While volunteering with the Music City Youth Orchestra on Saturday the director had her grandson there. He was looking very adorable at 3 months old in the cutest and smallest little button up shirt I have ever seen for a baby.
Sunday my co-worker brought in her adorable baby. He is only seven months old and I was elated to see him. I am very glad as I have gotten older I have gained appreciation for babies and children. I believe they are a great gift and not everyone if fortunate to have them in their lives.
As my co-worker held this beautiful baby boy I reached up and he held onto my finger so tight. It was adorable. Before my co-worker left she let me hold him, and I was elated. I was even happier to see he gave me a big smile that said he accepted me and would let me hold him.
While spending time with these amazing and precious children it made me think of my very dear and best friend Kara who is about to have her first baby. It makes me very sad I have not been a part of her pregnancy and I don't know if I will be able to get to Wisconsin for when this little baby girl is born. I have already been requested to be present for her 1st birthday. This is something which needs to be a priority and I have over a year to make that happen.
As I think of these beautiful babies and the people who are blessed to have them it makes me analyze my life. I'm getting older and the option of children is quickly dissipating away. For the longest time I never wanted kids. Then the holidays come and I think of how wonderful it would be to share that special time of year with children. There are the moments when I so something which was taught or passed down to me that I would like to share with a child.
Yet, at this time in my life, I don't see it being in the cards. I try to make peace with it and remind myself it just may not be a part of the "big plan". No man in my life, and no indication there ever will be. It makes me wonder if I will be that professional business woman who lives her life alone. No husband to care for and no children to pass along information and life experiences.
If you are fortunate to have a child or children in your life, give thanks for them. Be grateful for the gift. I am certain as a parent you are exhausted, worn out, and haven't had a full nights sleep in years. Yet, family is the most important thing in the world. Nothing else matters, not Facebook, cell phones, it is about the life experiences and family time which is shared.
While I will continue to put on a brave face when around friends who are blessed with children. I cannot help but wonder why I am left out in the cold. What is my life lesson that I am made to wait to know if I will ever have a husband or a family of my own.
Until that passing day, whether in five years, ten years or on my death bed when I finally know whether or not it was in the cards, I try to make the best of my days and my life. I will always smile and maybe even depending on the moment in my life state I don't need or want kids. But, the reality is I have to continue to push and move forward, the time still ticks by if all I did was sit around and wonder. Part of me is like anyone else and wants what you want as well...that fancy America dream. Except mine doesn't have picket fences, but it does have a chicken coop, land with a country home and a career.
Maybe one day it will all come together and the entire package will be my life, instead of a desire in my heart.
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