In a Bad Place
I am feeling myself emotionally downward spiral. While one could point to it being "over a guy" it is so much more than that right now. I am crumbling, I am so deeply sad. Yesterday I began to realize maybe I just need to start looking at renting a place on my own, possibly a house. In the process I realized maybe buying a house would be a better option. Something with a yard so I can have my chickens. The friend who is allowing me to keep them in her backyard right now continues to speak of getting a divorce and having to sell her house. If that is the case, I won't have a place for them here and they will need to be moved. At this point and time, I would have to relocate them to Wisconsin as I don't have a place for them here. That would make me so deeply sad as I have already gave up my dog years ago, which worked out well because my Dad was in a position of needing a dog. Not necessarily "wanting" a dog, but the timing worked out well for Jojo and my Dad.
Looking at homes to buy a massive sense of loneliness. This is not what I want. I hope this isn't the life that I want for myself. I don't want to own a home alone, be responsible for the bills and other things by myself. Looking at the walls and open spaces in the houses I was looking at just gave me a sense of sadness. It wasn't a happy feeling. Yet, I don't have it in me to keep looking for a man to be in my life. I'm so sad and hurt right now.
Sure, I can go buy a home, adopt a child, but that is not the life I want for myself. I want it to be shared with someone. A loving man who wants to be there with me to share the responsibilities and road of life in that part of my journey. I experienced a new level of empty when I looked at the walls and open rooms of the houses listed for sale. I can fill that household up with as many kids as possible, but if that is the direction I take, I need to make certain it is for the right reasons.
I haven't heard from Phillip, which kills me inside. He is hung up on this kid which is not his. I know he wants it to be his kid, but it isn't, I feel it is only fair to this young boy of 7 years of age to know who his real father is in life, not just someone filling the role. How messed up is that mother to allow her child to call the wrong man "Daddy". It is sick, twisted and fully selfish of her to allow the wrong man, just because he is willing to fill that role. It is also selfish of Phillip to procrastinate the DNA test. I believe he is afraid of the truth, he doesn't want the truth.
Now...I'm the one alone. Again. Now, I'm trying to figure out why I can have an amazing man stand before me, say to me, "I have feelings for you, but I need to work on me now". He sent me a text Sunday night telling me that his Mom loved the flowers, that he just wanted to let me know. I waited until today to respond to him. I didn't want to come across as needy, pushy or crazy. Mostly, I wanted my delayed response to say to him, "you asked for time, space and respect, this is my way of displaying that to you".
Never in my life have I ever connected to someone at such a level in which I connected with him. The physical attraction was incredible, his intelligence and conversation was intoxicating, he could make me laugh, he was sweet, gentle, kind, considerate and someone who I could absolutely see sharing my life with...
My friend Nicki, Theresa, and Winter all say I should keep the faith, don't stop living my life, but give it some time to see what happens. Be a friend, give him space. Yet, the fact that he wants to return to New York so badly, concerns me for any hope for a relationship with him. While I am not holding out on him as I want to be realistic, my heart is hurting. It is so hard for me to keep the faith right now. I'd love nothing more than to hear from him...to be a friend to him, to hear him say he is staying in Tennessee verses leaving for New York and have the opportunity to fall in love with him.
Until then...I'm just trying to get through the day. The swelling in my face has finally gone down, even though tears continue to fall even though I fight it to keep myself from crying. I keep trying to believe God is at work here. I'm not sure what He is trying to accomplish through me, for me or through Phillip, but hopefully this pain will pass and maybe even answers emerge?
I find it interesting that his Mother said to me how there are things we want, but it is all in God's timing. Something which I reflect upon often wondering if that was God speaking to me through her? Was it God speaking through Nicki when she told me to "keep the faith, look at what Brian and I went through and look at us now"... I don't know, Winter thinks I should hang on, Theresa gave me her testimony of how her and her husband's relationship went about when they were dating ten years ago. These women would not lead me astray, they just wouldn't because they give it to me straight. They don't bs me, and they would not want me to even think in that direction of potential if they suspected it was something which would ONLY result in hurt.
I just pray, I prayed last night while hanging out with Bristol and crying while sitting on the tailgate of my truck. Last night I returned to the park where I once would sleep where I had no where else to go. Sometimes it has been hard to be at this park when it is so beautiful and peaceful there. I took Bristol there last night to give her exercise and just talk to God. I don't know what else to when I feel so lost and hurt.
If you are reading this, I can only hope that maybe you would be so kind to take a moment and pray for me. Help me be free of this hurt, this sadness and find answers to heal my broken heart and spirit.
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