While I have been re-evaluating life, where it is leading me, longing for the country it has brought a lot of tension, confusion and emotion.
A couple days ago I texted a dear friend, Amy Jo. I met this woman in college and we instantly clicked and became very intense and dear friends. We get each other. At so many levels when someone else would think we would be talking nutty or crazy, we can honestly look one another in the eye and say, "Yeah, I get it".
Tonight I heard back from her and she informed me she is on a spiritual journey. Immediately I was intrigued and asked her to educate me. She went on saying how she went to a shamans aura reading class, it turned out she is a 'healer' in training, aka a young shaman. This suits her and I was not surprised by her sharing this with me.
Right away she spoke about my tension. Something my brother touched on the last time I talked to him. He commented how he felt I was "all wound up". My brother, who usually is, was once again right. I've been suppressing my tension and stress the best I can as I face life and the challenges it is throwing at me. Trying to make the best of it with an underlying hope things will turn around and get better. I'm starting to break out which is classic for me regarding signs of stress.
She further continued saying she can see me "in a field with tall grass at sunset". If I go there I will get some answers, especially pertaining to my photography. Then she followed with, "when the tears come, let them flow".
For at least two months now I have been wanting to go out to my favorite park. I keep holding myself back, a lot of it due to my truck not being in peak condition. Yet, there have been several times I have headed down Briley to only turn around. My spirit, my soul calls and yearns for the country, the peace, the quiet, the serenity. I continue to hope my business and writing will get me to where I want to be. I don't know how else to get there. How wonderful would it be to wake up and look out the window to see beautiful country side? For quite some time I have wanted to be able to step outside into the yard and walk to my chickens hen house and coop. To play my fiddle outside again, to garden, to have a loft or comfortable place to write, create, get lost in day dreams.
Every day I keep telling myself it is going to get better. The words of "another day closer" pass through me frequently. The hope is not gone yet, however, the sadness of it all feeling like it is so far away and the wonder if it will ever happen creeps in and lingers. I know it is what I want, and I am willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
Now to get out to that piece of land around sunset, wander, contemplate and wait to see what happens and what comes from it all.
Until then, I enjoy my new guilty pleasure a tv show called "Heartland". A show about a working horse training ranch with a young teenager who is the lead trainer on the property.
I also find myself thinking a lot about Chad...and how I have not heard from him in a week. My friend Amber says to be patient, that this guy could be something special for me. Then just as I'm dealing with doubt this morning, a song by Hank Jr comes on the radio. As I'm listenting to the song, one I listened to a bunch growing up on the farm, I'm comparing how Hank is a Jr and Chad is a Jr, just like my Dad. Then a line in he song I had never paid any attention to before grabs my attention, it listed the state "West Virginia". At work Amber was texting me telling me to "chill out" and how things will be fine when our lunch we ordered showed up at work. The person who brought in the food handed me the drink container, which happened to be an empty six pack container for Budweiser. That is the beer Chad drinks.
Coincidence?
I was taught while in Memphis there is no such thing as a coincidence, but God at work. As it was handed to me I stopped in my tracks and took a few seconds to look at it. I was surprised by the well known red color along with the Budweiser logo. I was further surprised by the irony of it all.
While things would be easier if I would hear from him, but I guess there is a lesson in all of this some how.
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