I wish my life was different. I realize many of us do. I get five steps ahead to slide back ten. Good things are happening and progressing, yet my heart desires are else where. I don't know if what I want is possible. I don't know if the life I desire so deeply in my heart exists. All I know is I am ready for my life to be in that place. Unfortunately, I do not know if it will ever happen.
It is increasingly frustrating to watch my relatives and friends get married. I attend as a bridesmaid or now more often as an attendee. It hurts my heart to know I have not experienced this "love" lasting, vow taking in my life. My twin cousins have recently gotten married, both now own their own homes and share their lives with their husbands. What about me? When will it be my turn?
I see these photos of this "Chad" who is actually "Ricky", one in particular makes my heart drop. It is a photo of a really cool snowman, the three kids and Ricky. The snowman has antlers and a hat. Makes me think Ricky put the antlers on it, which shows his fun and playful side. I love a man who can be confident in his playfulness, which is why I liked him so much.
When will I get to have a man in my life I get to wake up to? Someone who I can cherish and love who will love me and make me important in their life? Someone to come home to and wants to come home to me. Why has this been such a void in my life? Why is it when I find someone who I let my guard down, can see my life with, tells me he has told his parents, brothers about me, shared my profile pic with them, says he cares about me, wants to spend his life with me....is not who he says he is, and has a wife and three kids at home. Who does that?
I have been manipulated, used to fill a void and entertainment.
Part of me feels I am more sad about having to start over and wonder the 'if's' about my life, than the actual loss of Chad, although, that is a big step back for me. I truly thought things were coming together. Despite my concerns, he always had a reassuring story for me. I felt for it hook, line and sinker. I thought this rugged, handsome, smart, funny, man with his sexy little beard was that man who God had lined up for me. I loved that he was this rugged truck driver. I loved that he was a part of a big family (which I do not know if it even exists), I loved that he knew, or said he knew, how to work on a diesel engine and that his Grandpa had taught him what he knew. He said he liked to build fires and cook on an open flame, drink beer, be at home or go out and do stuff. Now I don't know what if any of that is even true. Maybe that is the life he wants to have, instead of the incredible life that he does currently have for himself. Who knows.
As Theresa tried to reassure me yesterday, "He has something very wrong with him. The key word 'him' not you".
I just wish I had not been brought into his game, or used for his entertainment to fill whatever void that exists in his life. I would have loved to be his everything, yet he has everything and it seems it is not enough.
Now, I sit and wonder what will come next, what will happen next, where I will finally end up. I just wish it was all in front of me and I was in the mix of it all, instead of this unknown waiting game.
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