The fourth of July was once one of my most favorite holidays. The family tradition of putting up a new flag, going to see the fireworks in Cumberland, WI. Now, my family is home, they have stayed over from my cousin's wedding last Saturday. I'm sure my brother will be grilling, beer will be consumed and it will be a fun weekend spent how it should be, with family while honoring our country, its freedom and our service men and women.
Unfortunately, I am not into holidays anymore. I have not been home in three years and I am absolutely sick about it. I don't enjoy this holiday as I want to be home. But, due to my personal situation over the past two and half to three years, I don't have the finances to make the trip.
While picking up some items today I walked around with a heavy heart and a heavy cloud above me. How can I be happy and fairly content and yet so sad. I'm grateful for my roommate who is truly an incredible person. I am grateful for my new job and the potential it brings me. Yet, I am missing my family, my friends and someone who is dear to my heart. All are busy at this time of year with their activities, their families, and I am out in left field. When I try to call them they will chat for a bit, but be rushed to go.
I've been invited to a birthday party tomorrow where my roommate's Mom will be grilling and celebrating. I don't have the heart to join them. Where the invite is generous and kind, it isn't my family. Over the years since I have moved to the south I have been graciously and kindly invited into the homes of my friends to celebrate holidays and special events with them. I have gone and enjoyed myself and I have been thankful to have a place to go. But, my heart is not into it anymore. It is getting harder and harder to put on a fake smile. The uncomfortable feeling of trying to fit in, think of conversation to have with people I don't know well or at all is not something I can do right now.
I am disappointed in myself for not making decisions which would have kept me out of this situation. I try to remind myself that things happen for a reason. Yet, no one is getting any younger, and the longer I am away from home, the more I miss.
When will life be in order where I can go and celebrate these important holidays and spend time with the people who are familiar to me, who are MY family? I'm exhausted and heartbroken by it. Right now I am putting all my energy and focus on paying bills and doing all I can to get to a situation where I can save up money so I can go home for Christmas. The level of devastation I will experience if I do not get to go is unexplainable.
Whatever your plans are for this holiday season, if you get to spend it with family, give thanks. Be grateful. Because not everyone has that blessing that we often take for granted.
A view of Rice Lake, the lake which my home town is named after: Rice Lake, WI
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