_en3Vs&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gSii_en3Vs&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=4
Thursday, September 24, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...263...Change is Coming
While out feeding my chickens yesterday, I felt something I have never experienced so powerful before. I had finished feeding them, giving them fresh straw and water and was watching them for a couple minutes before I headed to the gym. When a still, small voice spoke loudly from within me and it said very clearly, "change is coming".
Immediately I thought...my husband? Is God sending me my husband? A baby? Will I be moving?
I don't know what is ahead, but if it is from God, it will be amazing. Now to continue to be patient with His plan.
I hope I can do it.
Immediately I thought...my husband? Is God sending me my husband? A baby? Will I be moving?
I don't know what is ahead, but if it is from God, it will be amazing. Now to continue to be patient with His plan.
I hope I can do it.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 262...Future Plans
According to a friend, and now this sermon...God's plans are faster than you think. You may very well be closer to something you desire than you realize.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmRUfAuwW7c&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmRUfAuwW7c&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=3
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 261...Must Hate Dogs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jawZDhEeyFI&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=2
Hold Onto Your Peace...I know I am trying
Hold Onto Your Peace...I know I am trying
Monday, September 21, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 260...Must Hate Dogs
I have no words...please let Joel speak for me...as all I have the strength to do is listen to his sermons on my drive into work.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEaX1iw38Ck&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEaX1iw38Ck&list=PLRc8-ekzl2Va568HSwPYFbIAqXpnAG2f1&index=1
Sunday, September 20, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On..page 259...Church with a Friend
A friend invited me to go with he to church today. I'm not sure how I feel about these church services with the BIG and LOUD bands that play. It is definitely a change to how church services are now and where the "traditional" services is what I am use to, I don't know how I feel about this change. I want to like it, but at the same time I don't.
Off and on since I moved to Nashville I have been trying to find a church which I enjoy, want to attend and would return again and again. There were two churches I enjoyed in Nashville, and I have not found anything I enjoy here in Nashville. The continuation of the search is disheartening.
Off and on since I moved to Nashville I have been trying to find a church which I enjoy, want to attend and would return again and again. There were two churches I enjoyed in Nashville, and I have not found anything I enjoy here in Nashville. The continuation of the search is disheartening.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 258...Patience
I am a believer, I do believe in God and that He loves us very much. I also believe my faith is being tested more than anything before in my life. I have finally been open and honest about my hearts desires, and I have a feeling...what I want is on its way...but waiting for the time to pass to get me there is heart wrenching.
Friday, September 18, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 257...Friday's
Friday's are hard for me. I leave work with no one at home to look forward to going home to. As the afternoon at work wears on my heart gets heavier and heavier and I become more sad. On the drive it is hard as I usually find myself in tears.
Tonight I had plans, but when my friend found out it would only be me instead of me and a mutual friend...she canceled. Granted I don't know if that was the exact reason, she said work was going to keep her late...I don't know, it was discouraging and I couldn't help but wonder...if I am going to be unhappy here...maybe I should just move and be unhappy somewhere else?
Tonight I had plans, but when my friend found out it would only be me instead of me and a mutual friend...she canceled. Granted I don't know if that was the exact reason, she said work was going to keep her late...I don't know, it was discouraging and I couldn't help but wonder...if I am going to be unhappy here...maybe I should just move and be unhappy somewhere else?
Thursday, September 17, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 256...Bristol
I still cannot believe I have a dog...it has been an adjustment, but the companionship has been nice.
Looking forward to the day when I have a yard for her to run and play in...
Looking forward to the day when I have a yard for her to run and play in...
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On page 255...Lost for words
I have no words...for now...my heart is too heavy. Even after all this time, I miss Phillip II...more than I thought could be possible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
LaCresha's Focuses On...page 254...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 22
Feeling Lost
I am not sure why I am still hung up on this guy, Phillip. This past Sunday marked two weeks since I heard from him. Is it because I slept with him? Is it because of all the things he said to me? I'm not sure. I just know I have been in quite an interesting state, almost a tailspin for two weeks now.
It is interesting how things can change in just one month. A month ago I was on cloud nine with this Phillip guy...he was into me, he was texting me, calling me, sharing things about his life with me.
Then he loses his job and where he was already depressed, he pulls back. Granted I do that too, as do majority of my friends. I tried to be passive while supportive...now I miss him so much. I miss his Mom and his dog.
For quite some time I have been feeling lost. I feel like my time in Nashville is coming to an end. Yet, I don't know where I would go, so I stay and make the best of it. After all, one needs to bloom where you are planted. I heard a very profound statement by my friend Winter the other day.
"The truth is, you are still here. So, go and do something with your day to show God you appreciate it."
I don't know what to do. I'm waking up in the middle of the night, thinking of Phillip. I fall asleep praying about him and for his Mom's well being. I also pray for my friends and family and the blessings in my life. I wake up wondering what the purpose is and what I should be doing. Right now my focus is and has been to get out of debt. Find a different place to live and possibly kids. It is the beginning stage of the 'kid' planning, but the thought is in the forefront of my mind right now.
I keep praying that I will find direction...that God will show me the way.
I am not sure why I am still hung up on this guy, Phillip. This past Sunday marked two weeks since I heard from him. Is it because I slept with him? Is it because of all the things he said to me? I'm not sure. I just know I have been in quite an interesting state, almost a tailspin for two weeks now.
It is interesting how things can change in just one month. A month ago I was on cloud nine with this Phillip guy...he was into me, he was texting me, calling me, sharing things about his life with me.
Then he loses his job and where he was already depressed, he pulls back. Granted I do that too, as do majority of my friends. I tried to be passive while supportive...now I miss him so much. I miss his Mom and his dog.
For quite some time I have been feeling lost. I feel like my time in Nashville is coming to an end. Yet, I don't know where I would go, so I stay and make the best of it. After all, one needs to bloom where you are planted. I heard a very profound statement by my friend Winter the other day.
"The truth is, you are still here. So, go and do something with your day to show God you appreciate it."
I don't know what to do. I'm waking up in the middle of the night, thinking of Phillip. I fall asleep praying about him and for his Mom's well being. I also pray for my friends and family and the blessings in my life. I wake up wondering what the purpose is and what I should be doing. Right now my focus is and has been to get out of debt. Find a different place to live and possibly kids. It is the beginning stage of the 'kid' planning, but the thought is in the forefront of my mind right now.
I keep praying that I will find direction...that God will show me the way.
Monday, September 14, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 253...Alzheimer's
Today I spend a lot of time researching Alzheimer's today. I wanted to find out more for me as my Mom has said for years she has Alzheimer's, and my Grandma had it. I feel I need to be aware about the disease. It was also to do the research to print off some material for someone who is currently dealing with their Mom and Alzheimer's. He feels she is stabilizing and he can leave her, I worry about what may happen to her if he does.
I'm not sure how to get that information to him. I'm praying about it and hoping I'm not crossing a line or making him uncomfortable to pass along this information to him.
Here is some of the information I found, maybe it will help someone else find some understanding in their own family situation.
I'm not sure how to get that information to him. I'm praying about it and hoping I'm not crossing a line or making him uncomfortable to pass along this information to him.
Here is some of the information I found, maybe it will help someone else find some understanding in their own family situation.
Alzheimer’s Disease Caregiver Tips
By
Susan Bernstein
Your mom or dad has been
diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. While your first feeling may be worry, you can get
support to help you guide your parent’s care and manage costs. That way you can
make the most of your time together.
Several local, national,
and online resources can help you find care for your parent, along with
discounts, delivered meals, and legal or financial tips. Here are some leads on
how to get started.
Your first step is to draw
up a plan for your parent’s future care, says Ruth Drew, director of Family and
Information Services for the Alzheimer’s Association. Talk to a social worker
trained in Alzheimer’s care or to a support group to help you make a checklist,
she says. You can contact a social worker at your local hospital, community
center, nursing home, or assisted
living center.
“You need to address now your plan for down the road,” Drew says. Your plan may change as your parent’s health or needs change, she says. Most importantly, “involve the person with the disease in these conversations. Understand their wants and choices, and incorporate these into your plan.”
“You need to address now your plan for down the road,” Drew says. Your plan may change as your parent’s health or needs change, she says. Most importantly, “involve the person with the disease in these conversations. Understand their wants and choices, and incorporate these into your plan.”
Your plan might include:
·
Day care, long-term care, or home health care
·
Assisted living or memory care housing
·
A financial plan to cover costs
·
Power of attorney and living will documents
·
End-of-life care decisions
·
Which family members will help with care
Different types of care can
vary greatly in cost. Your choices may be limited by your financial resources,
and insurance might not cover some choices. You'll simply do the best you can
to honor your parent's wishes. Some things might not be possible because of
financial constraints. See more tips on how to cover costs below.
Tap into a local support
group of other caregivers of parents with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, says Shelly Eisenstadt, a licensed clinical
social worker at the William Breman Jewish
Home in Atlanta. Your parent’s doctor or social worker, a local senior center,
or the Alzheimer’s Association can refer you to groups in your community.
Seek Support
continued...
You'll be able to meet
people who are going through situations very similar to yours. Many support
groups are led by a social worker or therapist trained in Alzheimer’s care.
This professional can help you understand your parent’s symptoms. “Remember,
every person’s story is unique,” Eisenstadt says.
If you have siblings and
you're sharing caregiving duties or costs, make choices as a team to avoid
conflicts that stress you out, she says. “Alzheimer’s is a family disease, even
though it affects only one person. It affects everybody.”
The Alzheimer’s Association has a 24-hour telephone help line, online caregiver’s tools, and local support groups of other caregivers. Find information on their web site, or call (800) 272-3900.
The Alzheimer’s Association has a 24-hour telephone help line, online caregiver’s tools, and local support groups of other caregivers. Find information on their web site, or call (800) 272-3900.
Keep Track of Symptoms
When it comes to helping
manage your parent's medical care, it can help to keep a record. Write down any
problems so you can bring these up at doctor’s appointments, Eisenstadt says.
Your parent’s memory, communication skills, or ability to do everyday tasks may
slowly get worse.
“Caregivers may have a lot
of denial about their parents’ symptoms. If you look at facts written in a
journal, you can see how things are changing,” she says.
Alzheimer’s
disease may last for as long as 20 years, Drew says.
Care can involve taking
time off from your job or traveling to help your parent. Medical care,
home-health care, assisted living: Long-term costs can add up. But they can be
managed. Here’s how:
Insurance and benefits. Find out what insurance
coverage, Social Security, or retiree benefits your parent has that might help
pay for care. If your parent is in the disease’s early stages and he or she
wants to keep working for now, find out what company benefits are available to
help cover drug costs, medical appointments, or sick leave.
Personal assets. Your parent may be able to
tap into savings, a pension, or their home equity to help cover long-term care
costs. A reverse mortgage provides cash in exchange for property equity, but it
allows your parent to keep living in their home. Find out what other assets may
provide income or cash.
How to Deal
With Costs continued...
Government programs. Medicare,
Medicaid, Social Security, veterans’ benefits, and other government
programs may help pay for the care of a parent with Alzheimer’s disease. The
Family Medical and Leave Act also allows you to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid,
job-protected leave from your job to care for your parent. You'll be able to
keep your job’s insurance coverage while you're gone.
Tax deductions. If your parent’s total
income was less than $3,950 in 2014, you may be able to claim him or her as a
dependent on your tax return. You may also be able to deduct costs for your
travel to care for your parent, or out-of-pocket health-care costs from your
tax return. Consider asking an accountant to find all your deductions and
options.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 252...Love
I want to be in that place in my life where I wake next to that 'one' person. I am no longer wanting a boyfriend to "see where things will go", I have done that again and again.
Why am I still single?
Because I refuse to settle, because I have not found that special "one" yet, and as much as it hurts my heart, I will remain single until that man is brought into my life.
Why am I still single?
Because I refuse to settle, because I have not found that special "one" yet, and as much as it hurts my heart, I will remain single until that man is brought into my life.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 251...Delete
I have deleted all my online dating profiles. I just can't keep doing this....how will I ever find someone, I don't know...all I know is my heart is not into the continuous search to find a man to have in my life.
Friday, September 11, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 250...Time is Suppose to Heal
Time is meant to be a healer, but I have not experienced much healing in the past few weeks.
Just sadness...how could it be possible I still miss him and have feelings for him.
Is this ridiculous?
Just sadness...how could it be possible I still miss him and have feelings for him.
Is this ridiculous?
Thursday, September 10, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 249...Faith
Trying to have faith in the desires of my heart and the plans I pray are waiting for me.
Time...Faith...Believe... I'm trying...each and every day as I get up and out of bed.
Time...Faith...Believe... I'm trying...each and every day as I get up and out of bed.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 248...Time Will Tell
Time will tell what will come into my life and what is on its way.
I just wish I could see the big picture to have some reassurance so I wouldn't be so sad.
I just wish I could see the big picture to have some reassurance so I wouldn't be so sad.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 247...Moving Forward
I'm moving forward the best I can, with one step at a time.
Monday, September 7, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 246...This Past Weekend
This past weekend was tough, Phillip claimed he was going to "try" to come with me to the horse show.
He didn't.
It was really hard to be there this weekend. All I could do was wonder what it would be like if he would have actually shown up like he said.
Does this make him a liar? Does this make him an ass? A jerk?
I don't even know what to think right now. Maybe he just used me to get what he wanted.
He didn't.
It was really hard to be there this weekend. All I could do was wonder what it would be like if he would have actually shown up like he said.
Does this make him a liar? Does this make him an ass? A jerk?
I don't even know what to think right now. Maybe he just used me to get what he wanted.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 245...Hope Church
Today my friend and I went to her church in Memphis, Hope Presbyterian. This church is fantastic and I always feel the spirit of God when I am there. Soon as I walked into the new worship center I felt it and my eyes filled with tears. I knew I should have gone and found a Kleenex as I could have used it during the service.
The service spoke about struggle, moving forward and being grateful. Pretty amazing timing for the two of us to attend church together.
The service spoke about struggle, moving forward and being grateful. Pretty amazing timing for the two of us to attend church together.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 244...Memphis
This weekend after the horse shows I was assigned, I headed to Memphis. I was trying to remember the last time I had actually gone to Memphis. It was shortly after I had moved to Nashville, TN. The last trip I could think I had ever made was in 2008, which makes its seven years since I was there last. As I got closer to Memphis, I realized leaving Memphis was definitely the best decision. I had no regrets when it came to relocating. I don't miss Memphis at all, I keep in touch with my friends. I was blessed with encountering good people and I am thankful for that, however, I was more than happy to leave and it was encouraging to have some reassurance that I don't miss it there.
I had to get out of town, with my emotions all over the place right now, I needed to get away. It worked out well a friend is currently going through a divorce and the time for two broken hearted friends to lean on one another worked out.
The distraction alone was needed and I'm glad I had a place to run away, even for just the weekend.
I had to get out of town, with my emotions all over the place right now, I needed to get away. It worked out well a friend is currently going through a divorce and the time for two broken hearted friends to lean on one another worked out.
The distraction alone was needed and I'm glad I had a place to run away, even for just the weekend.
Friday, September 4, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 243...Bristol
Enter Bristol into my life.
A brindle Mountain Cur, a dog I have never heard of, is now a part of my life.
Is this a sign of a mid-life crisis? Or just a prevention to keep me from kidnapping Bankman?
Ugh
A brindle Mountain Cur, a dog I have never heard of, is now a part of my life.
Is this a sign of a mid-life crisis? Or just a prevention to keep me from kidnapping Bankman?
Ugh
Thursday, September 3, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 242...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 21
I woke up this morning a little before my alarm. The room was dark, my new dog was asleep next to me. Never did I imagine I would be one of those people who would want a dog in the bed with me. But, now I understand it a little bit as to why people do. It all started with Bankman, who I still miss so much, and how I fell in love with him snuggling up in the bed.
My life is not where I want it to be. I tolerate the neighborhood I am in because it is quiet, it is nice, it is a suburb, and it is safe. It allows me to be in a house, my own room, bathroom and access to the entire house and garage. It is comfortable, but there are times when I pull up and I just know this is not where I want to be. I don't want to be ungrateful or come across with the impression of loss of gratitude, but my heart isn't in it. I try every day to make the best of it.
Where I would like to leave Nashville, I stay because I don't know where I would go. I feel unsettled here and that wave of emotion gets stronger then passes, comes on like a wave sometimes small, sometimes large, but always lurking. As I don't know what to do, I try to make the best of it here. The idea of going back to Wisconsin always lingers, however, what would I do for work? Industry is growing there, and for some in certain fields they can make a very good living there. However, I'm not willing to relocate to work for $10.00-$12.00/hour. If I can make a decent living somewhere else, whether Nashville or some other place and afford to go home often, that would be great. Until then, I finally have a decent job here in Tennessee and until some sort of grand offer comes along I stay where I have a job.
Phillip is heavy on my mind. It breaks my heart that I have not heard from him and I'm beginning to think I never will. It is difficult to keep the faith when he has so much going on in his life. Did he mean it when he said he has feelings for me?
Unfortunately, with him hung up on the child which is not his own, and the fantasy of having a child to call his own his emotional attachment to that child trumps anything he would or could feel for me. So, I lose. How screwed up is it that someone would allow their child to be called "Daddy" by the wrong father, that woman needs to gain a grip on reality. However, it feeds into her need to feel less guilty for cheating on this man, it is her way of trying to make it right. It also allows her to feel less of a bad person for not knowing who the actual father is to this child. It allows her to live her life how she wants it, even if it is with the wrong person. No one suffers but me, the outsider. Eventually, when the truth comes forward that Phillip is not Tristan's father, he will be the one who suffers the most. However, these two adults don't care about that aspect they only care about themselves right now. To me, that is not right.
Then, Phillip has this hang up that moving to New York will solve all his problems, he can return to his life and be happy again. I don't know why he cannot realize he is living life now, and he could make a great life for himself if he would simply find a way to be at peace with where God has placed him. Instead he wants to run away.
Last Saturday, when he commented about how I had driven all that way to see him, I said back, "I would drive three times the distance to see you for 20 minutes". At that point he suggested the idea of him loading up Bankman, coming to Nashville and going to a horse show with me. I didn't fully believe him when he said it then, and considering I have not heard from him, I don't expect to hear from him to make plans.
My friends, think I should keep the faith. They say only I know what I can do based on how my heart feels. Right now, my heart feels shattered, torn and broken. I want to keep the faith as I feel he is worth it. However, not hearing a thing from him makes me feel he has already forgotten about me. If he hasn't, he is probably just glad I am not around anymore. Soon the flowers I dropped off for his Mom will have died and be tossed out and that reminder of me will be gone as well. Although, my intentions of dropping those flowers off were never to be a reminder of me, just wanted to do a friendly gesture towards someone I had gotten to care about as I got to know her.
As I got out of bed and snuck the dog out of the house. I still have not told my roommate about her. She was not home until late last night I was already asleep when the garage door opening woke me up. Thankfully, Bristol was quiet during the time they were talking and making noise. I'm fortunate to have a really good girl, she is quiet, sweet, relatively calm and playful. I wish her and Bankman could be buddies. Guess along with everything else, time will tell. The house was dark, the cat was freaking out as I tossed him into the bathroom so I could quietly make the escape down the stairs and outside. I'm in a bedroom, a small bedroom, I don't even sleep in my own bed. Soon it will be an official two years since I have slept in my own bed. The idea of sleeping in a bed at all is wonderful and although I am not in my own bed, sleeping on an actual bed is nice. It is nice to have a kitchen, even if small, to cook in with a refrigerator, stove, cupboards, shelves...makes me wonder IF I will ever have a kitchen of my very own? One where I can use my own pots and pans.
My life has taken shape over the past year, and has abundantly changed. Praise God all for the good. I have a decent job, a place to live, my truck is running solid, my health is good, I am eating better, working out. A lot of hard work, effort, blood, sweat and tears has brought me to where I am in life. The struggle was beyond real and it was exhausting. I'm still exhausted. All along the way I have wanted a better life, that next step. Now, I feel that step doesn't exist for me. I have so much sadness and fear in my heart I can't even function. This past Sunday I really struggled at writing anything decent for an article that needed to be submitted immediately. I couldn't hardly concentrate. I still can't concentrate.
Where I do want to leave Nashville, I think another part of me has stayed to make sure I take care of my baggage, that I'm not running from anything. I want my debt paid down before I make a decision to go anywhere. I have been hoping that maybe, just maybe a man would come along and be that person in my life who I would share a life with and we would figure it all out together.
Instead...I sit here wondering if I should keep the faith or take the hint that this man is gone forever.
Today also doesn't help when I got to the gym and discovered I forgot to pack a towel. Standing there nasty and sweaty, the option of not showering was not exactly the best of the two options. I finally decided to take a shower, I rinsed off with some soap and trotted back into the changing room where I used my sweaty clothes to dry off. Always a great thing to add to the day.
While finally getting my crying somewhat subsided at work I receive an e-mail. It was an e-mail from my Editor who is not exactly pleased as a member of the Tennessee Arabian Association is pissed with me. Apparently, I wrote inaccurate information and she is requesting not only the article to be removed, but to be reprinted.
The day just got better. I am trying to be happy, I am trying to live life, I am trying to stay busy. But this heartache is hindering me deeply and I don't know what to do. They say God brings people into your lives for a reason. What was the reason that Phillip was brought into mine? Was it for me to serve him or to get my attention, to teach me something? If he is meant to be mine, why do I have to hurt so much to watch him walk away before he comes back?
While I was making breakfast this morning I was crying, trying not to sob so I wouldn't disturb anyone. I couldn't help but think "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours to keep, if they do not, they were never yours to begin with" While I do not 'love' Phillip I do have feelings for him and care a lot about him.
Yes, time will tell...but until that day when this hurt subsides, I'm just trying to function.
My life is not where I want it to be. I tolerate the neighborhood I am in because it is quiet, it is nice, it is a suburb, and it is safe. It allows me to be in a house, my own room, bathroom and access to the entire house and garage. It is comfortable, but there are times when I pull up and I just know this is not where I want to be. I don't want to be ungrateful or come across with the impression of loss of gratitude, but my heart isn't in it. I try every day to make the best of it.
Where I would like to leave Nashville, I stay because I don't know where I would go. I feel unsettled here and that wave of emotion gets stronger then passes, comes on like a wave sometimes small, sometimes large, but always lurking. As I don't know what to do, I try to make the best of it here. The idea of going back to Wisconsin always lingers, however, what would I do for work? Industry is growing there, and for some in certain fields they can make a very good living there. However, I'm not willing to relocate to work for $10.00-$12.00/hour. If I can make a decent living somewhere else, whether Nashville or some other place and afford to go home often, that would be great. Until then, I finally have a decent job here in Tennessee and until some sort of grand offer comes along I stay where I have a job.
Phillip is heavy on my mind. It breaks my heart that I have not heard from him and I'm beginning to think I never will. It is difficult to keep the faith when he has so much going on in his life. Did he mean it when he said he has feelings for me?
Unfortunately, with him hung up on the child which is not his own, and the fantasy of having a child to call his own his emotional attachment to that child trumps anything he would or could feel for me. So, I lose. How screwed up is it that someone would allow their child to be called "Daddy" by the wrong father, that woman needs to gain a grip on reality. However, it feeds into her need to feel less guilty for cheating on this man, it is her way of trying to make it right. It also allows her to feel less of a bad person for not knowing who the actual father is to this child. It allows her to live her life how she wants it, even if it is with the wrong person. No one suffers but me, the outsider. Eventually, when the truth comes forward that Phillip is not Tristan's father, he will be the one who suffers the most. However, these two adults don't care about that aspect they only care about themselves right now. To me, that is not right.
Then, Phillip has this hang up that moving to New York will solve all his problems, he can return to his life and be happy again. I don't know why he cannot realize he is living life now, and he could make a great life for himself if he would simply find a way to be at peace with where God has placed him. Instead he wants to run away.
Last Saturday, when he commented about how I had driven all that way to see him, I said back, "I would drive three times the distance to see you for 20 minutes". At that point he suggested the idea of him loading up Bankman, coming to Nashville and going to a horse show with me. I didn't fully believe him when he said it then, and considering I have not heard from him, I don't expect to hear from him to make plans.
My friends, think I should keep the faith. They say only I know what I can do based on how my heart feels. Right now, my heart feels shattered, torn and broken. I want to keep the faith as I feel he is worth it. However, not hearing a thing from him makes me feel he has already forgotten about me. If he hasn't, he is probably just glad I am not around anymore. Soon the flowers I dropped off for his Mom will have died and be tossed out and that reminder of me will be gone as well. Although, my intentions of dropping those flowers off were never to be a reminder of me, just wanted to do a friendly gesture towards someone I had gotten to care about as I got to know her.
As I got out of bed and snuck the dog out of the house. I still have not told my roommate about her. She was not home until late last night I was already asleep when the garage door opening woke me up. Thankfully, Bristol was quiet during the time they were talking and making noise. I'm fortunate to have a really good girl, she is quiet, sweet, relatively calm and playful. I wish her and Bankman could be buddies. Guess along with everything else, time will tell. The house was dark, the cat was freaking out as I tossed him into the bathroom so I could quietly make the escape down the stairs and outside. I'm in a bedroom, a small bedroom, I don't even sleep in my own bed. Soon it will be an official two years since I have slept in my own bed. The idea of sleeping in a bed at all is wonderful and although I am not in my own bed, sleeping on an actual bed is nice. It is nice to have a kitchen, even if small, to cook in with a refrigerator, stove, cupboards, shelves...makes me wonder IF I will ever have a kitchen of my very own? One where I can use my own pots and pans.
My life has taken shape over the past year, and has abundantly changed. Praise God all for the good. I have a decent job, a place to live, my truck is running solid, my health is good, I am eating better, working out. A lot of hard work, effort, blood, sweat and tears has brought me to where I am in life. The struggle was beyond real and it was exhausting. I'm still exhausted. All along the way I have wanted a better life, that next step. Now, I feel that step doesn't exist for me. I have so much sadness and fear in my heart I can't even function. This past Sunday I really struggled at writing anything decent for an article that needed to be submitted immediately. I couldn't hardly concentrate. I still can't concentrate.
Where I do want to leave Nashville, I think another part of me has stayed to make sure I take care of my baggage, that I'm not running from anything. I want my debt paid down before I make a decision to go anywhere. I have been hoping that maybe, just maybe a man would come along and be that person in my life who I would share a life with and we would figure it all out together.
Instead...I sit here wondering if I should keep the faith or take the hint that this man is gone forever.
Today also doesn't help when I got to the gym and discovered I forgot to pack a towel. Standing there nasty and sweaty, the option of not showering was not exactly the best of the two options. I finally decided to take a shower, I rinsed off with some soap and trotted back into the changing room where I used my sweaty clothes to dry off. Always a great thing to add to the day.
While finally getting my crying somewhat subsided at work I receive an e-mail. It was an e-mail from my Editor who is not exactly pleased as a member of the Tennessee Arabian Association is pissed with me. Apparently, I wrote inaccurate information and she is requesting not only the article to be removed, but to be reprinted.
The day just got better. I am trying to be happy, I am trying to live life, I am trying to stay busy. But this heartache is hindering me deeply and I don't know what to do. They say God brings people into your lives for a reason. What was the reason that Phillip was brought into mine? Was it for me to serve him or to get my attention, to teach me something? If he is meant to be mine, why do I have to hurt so much to watch him walk away before he comes back?
While I was making breakfast this morning I was crying, trying not to sob so I wouldn't disturb anyone. I couldn't help but think "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours to keep, if they do not, they were never yours to begin with" While I do not 'love' Phillip I do have feelings for him and care a lot about him.
Yes, time will tell...but until that day when this hurt subsides, I'm just trying to function.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 241...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 20
In a Bad Place
I am feeling myself emotionally downward spiral. While one could point to it being "over a guy" it is so much more than that right now. I am crumbling, I am so deeply sad. Yesterday I began to realize maybe I just need to start looking at renting a place on my own, possibly a house. In the process I realized maybe buying a house would be a better option. Something with a yard so I can have my chickens. The friend who is allowing me to keep them in her backyard right now continues to speak of getting a divorce and having to sell her house. If that is the case, I won't have a place for them here and they will need to be moved. At this point and time, I would have to relocate them to Wisconsin as I don't have a place for them here. That would make me so deeply sad as I have already gave up my dog years ago, which worked out well because my Dad was in a position of needing a dog. Not necessarily "wanting" a dog, but the timing worked out well for Jojo and my Dad.
Looking at homes to buy a massive sense of loneliness. This is not what I want. I hope this isn't the life that I want for myself. I don't want to own a home alone, be responsible for the bills and other things by myself. Looking at the walls and open spaces in the houses I was looking at just gave me a sense of sadness. It wasn't a happy feeling. Yet, I don't have it in me to keep looking for a man to be in my life. I'm so sad and hurt right now.
Sure, I can go buy a home, adopt a child, but that is not the life I want for myself. I want it to be shared with someone. A loving man who wants to be there with me to share the responsibilities and road of life in that part of my journey. I experienced a new level of empty when I looked at the walls and open rooms of the houses listed for sale. I can fill that household up with as many kids as possible, but if that is the direction I take, I need to make certain it is for the right reasons.
I haven't heard from Phillip, which kills me inside. He is hung up on this kid which is not his. I know he wants it to be his kid, but it isn't, I feel it is only fair to this young boy of 7 years of age to know who his real father is in life, not just someone filling the role. How messed up is that mother to allow her child to call the wrong man "Daddy". It is sick, twisted and fully selfish of her to allow the wrong man, just because he is willing to fill that role. It is also selfish of Phillip to procrastinate the DNA test. I believe he is afraid of the truth, he doesn't want the truth.
Now...I'm the one alone. Again. Now, I'm trying to figure out why I can have an amazing man stand before me, say to me, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me now". He sent me a text Sunday night telling me that his Mom loved the flowers, that he just wanted to let me know. I waited until today to respond to him. I didn't want to come across as needy, pushy or crazy. Mostly, I wanted my delayed response to say to him, "you asked for time, space and respect, this is my way of displaying that to you".
Never in my life have I ever connected to someone at such a level in which I connected with him. The physical attraction was incredible, his intelligence and conversation was intoxicating, he could make me laugh, he was sweet, gentle, kind, considerate and someone who I could absolutely see sharing my life with...
My friend Nicki, Theresa, and Winter all say I should keep the faith, don't stop living my life, but give it some time to see what happens. Be a friend, give him space. Yet, the fact that he wants to return to New York so badly, concerns me for any hope for a relationship with him. While I am not holding out on him as I want to be realistic, my heart is hurting. It is so hard for me to keep the faith right now. I'd love nothing more than to hear from him...to be a friend to him, to hear him say he is staying in Tennessee verses leaving for New York and have the opportunity to fall in love with him.
Until then...I'm just trying to get through the day. The swelling in my face has finally gone down, even though tears continue to fall even though I fight it to keep myself from crying. I keep trying to believe God is at work here. I'm not sure what He is trying to accomplish through me, for me or through Phillip, but hopefully this pain will pass and maybe even answers emerge?
I find it interesting that his Mother said to me how there are things we want, but it is all in God's timing. Something which I reflect upon often wondering if that was God speaking to me through her? Was it God speaking through Nicki when she told me to "keep the faith, look at what Brian and I went through and look at us now"... I don't know, Winter thinks I should hang on, Theresa gave me her testimony of how her and her husband's relationship went about when they were dating ten years ago. These women would not lead me astray, they just wouldn't because they give it to me straight. They don't bs me, and they would not want me to even think in that direction of potential if they suspected it was something which would ONLY result in hurt.
I just pray, I prayed last night while hanging out with Bristol and crying while sitting on the tailgate of my truck. Last night I returned to the park where I once would sleep where I had no where else to go. Sometimes it has been hard to be at this park when it is so beautiful and peaceful there. I took Bristol there last night to give her exercise and just talk to God. I don't know what else to when I feel so lost and hurt.
If you are reading this, I can only hope that maybe you would be so kind to take a moment and pray for me. Help me be free of this hurt, this sadness and find answers to heal my broken heart and spirit.
I am feeling myself emotionally downward spiral. While one could point to it being "over a guy" it is so much more than that right now. I am crumbling, I am so deeply sad. Yesterday I began to realize maybe I just need to start looking at renting a place on my own, possibly a house. In the process I realized maybe buying a house would be a better option. Something with a yard so I can have my chickens. The friend who is allowing me to keep them in her backyard right now continues to speak of getting a divorce and having to sell her house. If that is the case, I won't have a place for them here and they will need to be moved. At this point and time, I would have to relocate them to Wisconsin as I don't have a place for them here. That would make me so deeply sad as I have already gave up my dog years ago, which worked out well because my Dad was in a position of needing a dog. Not necessarily "wanting" a dog, but the timing worked out well for Jojo and my Dad.
Looking at homes to buy a massive sense of loneliness. This is not what I want. I hope this isn't the life that I want for myself. I don't want to own a home alone, be responsible for the bills and other things by myself. Looking at the walls and open spaces in the houses I was looking at just gave me a sense of sadness. It wasn't a happy feeling. Yet, I don't have it in me to keep looking for a man to be in my life. I'm so sad and hurt right now.
Sure, I can go buy a home, adopt a child, but that is not the life I want for myself. I want it to be shared with someone. A loving man who wants to be there with me to share the responsibilities and road of life in that part of my journey. I experienced a new level of empty when I looked at the walls and open rooms of the houses listed for sale. I can fill that household up with as many kids as possible, but if that is the direction I take, I need to make certain it is for the right reasons.
I haven't heard from Phillip, which kills me inside. He is hung up on this kid which is not his. I know he wants it to be his kid, but it isn't, I feel it is only fair to this young boy of 7 years of age to know who his real father is in life, not just someone filling the role. How messed up is that mother to allow her child to call the wrong man "Daddy". It is sick, twisted and fully selfish of her to allow the wrong man, just because he is willing to fill that role. It is also selfish of Phillip to procrastinate the DNA test. I believe he is afraid of the truth, he doesn't want the truth.
Now...I'm the one alone. Again. Now, I'm trying to figure out why I can have an amazing man stand before me, say to me, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me now". He sent me a text Sunday night telling me that his Mom loved the flowers, that he just wanted to let me know. I waited until today to respond to him. I didn't want to come across as needy, pushy or crazy. Mostly, I wanted my delayed response to say to him, "you asked for time, space and respect, this is my way of displaying that to you".
Never in my life have I ever connected to someone at such a level in which I connected with him. The physical attraction was incredible, his intelligence and conversation was intoxicating, he could make me laugh, he was sweet, gentle, kind, considerate and someone who I could absolutely see sharing my life with...
My friend Nicki, Theresa, and Winter all say I should keep the faith, don't stop living my life, but give it some time to see what happens. Be a friend, give him space. Yet, the fact that he wants to return to New York so badly, concerns me for any hope for a relationship with him. While I am not holding out on him as I want to be realistic, my heart is hurting. It is so hard for me to keep the faith right now. I'd love nothing more than to hear from him...to be a friend to him, to hear him say he is staying in Tennessee verses leaving for New York and have the opportunity to fall in love with him.
Until then...I'm just trying to get through the day. The swelling in my face has finally gone down, even though tears continue to fall even though I fight it to keep myself from crying. I keep trying to believe God is at work here. I'm not sure what He is trying to accomplish through me, for me or through Phillip, but hopefully this pain will pass and maybe even answers emerge?
I find it interesting that his Mother said to me how there are things we want, but it is all in God's timing. Something which I reflect upon often wondering if that was God speaking to me through her? Was it God speaking through Nicki when she told me to "keep the faith, look at what Brian and I went through and look at us now"... I don't know, Winter thinks I should hang on, Theresa gave me her testimony of how her and her husband's relationship went about when they were dating ten years ago. These women would not lead me astray, they just wouldn't because they give it to me straight. They don't bs me, and they would not want me to even think in that direction of potential if they suspected it was something which would ONLY result in hurt.
I just pray, I prayed last night while hanging out with Bristol and crying while sitting on the tailgate of my truck. Last night I returned to the park where I once would sleep where I had no where else to go. Sometimes it has been hard to be at this park when it is so beautiful and peaceful there. I took Bristol there last night to give her exercise and just talk to God. I don't know what else to when I feel so lost and hurt.
If you are reading this, I can only hope that maybe you would be so kind to take a moment and pray for me. Help me be free of this hurt, this sadness and find answers to heal my broken heart and spirit.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 240...Struggle
Struggle, we all face it. I have been taught that God cares more about our character than our comfort.
I have been through a lot of that character building. Where I am thankful & feel fortunate & blessed for my life to be settling down & in a good place, I ponder the future. What lies ahead for me? Where will I end up? Wishing I knew the answers won't get them to me any quicker.
Where I'm sure my struggles are not over as the road ahead continues. I hope for peace, joy, ...the ability to show kindness to others always during my journey. I also strive to let those who I care about aware I care for them. I don't want anyone who I appreciate, who is a part of my life, go without knowing they are appreciated & loved. I'm fortunate to be blessed, thankful & grateful for so many things & blessings. (My job, friends, family, my writing, photography, chickies, house, truck, etc)
It is amazing what one gives thanks for, when one goes without for so long.
What do you give thanks for in your life? Who is in your life that could use patience, kindness, understanding or maybe just just a conversation? Possibly, just your presence while you say nothing, just be there, just be a friend.
Find a way to be at ease, in peace, have joy, be gracious, bloom where you are planted & be aware God has you where you are for a reason. People come into your life for a reason, enjoy it all...as this is about the journey, not the destination.
I have been through a lot of that character building. Where I am thankful & feel fortunate & blessed for my life to be settling down & in a good place, I ponder the future. What lies ahead for me? Where will I end up? Wishing I knew the answers won't get them to me any quicker.
Where I'm sure my struggles are not over as the road ahead continues. I hope for peace, joy, ...the ability to show kindness to others always during my journey. I also strive to let those who I care about aware I care for them. I don't want anyone who I appreciate, who is a part of my life, go without knowing they are appreciated & loved. I'm fortunate to be blessed, thankful & grateful for so many things & blessings. (My job, friends, family, my writing, photography, chickies, house, truck, etc)
It is amazing what one gives thanks for, when one goes without for so long.
What do you give thanks for in your life? Who is in your life that could use patience, kindness, understanding or maybe just just a conversation? Possibly, just your presence while you say nothing, just be there, just be a friend.
Find a way to be at ease, in peace, have joy, be gracious, bloom where you are planted & be aware God has you where you are for a reason. People come into your life for a reason, enjoy it all...as this is about the journey, not the destination.
Monday, August 31, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 239...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 19
Puffy Face
Today is day three of having my face swollen from crying. How bad does it suck to have an incredible, amazing, attractive man stand in front of you who says, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me and I can't be what you need right now"
Great, that is just fantastic.
How is it that I go onto an online dating site, meet a great guy who wants to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to date anyone.
I can't help but look at the swelling in my face and under my eyes and wonder how many more wrinkles this is going to cause and create. Great, age me some more, make me look worse.
I'm just broken and at a complete loss. I give up. I do, I can't keep doing this, the rejection, the hurt, the getting the hopes up, trying to do the right thing, trying to maintain balance with my approach.
I don't have enough in me anymore.
I miss Phillip's Mom and his dog...I miss Phillip, but that just can't matter anymore. Would love to be talking with his Mom and playing or snuggling up with Bankman, who is such a great dog.
Yesterday I went out and checked out the dogs at the Humane Society. I found a Mountain Cur/Greyhound mix with a beautiful brindle coat. My roommate has said no to me having the dog at the house, so I am coming up with a plan B. Heading over there shortly to see if she is still available or not...then the planning will continue.
I'm just tired of constantly and always doing things by myself. Since that doesn't seem to ever gonna change, I would like to at least have a dog to pal around with and need something sweet, snuggly, calm and quiet. Something that will like to ride in my truck and go to horse shows with me. Since I can't have Bankman, I am going to look into getting my own dog.
Today is day three of having my face swollen from crying. How bad does it suck to have an incredible, amazing, attractive man stand in front of you who says, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me and I can't be what you need right now"
Great, that is just fantastic.
How is it that I go onto an online dating site, meet a great guy who wants to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to date anyone.
I can't help but look at the swelling in my face and under my eyes and wonder how many more wrinkles this is going to cause and create. Great, age me some more, make me look worse.
I'm just broken and at a complete loss. I give up. I do, I can't keep doing this, the rejection, the hurt, the getting the hopes up, trying to do the right thing, trying to maintain balance with my approach.
I don't have enough in me anymore.
I miss Phillip's Mom and his dog...I miss Phillip, but that just can't matter anymore. Would love to be talking with his Mom and playing or snuggling up with Bankman, who is such a great dog.
Yesterday I went out and checked out the dogs at the Humane Society. I found a Mountain Cur/Greyhound mix with a beautiful brindle coat. My roommate has said no to me having the dog at the house, so I am coming up with a plan B. Heading over there shortly to see if she is still available or not...then the planning will continue.
I'm just tired of constantly and always doing things by myself. Since that doesn't seem to ever gonna change, I would like to at least have a dog to pal around with and need something sweet, snuggly, calm and quiet. Something that will like to ride in my truck and go to horse shows with me. Since I can't have Bankman, I am going to look into getting my own dog.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 238...Fall
Today, while out by my chickens I decided to pick some grass for them. I had no where to rush off to, so I got to take a few moments of the day and spend with them. This is a rare treat as I don't get to do this very often. Usually I show up, feed them, make sure each one is healthy and ok, check their little coop fence line and head to work or the gym.
While bent over picking up grass, a large leaf landed next to me. This made me look up, look around and realize the lawn was filled with leaves that had fallen from the trees. Fall is approaching. Another season has passed and summer is coming to a close. Another year is going by, I'm getting older, life is passing me by even though I am trying to be conscious and live life, and not just be idle in life.
It made me sad. As my relationship, can I even call it that, with Phillip has ended and I am hurt, sad and feeling a loss of hope, I can't help but feel the heaviness on me. Soon it will be Christmas, the trees bare bones will be exposed, the temperature will have cooled and the year will be coming to an end. While I have been actively dating, and dating more men than I ever have at one time, the idea of having someone to share my life with no longer seems possible.
Halloween will be upon us and I will watch adorable little kids run around in costumes. Thanksgiving will be here and I will watch families gather around tables, hear friends and family speak of their traditional family dinner and I will be alone.
Christmas will come to us and although, I will be home with my family, I won't have a romantic partner as I had hoped to share the holiday excitement, or to possibly bring home with me to meet my family.
Once again...I am alone. Just like that leaf that feel from the tree and lies quietly in the grass, alone. I cannot quite express the level of sadness I am feeling, but it is heavy. My heart hurts and I am going through the day in tears. I'm broken, I'm sad, I hate that I am in this position from wanting to take a risk to see if I could find a good man, not just any man, but a good man to share my life and experiences with and share a future.
The tears fall like the leaves from a tree, slowly they streak down my face. My heart is heavy. My face hurts from crying. My friend Nicki thinks I should be patient and have faith in this man. I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Which sucks, because with what I have experienced in my life, I could be there for him, be that understanding partner to help him through. But, he wasn't interested, so I said good-bye and walked away.
While bent over picking up grass, a large leaf landed next to me. This made me look up, look around and realize the lawn was filled with leaves that had fallen from the trees. Fall is approaching. Another season has passed and summer is coming to a close. Another year is going by, I'm getting older, life is passing me by even though I am trying to be conscious and live life, and not just be idle in life.
It made me sad. As my relationship, can I even call it that, with Phillip has ended and I am hurt, sad and feeling a loss of hope, I can't help but feel the heaviness on me. Soon it will be Christmas, the trees bare bones will be exposed, the temperature will have cooled and the year will be coming to an end. While I have been actively dating, and dating more men than I ever have at one time, the idea of having someone to share my life with no longer seems possible.
Halloween will be upon us and I will watch adorable little kids run around in costumes. Thanksgiving will be here and I will watch families gather around tables, hear friends and family speak of their traditional family dinner and I will be alone.
Christmas will come to us and although, I will be home with my family, I won't have a romantic partner as I had hoped to share the holiday excitement, or to possibly bring home with me to meet my family.
Once again...I am alone. Just like that leaf that feel from the tree and lies quietly in the grass, alone. I cannot quite express the level of sadness I am feeling, but it is heavy. My heart hurts and I am going through the day in tears. I'm broken, I'm sad, I hate that I am in this position from wanting to take a risk to see if I could find a good man, not just any man, but a good man to share my life and experiences with and share a future.
The tears fall like the leaves from a tree, slowly they streak down my face. My heart is heavy. My face hurts from crying. My friend Nicki thinks I should be patient and have faith in this man. I have a feeling I will never hear from him again.
Which sucks, because with what I have experienced in my life, I could be there for him, be that understanding partner to help him through. But, he wasn't interested, so I said good-bye and walked away.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 237...I'm Ready God
I'm ready God...are you listening? Can you hear me?
That next step in life...it just has to be waiting for me.
That next step in life...it just has to be waiting for me.
Friday, August 28, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 236...Life
The words echo in my mind, "you are amazing, beautiful, you have your life together, how are you still single?"
How is it that life can throw you for a loop to where you stumble, fall and as you get up again you enter into a fog that can't just simply be lifted?
Trying to figure this all out has brought me to a low I was not expecting.
How is it that life can throw you for a loop to where you stumble, fall and as you get up again you enter into a fog that can't just simply be lifted?
Trying to figure this all out has brought me to a low I was not expecting.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 235...Mom
Phillip II's Mom has really touched my heart...and I miss her a lot. I wish I would have asked her all the things I wanted to ask her, but I assumed I would see her again. I wish I would have gotten her cell phone number so I could have kept in touch.
I'm sad. I would do anything to see her again.
I'm sad. I would do anything to see her again.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 234...Longing
Just longing to be somewhere else in life, a place where I have not been taken yet.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 233...Do Men?
Do men think of the women they have had in their lives? Do they think of the woman who they have said to them, "I have feelings for you, but I have to work on me"
Is this a line of bullshit...?...or is it real?
Is it wrong to think that person might come back one day?
Is this a line of bullshit...?...or is it real?
Is it wrong to think that person might come back one day?
Monday, August 24, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 232...Unsettled
I don't know why, but that heaviness of an unsettled feeling is lurking.
I don't know what it means...part of me feels I am meant to leave Nashville...but I don't know where to go.
I don't know what it means...part of me feels I am meant to leave Nashville...but I don't know where to go.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 231...Life
Isn't life funny? One day you are up, another day you are down. One day things are the absolute best, the next heading towards a downward spiral.
You go in for a doctors appointment, to come out devastated because of the diagnosis you just received from your doctor. Maybe the diagnosis was not what you were expecting, yet the emotional turmoil you experienced help you get your priorities changed or in a new order?
Nothing is for certain. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I feel strongly that God puts us into peoples lives and geographical locations for a reason. To honor what He has done for us, the blessings He provides, shouldn't we at least make an attempt to find out what that reason is, and enjoy the life we have been given?
Some people fight it. Especially when it comes to moving somewhere you don't want to be. Yet, if we can change our way of thinking and embrace it, some times amazing gifts and blessings can come forth to us.
Look at the challenge which is facing you today, pray about it, meditate and embrace the process. It is part of God's plan, the struggle, the joy and it is shaping our character.
You go in for a doctors appointment, to come out devastated because of the diagnosis you just received from your doctor. Maybe the diagnosis was not what you were expecting, yet the emotional turmoil you experienced help you get your priorities changed or in a new order?
Nothing is for certain. Life is not a dress rehearsal. I feel strongly that God puts us into peoples lives and geographical locations for a reason. To honor what He has done for us, the blessings He provides, shouldn't we at least make an attempt to find out what that reason is, and enjoy the life we have been given?
Some people fight it. Especially when it comes to moving somewhere you don't want to be. Yet, if we can change our way of thinking and embrace it, some times amazing gifts and blessings can come forth to us.
Look at the challenge which is facing you today, pray about it, meditate and embrace the process. It is part of God's plan, the struggle, the joy and it is shaping our character.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 230...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 18
Surprise Visit
Today I had a writing assignment to attend the Ole South Dressage horse show. It was fun to be around all those Dressage horses again. Where I never was an upper level competitor, I was able to show for my trainer for a couple years in the Dressage circuit in Wisconsin and Minnesota.
For me it was an exciting day as after I finished with my story on the horse show, I headed to Springfield, TN to do a write up on a Vietnam veteran and his time spent with horses. It was an interview I was conducting for a story I am working on regarding Military Veterans and Therapy Horses.
After the interview was done I headed to Clarksville, TN to visit Phillip. I was going there as a concerned friend as he had told me the Sunday prior he had been drug out of bed by his buddy Lucas. I wanted to make sure he was alright since he had so much family stuff going on and he openly stated he was feeling depressed. I pulled up and he was surprised to see me. I told him I felt he needed a friend and I brought dinner over. A baked ziti with items for a salad were in a cooler. I pulled out the cooler and began handing everything over. He told me how I didn't need to do that, I simply stated I was worried about him, wanted to check in, that I felt he needed a friend right now. I offered to leave, but he said he was getting ready to go to the dog park and asked if I wanted to go along. We got to causally chat while we were there, he shared some information with me on how he discovered he was good at running. I loved how he stated, "When God gives you a talent, you don't piss on it"
After we got back from the dog park I offered to leave and he invited me inside. I ended up staying longer than I intended, and they had me put in the baked ziti in the oven and we had dinner together. It was an awesome afternoon as it got later and later, soon Phillip and his Mom were playing songs on their phones, we were talking music, life, it was perfect. Then his Mom was heading to bed, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and went off to her room. About 45 minutes later Phillip said he was getting tired, I said he should go to bed and that I had a drive ahead of me. He asked if I wanted to stay, I stated I was not there to impose and that would be his decision. He decided I should stay, and we went to bed. It was sweet laying next to him, and then he turned and kissed me. It was blissful. We had what I thought was a lovely intimate encounter before drifting off to sleep. I kinda loved how he reached for my arm, pulled it around me and his dog. It was incredibly sweet and I couldn't help but think this would be a great way to spend my life.
The next morning we slept in, it was much later than I expected. He kinda seemed like he was rushing me out, but it was after 10 when I got into my truck. I thought it was sweet when I was changing in his room, and he came and sat on the end of the bed. Like he just wanted to be around me.
I don't know what is to come, as he is dealing with a lot right now. I hope I can be a beacon of support and light for him during this stressful time.
Today I had a writing assignment to attend the Ole South Dressage horse show. It was fun to be around all those Dressage horses again. Where I never was an upper level competitor, I was able to show for my trainer for a couple years in the Dressage circuit in Wisconsin and Minnesota.
For me it was an exciting day as after I finished with my story on the horse show, I headed to Springfield, TN to do a write up on a Vietnam veteran and his time spent with horses. It was an interview I was conducting for a story I am working on regarding Military Veterans and Therapy Horses.
After the interview was done I headed to Clarksville, TN to visit Phillip. I was going there as a concerned friend as he had told me the Sunday prior he had been drug out of bed by his buddy Lucas. I wanted to make sure he was alright since he had so much family stuff going on and he openly stated he was feeling depressed. I pulled up and he was surprised to see me. I told him I felt he needed a friend and I brought dinner over. A baked ziti with items for a salad were in a cooler. I pulled out the cooler and began handing everything over. He told me how I didn't need to do that, I simply stated I was worried about him, wanted to check in, that I felt he needed a friend right now. I offered to leave, but he said he was getting ready to go to the dog park and asked if I wanted to go along. We got to causally chat while we were there, he shared some information with me on how he discovered he was good at running. I loved how he stated, "When God gives you a talent, you don't piss on it"
After we got back from the dog park I offered to leave and he invited me inside. I ended up staying longer than I intended, and they had me put in the baked ziti in the oven and we had dinner together. It was an awesome afternoon as it got later and later, soon Phillip and his Mom were playing songs on their phones, we were talking music, life, it was perfect. Then his Mom was heading to bed, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and went off to her room. About 45 minutes later Phillip said he was getting tired, I said he should go to bed and that I had a drive ahead of me. He asked if I wanted to stay, I stated I was not there to impose and that would be his decision. He decided I should stay, and we went to bed. It was sweet laying next to him, and then he turned and kissed me. It was blissful. We had what I thought was a lovely intimate encounter before drifting off to sleep. I kinda loved how he reached for my arm, pulled it around me and his dog. It was incredibly sweet and I couldn't help but think this would be a great way to spend my life.
The next morning we slept in, it was much later than I expected. He kinda seemed like he was rushing me out, but it was after 10 when I got into my truck. I thought it was sweet when I was changing in his room, and he came and sat on the end of the bed. Like he just wanted to be around me.
I don't know what is to come, as he is dealing with a lot right now. I hope I can be a beacon of support and light for him during this stressful time.
Friday, August 21, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 229...Julia's Birthday Cake
This past three days I have been working on making my AWESOME roommate's birthday cake. Her birthday was yesterday and her party is tonight. She picked out her cake from photos I found on Pinterest. She liked this cake which resembled a campfire. I have never made a cake to resemble a campfire before so I have slowly been mentally preparing.
Last night I made the flames out of melted candy. The direction were to find butterscotch and cinnamon candy, break them into small pieces and then melt them at 350 degrees for six to eight minutes. While using a wooden spoon on the counter trying to bust up the candy, I broke the spoon. Plan B! I took the candy in the plastic bag with a hammer outside to the sidewalk. Within just a few seconds I was able to easily bust up the candy. With this process you do have to be careful so not to puncture the bag. I then layed out the candy on the aluminum (which was sprayed down with Pam Spray) and put it in the oven. Less than six minutes later it was in a melted goo. I removed it from the oven and set it aside to cool. Within a few minutes it was still sticky, but cool. I used my hands to break up the pieces and place them around the "logs" to simulate the illusion of flames.
I think it turned out pretty cute. Unfortunately, the flames stood high and when I placed the cake topper on it to keep it protected in the fridge. So, I had to push them down further than I intended, but hopefully I can salvage that before I take it to the party tonight.
Last night I made the flames out of melted candy. The direction were to find butterscotch and cinnamon candy, break them into small pieces and then melt them at 350 degrees for six to eight minutes. While using a wooden spoon on the counter trying to bust up the candy, I broke the spoon. Plan B! I took the candy in the plastic bag with a hammer outside to the sidewalk. Within just a few seconds I was able to easily bust up the candy. With this process you do have to be careful so not to puncture the bag. I then layed out the candy on the aluminum (which was sprayed down with Pam Spray) and put it in the oven. Less than six minutes later it was in a melted goo. I removed it from the oven and set it aside to cool. Within a few minutes it was still sticky, but cool. I used my hands to break up the pieces and place them around the "logs" to simulate the illusion of flames.
I think it turned out pretty cute. Unfortunately, the flames stood high and when I placed the cake topper on it to keep it protected in the fridge. So, I had to push them down further than I intended, but hopefully I can salvage that before I take it to the party tonight.
Beginning stages
decorated...but lopsided, ha, ha
cookies added to give the impression of "logs"
Wooden spoon is no more...
Hammer works best to break up candy
future flame decoration
fresh from the oven
almost finished product
not quite as perfect as what was found on Pinterest...but I tried
Thursday, August 20, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 228...The Right Thing?
When a friend, especially a new friend is struggling, what do you do? Do you walk away? Stand by and watch or step in and help?
What would God do? What would Jesus do?
This is the first time I have really come into a situation where I am asking myself that question. This is regarding someone who I have known for only two weeks, but has opened up his heart and situation to me. This man has taken on a lot by giving up his job and life in New York to move back home to take care of his Mom. Repeatedly he has said how "he won't leave her" and I now understand his dedication to her and why he is making the sacrifices he is making for her. He has no one else, and his Mom has Alzheimer's which is causing him a great amount of stress and is putting him into a depression.
I have not heard from him since I left his house on Monday. Friends, who are more honest than what I deserve, are even saying how it is more than likely his depression which causing him to not respond to me. This individual did tell me that his best friend had to come to his house on Sunday and drag him out of bed. When I saw him he had not showered, shaved or washed his hair.
Now I sit here worrying about his well being. In my perspective a fellow Christian is struggling. As a Christian what do I do? What is the right thing to do? I don't want to come across as creepy, crazy or stage three clinger. But, I care about this person and when you don't have anyone to help you, and you have taken on such a load, sometimes you just need a friend.
I have talked to my dear friend Mersades, and my Mom, both have agreed to an idea I have come up with to try. This weekend I am going to take him a simple hot dish, some garlic bread and show up to his house and hope it isn't awkward. I want him to know I care and understand, and that he does not have to go through this alone. I don't know if this will be welcomed, I just hope he accepts my offer as what it is, someone who wants to be there for him during this difficult time.
Pray for me...anyone who is out there reading this, please? I just want to do the right thing, and I hope as a Christian, even though I am not perfect, this is what God would want me to do.
What would God do? What would Jesus do?
This is the first time I have really come into a situation where I am asking myself that question. This is regarding someone who I have known for only two weeks, but has opened up his heart and situation to me. This man has taken on a lot by giving up his job and life in New York to move back home to take care of his Mom. Repeatedly he has said how "he won't leave her" and I now understand his dedication to her and why he is making the sacrifices he is making for her. He has no one else, and his Mom has Alzheimer's which is causing him a great amount of stress and is putting him into a depression.
I have not heard from him since I left his house on Monday. Friends, who are more honest than what I deserve, are even saying how it is more than likely his depression which causing him to not respond to me. This individual did tell me that his best friend had to come to his house on Sunday and drag him out of bed. When I saw him he had not showered, shaved or washed his hair.
Now I sit here worrying about his well being. In my perspective a fellow Christian is struggling. As a Christian what do I do? What is the right thing to do? I don't want to come across as creepy, crazy or stage three clinger. But, I care about this person and when you don't have anyone to help you, and you have taken on such a load, sometimes you just need a friend.
I have talked to my dear friend Mersades, and my Mom, both have agreed to an idea I have come up with to try. This weekend I am going to take him a simple hot dish, some garlic bread and show up to his house and hope it isn't awkward. I want him to know I care and understand, and that he does not have to go through this alone. I don't know if this will be welcomed, I just hope he accepts my offer as what it is, someone who wants to be there for him during this difficult time.
Pray for me...anyone who is out there reading this, please? I just want to do the right thing, and I hope as a Christian, even though I am not perfect, this is what God would want me to do.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 227...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 17
Silence
My phone has been silent since I left Phillip's house. I have not heard a thing from him. The two friends who know about him keep telling me to wait and be patient. I get he is getting ready to go back to work, he is dealing with his Mom and I'm sure other things. However, if a guy is interested, he wants to talk to you, wants to see you.
I think I have just been used.
I am not the kind of person to grab my bag, drive an hour to go see a guy. This one was special to me. When I was driving there I did ask myself if I was crazy. But, I hoped he would not see it as a booty call and we could talk and spend some time together. When he told me there were no other girls and he was not talking to anyone else, I really let my guard down. I already was having a difficult time keeping my hands off him. Then that morning he introduced me to his Mom, we held hands while she said grace over our meal. The last two long term relationships, my ex's would not pray with me. Holding his hand while she said a prayer and listening to her words this really sunk into my heart.
To have him come upstairs and tell me how he checked on the traffic for me. The way he would give me sweet little kisses, tap the end of my nose with his finger, wrap his arms around me, I thought this was an incredible man who wanted to be with me. Now, it is this waiting game to see if or when I will hear from him.
Why does this process have to be so hard for me? What have I done so wrong? I try really hard to be a good person. If love isn't going to work for me, then why do I have to want to be in a relationship so badly? I'm not willing to be with just anyone. I'm pretty selective on who I will go out with so for me to get up, text you, want you to call me, and drive to go see you...that is a big deal. Allowing myself to be intimate with him was a big deal to me, I don't ever do something in that manner. I can control myself and have for quite some time, I'm human, I have needs, but that doesn't mean I slut it up. It means I wait for the right person.
I'm just hoping this man who has me waiting is someone worth waiting for and hopefully I will hear from him soon.
My phone has been silent since I left Phillip's house. I have not heard a thing from him. The two friends who know about him keep telling me to wait and be patient. I get he is getting ready to go back to work, he is dealing with his Mom and I'm sure other things. However, if a guy is interested, he wants to talk to you, wants to see you.
I think I have just been used.
I am not the kind of person to grab my bag, drive an hour to go see a guy. This one was special to me. When I was driving there I did ask myself if I was crazy. But, I hoped he would not see it as a booty call and we could talk and spend some time together. When he told me there were no other girls and he was not talking to anyone else, I really let my guard down. I already was having a difficult time keeping my hands off him. Then that morning he introduced me to his Mom, we held hands while she said grace over our meal. The last two long term relationships, my ex's would not pray with me. Holding his hand while she said a prayer and listening to her words this really sunk into my heart.
To have him come upstairs and tell me how he checked on the traffic for me. The way he would give me sweet little kisses, tap the end of my nose with his finger, wrap his arms around me, I thought this was an incredible man who wanted to be with me. Now, it is this waiting game to see if or when I will hear from him.
Why does this process have to be so hard for me? What have I done so wrong? I try really hard to be a good person. If love isn't going to work for me, then why do I have to want to be in a relationship so badly? I'm not willing to be with just anyone. I'm pretty selective on who I will go out with so for me to get up, text you, want you to call me, and drive to go see you...that is a big deal. Allowing myself to be intimate with him was a big deal to me, I don't ever do something in that manner. I can control myself and have for quite some time, I'm human, I have needs, but that doesn't mean I slut it up. It means I wait for the right person.
I'm just hoping this man who has me waiting is someone worth waiting for and hopefully I will hear from him soon.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 226...Happy Anniversary!
Today is my parent's wedding anniversary. They have been married for 53 years. Three years ago we had a big celebration with lot's of family and friends. My brother's favorite part was when he finally got to leave and start drinking beer and grilling. The after party was relaxing and fun, it was nice to just hang out with everyone.
Something my Mother taught me when I was a kid, a life lesson she probably didn't think twice about saying to me or with the intention of it being a lesson. My parents went through a rough patch, which all relationships do. At one point I was tired of them constantly fighting and said to my Mom how maybe she should just get a divorce. She made it clear that divorce was not an option. That all relationships go through difficult times, and she loved my Dad and they would work through it. She mentioned how you don't just up and walk away when things get tough, you work through it.
This is something I think is interesting that Phillip said to me, "You get up, and take it one day at a time" when we were discussing dealing with difficulties in a relationship.
My Mom really instilled in me something I have heard from others who have been successful at marriage. "You don't give up just because it gets hard, when you marry for the right reasons you work through it. The difference between a married couple and a divorced couple is, each have the same amount of fights, the married couple made a commitment and are willing to work through it".
I hope if/when the day comes I am blessed with someone who I will marry, he will have the same values. Be the man who will work through conflict, not just tuck tail and run from it.
Something my Mother taught me when I was a kid, a life lesson she probably didn't think twice about saying to me or with the intention of it being a lesson. My parents went through a rough patch, which all relationships do. At one point I was tired of them constantly fighting and said to my Mom how maybe she should just get a divorce. She made it clear that divorce was not an option. That all relationships go through difficult times, and she loved my Dad and they would work through it. She mentioned how you don't just up and walk away when things get tough, you work through it.
This is something I think is interesting that Phillip said to me, "You get up, and take it one day at a time" when we were discussing dealing with difficulties in a relationship.
My Mom really instilled in me something I have heard from others who have been successful at marriage. "You don't give up just because it gets hard, when you marry for the right reasons you work through it. The difference between a married couple and a divorced couple is, each have the same amount of fights, the married couple made a commitment and are willing to work through it".
I hope if/when the day comes I am blessed with someone who I will marry, he will have the same values. Be the man who will work through conflict, not just tuck tail and run from it.
Monday, August 17, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 227...Must Hate Dogs - Chapter 16
Late Night Run
I finally heard from Phillip aka Felipe. It was late on Sunday, I kept hoping all day I would hear from him so we could try to see one another. He called me and finally I voiced I wanted to see him, he said he would not stop me from coming to see him and would text me his address. Within minutes I had grabbed my gym bag and I was on the road. Driving there I had asked myself if I was crazy and if this would only be perceived as a booty call. If I had not felt guilty about keeping him up waiting on me, I would have turned around.
He met me outside and gave me the best hug. I gave him a kiss on the neck as I felt his strong arms tighten around me. I looked in his eyes and couldn't resist any longer and we kissed. We talked and he introduced me to his dog. He showed me his truck, his car and then took me inside. I got the tour before and he showed me this impressive display he did to honor his dad. It was his army jacket, dog tags, and other items that reflected love and pride in his father. We sat on the couch and talked, he told me what was and had been going on with his family. He also made a point to tell me there were no other girls. While we were tightly snuggled together, our time together finally lead ourselves to his room where we had a very passionate intimate moment. Falling asleep on his chest I listened to his heartbeat and it wasn't long before he was snoring. Phillip likes to sleep with it cold, air conditioner unit, and two fans, I was thankful he was so warm. I covered myself up completely with the blanket and snuggled into him.
We woke up around 6:30 am and he got up to make breakfast. I got ready for the day and he came and checked on me a couple of times. Then he took me downstairs and introduced me to his Mom. He is her primary caregiver and has been since his Dad passed away. The love he has for his Mom showed deeply in his actions.
After he made breakfast for his Mom he asked me how I like my eggs. He made me breakfast! When he handed me my plate, he leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss. In the living room him Mom asked me to come sit by her so I could sit by Phillip. After we ate she showed me pictures of him when he was a kid and in high school. She also told me about her late husband and shared family photos of them together with me. I have never in my life experienced a moment where the man I am dating/interested in had his Mother share with me pictures. It was something I cherished and hoped there would be more of in the future with this woman and her son.
I finally got ready for work and he walked me out to my vehicle. He gave me a couple of sweet kisses and we said good bye. While I was putting my seat belt on, getting the key in the ignition, I noticed out of the corner of my eye he would peak back at me while he walked to the house. Finally we caught one another's eye and we waved to each other. I pulled away hoping sleeping with someone this quickly with such an interest in them was not a mistake.
There is definitely something incredible about this man. I have never wanted to meet someone so much I would leave at a whim and drive an hour in the dark to go to them. Hopefully, he is sincere with his kindness and words and really means it when he says he wants to see where things go.
Now...to wait until I hear from him...
I finally heard from Phillip aka Felipe. It was late on Sunday, I kept hoping all day I would hear from him so we could try to see one another. He called me and finally I voiced I wanted to see him, he said he would not stop me from coming to see him and would text me his address. Within minutes I had grabbed my gym bag and I was on the road. Driving there I had asked myself if I was crazy and if this would only be perceived as a booty call. If I had not felt guilty about keeping him up waiting on me, I would have turned around.
He met me outside and gave me the best hug. I gave him a kiss on the neck as I felt his strong arms tighten around me. I looked in his eyes and couldn't resist any longer and we kissed. We talked and he introduced me to his dog. He showed me his truck, his car and then took me inside. I got the tour before and he showed me this impressive display he did to honor his dad. It was his army jacket, dog tags, and other items that reflected love and pride in his father. We sat on the couch and talked, he told me what was and had been going on with his family. He also made a point to tell me there were no other girls. While we were tightly snuggled together, our time together finally lead ourselves to his room where we had a very passionate intimate moment. Falling asleep on his chest I listened to his heartbeat and it wasn't long before he was snoring. Phillip likes to sleep with it cold, air conditioner unit, and two fans, I was thankful he was so warm. I covered myself up completely with the blanket and snuggled into him.
We woke up around 6:30 am and he got up to make breakfast. I got ready for the day and he came and checked on me a couple of times. Then he took me downstairs and introduced me to his Mom. He is her primary caregiver and has been since his Dad passed away. The love he has for his Mom showed deeply in his actions.
After he made breakfast for his Mom he asked me how I like my eggs. He made me breakfast! When he handed me my plate, he leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss. In the living room him Mom asked me to come sit by her so I could sit by Phillip. After we ate she showed me pictures of him when he was a kid and in high school. She also told me about her late husband and shared family photos of them together with me. I have never in my life experienced a moment where the man I am dating/interested in had his Mother share with me pictures. It was something I cherished and hoped there would be more of in the future with this woman and her son.
I finally got ready for work and he walked me out to my vehicle. He gave me a couple of sweet kisses and we said good bye. While I was putting my seat belt on, getting the key in the ignition, I noticed out of the corner of my eye he would peak back at me while he walked to the house. Finally we caught one another's eye and we waved to each other. I pulled away hoping sleeping with someone this quickly with such an interest in them was not a mistake.
There is definitely something incredible about this man. I have never wanted to meet someone so much I would leave at a whim and drive an hour in the dark to go to them. Hopefully, he is sincere with his kindness and words and really means it when he says he wants to see where things go.
Now...to wait until I hear from him...
Pic he sent me on my way over to let me know his hair was longer
Below are his profile pics & profile listing:
Sunday, August 16, 2015
LaCresha's Lens Focuses On...page 226...Arabian Horse Show
This past weekend was the Mid-South Arabian Horse Show. It was their 36th annual show and I was intrigued as they had intertwined the Dressage discipline in with their regular horse show. This weekend was a much needed distraction as my date decided to let me know 30 minutes before we were going to meet, he was not going. I made myself put the phone away and concentrate on driving. I also kept myself focused on the photos and tracking someone down to interview.
Unfortunately, the secondary person I needed to speak to was not available, so I ended up going back on Sunday. Where I did not need to put the extra gas into a trip I did not want to make, but I wanted to try and get enough material for a solid story.
It was fun to be around these beautiful and elegant horses. This weekend was a much smaller show than I anticipated, but I found out it was a show where they needed to rebuild their attendance. This is a scary place to be for an organization, but they are positive in their decisions and the road ahead.
This horse and rider had one of the most flawless rides I have ever encountered. It was beautiful to watch and experience.
After the show I headed over to Westlight Studio to visit with my photography and dear friend, Michael Gomez. I have not been to the studio in a while and it was nice to see Michael. It also gave me a chance to thank him for mentoring me and share with him my current experience with the regional equestrian magazine. This brought on a conversation of encouragement and suggestions on how to pursue horse photography. A new direction for my career as a photographer? Possibly...time will tell.
Unfortunately, the secondary person I needed to speak to was not available, so I ended up going back on Sunday. Where I did not need to put the extra gas into a trip I did not want to make, but I wanted to try and get enough material for a solid story.
It was fun to be around these beautiful and elegant horses. This weekend was a much smaller show than I anticipated, but I found out it was a show where they needed to rebuild their attendance. This is a scary place to be for an organization, but they are positive in their decisions and the road ahead.
After the show I headed over to Westlight Studio to visit with my photography and dear friend, Michael Gomez. I have not been to the studio in a while and it was nice to see Michael. It also gave me a chance to thank him for mentoring me and share with him my current experience with the regional equestrian magazine. This brought on a conversation of encouragement and suggestions on how to pursue horse photography. A new direction for my career as a photographer? Possibly...time will tell.
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