A change in priorities
Today I woke up in a camping situation. My life is turned upside down. It has me deeply wondering what the hell I
have been doing so wrong that I cannot seem to get ahead. It is extremely frustrating. While I have made peace with leaving
Nashville, it will be a solid year before that move even begins to happen.
Eventually I found my way to coffee and then something for breakfast. While I wanted to sit down at Panera and get to work, I didn’t know if they would like me bringing in a beverage from another place into their venue. This lead me to finding a park where I ate and listened to the radio. While sitting in this park I was watching the traffic on Charlotte Avenue. Charlotte is one of the main roadways in Nashville. It will take you out of Nashville and it will drop you right into downtown. It is a very busy section of roadway in this area. Watching the cars and listening to the noise added weight to me making the right decision to leave. Once I had finished my breakfast I contemplated what to do next. While I am trying to conserve what I use for gas in my truck, I have not been out to Scottsboro or Ashland City much lately. However, I am tired of this strict budget use and after I started up my truck I pointed her in the direction of the country side. Driving around this time of year in Tennessee there isn’t much “pretty” to look at, a lot of it is drab. Yet, the hills, trees, country homes and roads brought me a little freedom from the stress. While I knew a lot of work was piling up that needed to get done today, I kept driving. Eventually I found myself next to the Cumberland River where the old ferry once was on the river. With the rain and snow the river is quite high, and unfortunately I can hear the rumble of I-40 in the distance. Yet, it is the best I can do for now and I will take it.
Eventually I found my way to coffee and then something for breakfast. While I wanted to sit down at Panera and get to work, I didn’t know if they would like me bringing in a beverage from another place into their venue. This lead me to finding a park where I ate and listened to the radio. While sitting in this park I was watching the traffic on Charlotte Avenue. Charlotte is one of the main roadways in Nashville. It will take you out of Nashville and it will drop you right into downtown. It is a very busy section of roadway in this area. Watching the cars and listening to the noise added weight to me making the right decision to leave. Once I had finished my breakfast I contemplated what to do next. While I am trying to conserve what I use for gas in my truck, I have not been out to Scottsboro or Ashland City much lately. However, I am tired of this strict budget use and after I started up my truck I pointed her in the direction of the country side. Driving around this time of year in Tennessee there isn’t much “pretty” to look at, a lot of it is drab. Yet, the hills, trees, country homes and roads brought me a little freedom from the stress. While I knew a lot of work was piling up that needed to get done today, I kept driving. Eventually I found myself next to the Cumberland River where the old ferry once was on the river. With the rain and snow the river is quite high, and unfortunately I can hear the rumble of I-40 in the distance. Yet, it is the best I can do for now and I will take it.
On the drive out there I was listening to public radio on
90.3FM. It has been a very long time
since I have been able to listen to this station. It brought me too much pain to be able to
listen to my favorite radio shows. Once
upon a time I spent my Sundays the best way possible, at least to me. This was not every Sunday, often Sunday is
left for caving, hiking, sleeping in, but my favorite way to spend a Sunday
morning is sleeping in a little bit.
Once out of bed, head outside to feed my chickens their breakfast. Once back in the house I enjoy making a nice
big breakfast. Maybe a breakfast
consisting of eggs with bacon, homemade biscuits, or waffles with fruit,
powdered sugar, chocolate chips, with butter
and maple syrup. While I cook the radio plays in the background with the fun
NPR radio shows that I enjoy. Then once
left over waffle, biscuit or toast pieces have been tossed to the chickens,
pick out a movie and lounge on the couch.
Snuggle up with a blanket or someone you love and enjoy a relaxing
Sunday.
It has been longer than I can even remember when I had a
Sunday like that, but I have come to realize that is the way I want to spend my
life. This constant rat race is not for
me. I have encountered it before and it
wasn’t for me then. There is so much I
have taken off my plate and instead of being unhappy about the decision, I
found joy. The process to sit down and
figure out what needed to be eliminated was not easy, but I am glad for the
direction I went with the decision made.
I continue to take things off my plate.
The biggest thing right now for me is this charity event. While part of me is regretting re-scheduling
it, another part of me wants it to be the best it can be and get it done so it
can be off my plate. I do not know at this point and time if I will do a second
event. Right now, that answer is leaning
heavily on “no”. But, I don’t want to
make that decision until after the event is over and I have taken some time to
decompress from everything.
Today was not exactly how I would like to spend my Sunday. Yet, it was really nice to finally have peace in my life to where I can listen to NPR again. I have missed those shows and hoped deep inside there would be a day enough time had passed to heal my heart to where I could listen to them again.
Today was not exactly how I would like to spend my Sunday. Yet, it was really nice to finally have peace in my life to where I can listen to NPR again. I have missed those shows and hoped deep inside there would be a day enough time had passed to heal my heart to where I could listen to them again.
Life is still far from where I want it to be. However, over the course of the past three
months and especially the past two weeks I have really been taking advantage of
re-evaluating my life. I realize how
much I love the quiet and solitude of the country. While I have known I am not a big city party
girl, I enjoy it from time to time. I
would be willing to give up some things to trade in to have a home in the
country, a garden, time to cook and bake again.
This doesn’t mean I have to give up my career goals, which part of me
had some fear that going after what I want would mean eliminating what I have
been working towards. It broke my heart
to think I would have to walk away from photography as a profession. It just means I need to reconsider a few
things. I still don’t know how I am
going to travel with my photography and writing, God will show me the way. It stated on Joel Osteen’s Facebook page this
morning, “God has put seeds of greatness on the inside. Break out of your box. Ask God for the secret
petitions He’s placed on the inside of you.
If you can accomplish it on your own, then it’s not a God-sized
dream. Enlarge your vision.”
If that is the case, I definitely have a God-sized dream, as what I am trying to do and accomplish can most certainly not be done on my own. At times it is quite scary. The song “Fly” which has recently come out on the radio has very good timing for me. It speaks to my heart and soul and often brings me to tears as I am on the verge of giving up, yet I don’t want to. I want to know I can make what my heart desires into a reality.
If that is the case, I definitely have a God-sized dream, as what I am trying to do and accomplish can most certainly not be done on my own. At times it is quite scary. The song “Fly” which has recently come out on the radio has very good timing for me. It speaks to my heart and soul and often brings me to tears as I am on the verge of giving up, yet I don’t want to. I want to know I can make what my heart desires into a reality.
It has been a tough road.
I keep hoping it will get better.
I keep hoping I get to hear from Chad and see him soon. I keep hoping that if I keep trying I can
have it all, a successful business, my writing published and a good man who
loves me in my life with a nice home to enjoy.
Until then…I continue to push onward even though I am tired,
flat out exhausted, there is a touch of fight left in me. Let’s hope it is enough.
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