It is what I keep saying over and over. Part of me is numb, I still have no appetite, I'm trying to make myself eat now. I weighed myself at the gym yesterday and discovered I lost five pounds. So, at least there is a benefit to this process of being sad and emotionally torn. I at least feel a lot better than I did last week. Last week was rough for me. Then to have him contact me and lie to me endlessly was ridiculous.
At least I am moving forward.
Yet, the past couple days I have found myself going to pray and not knowing what to even pray for anymore. I know what I want, I don't know how I will ever get there. With my truck heading back into the shop, wanting to get back home for Christmas, figuring out this change in my career, just wanting to share my life with someone. It has been nice to get up in the morning and go straight out to my chickens. That has been quite wonderful, and it has allowed me to go out at night and see them before it gets dark and they go inside.
It all comes down to, what do I pray for? The past two big things that have come across in my life over the past few months I obviously heard God wrong about them. I am a little concerned about taking a chance on someone new, but I also don't want to be lied to anymore. There was one guy I found on POF, but he hasn't responded to me...and I have a feeling I am more interested in him, than he is in me. Sucks. Story of my freaking life. I am talking to a couple of guys who are nice and I am just trying to enjoy their conversation. I just wish things would work out and be easier. Find that person who wants me the way I want them...be together...live our lives and enjoy one another as we take on life together.
I don't know...it is possible that it is not in the cards for me at all?
I try to take my focus elsewhere, fitness, writing, what kind of house I would have built if I could, where I want to live, if I will move and when. I try to just move my thoughts forward as though I will be alone, because part of me wants to be realistic and avoid the pain of being hurt again. As I do try to be realistic with a positive take on life, I just don't know right now. I'm sure this will pass and time will tell what will be. Over and over and over again I ask myself, when will I get there and why does this have to be so hard?
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