My nails continue to get longer and longer on my left hand. Where that may not mean anything to the average person, anyone who plays a string instrument knows what that means, I have not been playing or practicing. Where I am in the middle of sorting out so much in my life, I wonder when things will settle down, the chaos will be calm. It doesn't seem like that time in my life is here yet. I want to desperately be able to play my instruments like I once did before when I was practicing three hours a week. It was awesome, and at times challenging, but it brought me joy. Watching the tips of my nails emerge is a daily reminder that music has been dropped from my life.
As I reflect over my goals of having my own business, pursing writing, a lot of those things which bring me joy have been set on the back burner. I am trying to drudge up the energy to just get through the day and sort through life as I am still struggling to get everything on track. If I think about it too much it really makes me mad that I am still battling. A lot of it is the result of the decisions I made last year which are very disheartening to me. I truly thought something big and grand would come from all I was trying to make happen. Yet, it could not be anymore clear that all I was after is not meant to be. Which leaves me sitting here wondering...was it just the charity event that was not meant to be, or also the photography?
Will my writing ever amount to anything or will that also be a pipe dream? I am hoping I won't have to continue to sit here and watch my dreams, and hopes go up in smoke. Yet, I am exhausted, discouraged, beaten down and clawing my way to just get any hope to being ahead. I love photography, I love how much I have learned about it. I love that I have learned so much about it that I can, with ease, make quick adjustments to my camera. Yet, I am no where near being full time in that field. It leaves me wondering if I should give up, re-vamp the business plan, continue to push onward? I don't have an answer and sometimes I am afraid to ask the question to get it.
I know this life is not meant to be easy, but at times I wonder...does it have to be so hard, all the time?
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