I have been thrown for a loop. For several years now there has been a piece of property 10 minutes from Nashville that I have been dreaming of owning. With the property overpriced it has sat on the market for quiet some time. This had been my hope if I worked hard enough and got my business and writing underway, there could be potential for me to be able to buy this land.
Recently, discovering this property has been split and sold to two different new owners my heart has sank. Now I have a residing confusion. For years I have been thinking Nashville would be my home along with my parents farm in Wisconsin. Now I don't know. Where am I meant to be? The struggle that I am facing is it pushing me to build me up or break me down? Is God trying to tell me it is time for a change? As I drive the streets of Nashville and look out I cannot seem myself leaving just yet. I am feeling unsettled and honestly, sad.
For the first time in quite some time I am not joyously happy. Don't get me wrong, I have joy in my life and I am a happy person. But, I am not happy with where I am currently residing. I have a dumpy space, I don't even like to qualify it as an apartment. While the search for a better paying job is in progress, the underlying stress is increasing.
Change is hard and I have endured a lot of change in my life. There are many reasons I have stayed in Nashville. Once I got to Nashville I was pretty tired of moving. My life has been in transition more often than I would prefer. But, it has given me a great variety of my life experiences. Another reason why I have stayed here is how quaint this "big" city is and how it is a big melting pot. It is not always easy to find a true "Nashvillian". I am fortunate enough to have been able to meet and make good friends with many people who are locals. But, the biggest draw to this city for me has been the fact that within minutes you can be in the country. My heart has longed for the country since I left little Rice Lake, WI for my four year college in River Falls, WI. I would go out to lab farm one and sit on the fence and watch the school horses, just to get a touch of something familiar. Living in an apartment is not something I find ideal. Driving down city streets with endless rows of houses and cars has become something in which I have adapted to, but it is not my preference.
When I lived out in Scottsboro, TN, I was in heaven. It was still too close to heavy traffic as I lived right off Ashland City Hwy, however, I found my zen. Scottsboro is between Nashville and Ashland City, a very small community which is full of love, life and good people.
I would wake in the morning and be grateful for my country home. My chickens would wait for me to let them out and feed them. The garden took to my tending as I would plant, water and weed it and watch the harvest come and go. Surrounded by 200 acres which had fields, woods and across the road the Cumberland River. It was not uncommon to watch the hawks swirl and dive in the field next to the house
I loved it because I could be in the country. Something which I have longed to be back to since that day I left. I was able to be close to a large city so I could maintain a decent paying job. My goal with my photography and writing is to be able to support myself, and live where ever I want and travel whenever I want. For quite some time I have pictured this property which I have had my heart set on and visualized endlessly a house, a place for my chickens along with a garage and my photography studio. Now it is gone and I don't know what to do or think. Granted it could always come back up for sale. Maybe there is a better piece of property waiting for me. Maybe I'm not meant to own property here at all?
A dear friend and his wife have been discussing retiring in North Carolina. For quite some time that seemed years off. Now, that plan for them is in motion and in approximately three years they plan on being gone. Another friend wants to return to California. These individuals have been my base and I know as I will wish them well and all the best, my heart will be sad when they leave.
I cannot help but wonder if maybe I am meant to head back to Wisconsin. But, beyond the farm which I love so much, there is no career there for me. If I had my plans more in motion I would at least be able to travel more frequently and get home more often. I have met a lot of people who have two places of residence. Especially here in Nashville, a lot of musicians make Nashville their second home and I can completely understand why. Beyond they need to be here for the music, it is an easy place for them to love due to such a great and warm community.
While I feel now I have no idea where I am meant to be or what I am meant to do. I love photography and getting that business up and running is no easy task. I know if I quit and walked away once again I will find myself in a heap and in tears. As I would like to be able to sit back and not worry about it, I cannot help but wonder where life is trying to lead me. What is God trying to communicate to me? I wish I had better guidance on whether or not I am on the right track and where things are going to go.
Until I have further insight, I will continue to push onward. Hopefully a sign will come forward to help me see I am on the right track.
No comments:
Post a Comment