There is a piece of property just outside of Nashville which I have had my eye on for several years now. It is out in the country near the Cumberland River. It is where I thought I would one day build my house, have my chickens and photography studio in the backyard. There is a photo of this property is on my vision board with me holding a "for sale" sign.
Less than a month ago I noticed something, the for sale sign was gone. There was a bulldozer which was making tracks and my heart sank.
Friday I found out that yes, the property has sold. It was divided up and there are two owners.
Considering for quite some time I have pictured myself living on this property I feel this loss and confusion within me. I am perplexed by if I will ever own this property, if it was just not meant to be and what am I suppose to do? Maybe I am not meant to be in Nashville. I am always open to change. However, after so many years of moving, being in this one spot, I have worked to create my community and my home here. While visualizing my business I have pictured living in two different places in the country. Here and Wisconsin. But, now that this "dream" property of mine has sold, maybe "here" isn't where I am suppose to be? Driving around town after work today I felt an internal struggle. No, I am not a city girl. Yes, I long to be back in the country. Yet, I have a hard time with not being here, if I am not here, I have this pull to be here. Is that because it has become comfortable? Is it because I do like it here so much?
A dear friend is getting ready to prepare property in North Carolina so he and his wife can pack up and relocate. This is going to be very difficult for me to deal with when it happens. They have been a place of solitude, comfort and family for me here. Yet, they are in a place in their lives where they are ready to retire and live their life in the country and on their beach house.
I am experiencing this lost feeling inside me. I realize I don't have to figure things out right now. Yet, I have been planning for quite some time of having a house and my studio here. Having my business here with staff to help me run it. Traveling with my photography and writing. Now I sit here perplexed, what is the plan? Where am I meant to be? Even though this is nothing for me to figure out right now, and there could always be a way for that property to go up for sale again, I am bombarded with confusion. I thought I had it all figured out. Now I am not so sure.
While there is a bigger plan in the works for me. While I know God is at the wheel of my life and I am trying to trust Him as he guides me, I'm suddenly feeling unsettled and uncertain.
I have taken on a lot in this journey of my life. I am definitely running a little scared wondering if I have taken on too much. With hesitation, but knowing it was for the best, I dropped the photography workshops I have been trying to coordinate and instruct. It had to come off the plate as I felt it was dragging me down and my business was suffering.
Now I am facing this charity event and I am wondering what have I taken upon myself? This is a huge endeavor and as I want to believe I can handle it...the level of risk in which I am taking is extremely great. Yet, the wheels are in motion and it is sink or swim time. I do not want to fail. Hopefully I will be able to pull this off and once it is over, decide it if is worth while to try again.
Have you ever had something throw you? Ever have a plan in which you could see things working out in your favor and then suddenly, a wrench was tossed into the mix. Leading you to uncertainty of what is meant to be. Making you wonder what direction is your life is suppose to go? Did you have it all wrong?
While I ponder all these things all I know to do is push onward and pray. Hopefully an answer will come to me while I figure it out. I know God is showing me the way to the life He has in mind for me. I know it will be great, but for now, I am tossed for a loop of thoughts and questions of where I am going and where I am meant to be.
These are all things I do not need to figure out right now. Yet, some direction and guidance of where I am suppose to be and where I am suppose to go would be greatly appreciated right now. While I had a plan, dealing with my current situation made it tolerable. Now, wondering if this property was never meant to be for me has me unsettled and stressed.
I cannot help but wonder if this property being sold to someone else is an indication I am not meant to be here in Nashville. I love it here. I have friends who are like family here. It is a place where I have been the longest since I left little Rice Lake, Wisconsin for college. Of course, that does not mean I was meant to be here forever. But, now I don't know what anything means.
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