A few years ago while I lived in Memphis, TN, I had the most amazing mentor, friend and supervisor. Her name is Sue, and I don't think it will ever be possible for me to thank her for all she did for me while I was under her wing.
I never felt like I deserved good things. I would tuck nice things away to wear for some special occasion, but that occasion never came along. One day I was wearing what at the time was my absolute favorite pair of dress shoes. They were brown, had the perfect square heel, incredibly comfortable, perfect height (not too high, not too short) and laced up. Oh how I love them! I loved them so much I was afraid to wear them because I didn't deserve to wear something so nice. By the time I began to wear them they had wore themselves out. The leather was cracking, the laces were getting dry and they were no longer attractive.
One day I was wearing these shoes and Sue, who has the perfect level of class mixed with bold said, "why are you wearing those shoes?"
"because I love them."
"They are worn out. Don't you know you deserve good things?"
This lead to a heavy hearted conversation as she was pushing me out of a comfort zone. I did not feel I was worthy to wear these shoes while they were in good condition, and now I was wearing them before they were too far gone. Sue gave me a challenge that I struggled with a lot. I was told to go to Victoria Secret and by myself a nice bra. WHAT THE HELL!? Seriously...these bras are expensive and beautiful. My insecure, lack of confidence, "I'm not worthy" self was having an internal melt down. But, I knew Sue would be relentless and if I did not follow through there would be some sort of life lesson that would be tied into a consequence. Not wanting to let her down, I gathered myself up and went to the mall. It was hard to allow myself to have something so pretty that was so expensive. This was the nicest bra I owned, it was also the most comfortable. It helped to give me some reassurance it IS ok to buy nice things for myself.
What have you done for yourself lately? I hear Mom's ALL the time speak how they won't spend money on themselves, or they would rather buy it for their children. With love in my heart I say to you, 'your children have enough, they have your love and probably a closet and a dresser FILLED with more than what they need. Reward yourself. Give to yourself. Don't be a continuous strain on your own emotions. Then when you do buy something for yourself, free yourself of all that guilt!'
I still occasionally struggle, but I am so much better than I was many years ago. I took that life lesson to heart and when shoes are worn out, they get tossed. I wear nice shoes and clothes because I like how they look, I like how I feel, and it is OK for me to feel good about myself.
Now...go and do something nice for YOU! You, your family, friends and loved ones will appreciate seeing you doing something for you for a change.
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