How much struggle is enough? How much should a person endure until they call it quits and give up? Is there a limit that a person should put on chasing dreams?
This is my debate and struggle...I feel I am reaching my limit, yet the idea of giving up hurts deep in my heart.
It was difficult enough to face the day when I had to realize that I needed to stop training horses. It was something which took me a long time to make such a decision. I loved training horses and thankfully I am proud to say I was good at it. When I had my own training program going I had a two year waiting list with 9 to 12 horses in the program a month. What a blessing to be able to grow up and live my dream of riding and training horses. Over a duration of time I had to accept if I continued to ride and train I was going to get quite beat up. I wanted to avoid a serious injury which could lead to surgery. A horse trainer does not get to ride the well trained, well behaved horses. We get the horses who need adjustments, assistance, training to know how to perform, ride and behave. During this time there is bucking, rearing, kicking, pulling, tumbles and falls. However, with patience and consistency you can turn that animal into a respectable equine who can ride off safely and peacefully.
I loved it. Maybe not every minute of it...ok, every minute of it. I miss it, some days I miss it a little bit and other days I miss it a lot. However, I did not want to live my life in braces with back and joint pain. Although, I do have my share of injuries from riding and I do live in discomfort most days. One would never know as I have learned to accept and cope with this pain. When it gets bad I try to stretch and do physical therapy exercises.
Now I am facing a year into really putting a lot of effort, time, energy, emotion, and money into my business. If I were a bar, I would have to close my doors. I don't know what to do, I have only had two sessions booked. A very far draw from the 50 sessions I want to get booked this year. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained, I don't know how much more I can give...and that brings me the deepest sadness.
I've been stepping back trying to figure out what it is I want in my life. Everything is mixed up and my emotions are all over the place. I don't know what to do.
Artists struggle, it is part of our journey. We give and give to our art because it fulfills us and we believe in it. Along with my artistic side there is also a side of me which wants to pay the bills, have good credit, buy a home and live a peaceful life. The two sides struggle trying to find peace with one another as they each find their balance.
What struggles are you enduring? Have you found a path to bring you peace to your solution? What ever your struggle may be, I hope the journey you are on brings you joy.
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