About a year and a half ago I went through a very painful and extremely difficult break up. I had been advised by my family, friends and my lawyer (yes, I had to get a lawyer to get my boyfriend to leave me alone-after he ended it & I walked away) to get a restraining order on this individual. I did not and often I regret it.
This lead to what seems like endless struggle and challenges to get on my feet and piece my life back together. At one point and time I asked a friends husband who is quite insightful, "What is wrong with me?"
Thankfully, he was honest and replied, "nothing"
"There has to be something wrong with me"
"You don't make good decisions when it comes to men."
While this is insightful, it frightens and saddens me. Of all the things which could possibly be wrong, here is something I don't know how to fix. While I am content, at peace and happy being single, I can't help but wonder if I will ever find a man who will be in my life? If I do, will he be kind, respectful, loving and supportive of me? For several years there is a man who I have had interest in and a silent hope he and I would end up together. A few weeks ago he posted on his Facebook page a photo of him and a woman together. He looks very happy, and I do wish him the best. Yesterday, while taking a break from working on my business I popped onto Facebook. The first post in the newsfeed was this man announcing an official relationship with this woman. My heart sank. I want to be happy for him, this is what he wants in his life and I feel strongly this will be the woman that he marries. Yet, I am sad, probably because as, yes, this is his time, I wonder when will it be mine?
Granted I am still trying to get my personal life together, finally up on my feet but not where I want to be yet. So, I am probably not in the best condition to even be considering a relationship. Then the voices in my head begin saying things like, "I should be strong enough and content enough to be on my own". Along with things along the lines of "I am weak if that is what I want in my life" and "I'm not worthy".
Yet, in November friends and a couple family members brought into the conversation how I should not give up on love, "how I have so much to offer". They continued saying I should not close myself off and be open to the idea of dating again.
I began a conversation with a man online. I have only one bad cell phone pic of him, and he seems handsome, but I am not completely sure. He isn't much of a conversationalist, but I really like talking to him. He is a truck driver and early on Friday he told me he had been given a load which needed to go into Canada. Which means he doesn't use his cell phone or tablet while being International, therefore, I won't be hearing from him. I have missed talking to him, and I cannot help but wonder what is my bad decision grey area here? If there is one at all? Is he on my mind so much because he is the only one who I have felt drawn to since stepping into the idea of meeting someone? Do I like him or have an interest in him because I have been watching the Bachelor, which is a bad idea for me, and now feel I need/want someone in my life? Why do I miss talking to him so much? I don't even know if I will ever meet this person. Yet, there he is, and when a message shows up from him I find myself smiling.
Then there is this other man, who I would love to date, but I feel he is above my league. I would love for him to be attracted to me, but knowing he is surrounded by young, thin, pretty girls, what chance to I have?
I wish I could back track to when I didn't care, when I was hardened and free from thinking about this whole aspect of men. If I cannot make good decisions when it comes to men, then part of me wishes I did not want to be with a man. It would be ideal for me to just close off my heart and thoughts to it and free myself. Then I wouldn't have to think about it, wonder, and repeatedly tell myself, "it isn't going to happen" so I can try and close the door on it.
Who would want to be with me anyway?
Considering I don't want to be yelled at, verbally assaulted, physically abused, physically threatened and told repeatedly how I am a horrible person, then maybe it is for the best that I close off my heart. Because taking that chance, that risk, is scary as hell. I don't know if it is possible to find that someone who is gentle, kind, considerate, loving, romantic, respectful, thoughtful, supportive and would be proud to be with me. I'm not much of anything. I'm definitely not as pretty as I would like to be. So, what shot do I even have to try and catch the eye of someone? Especially, this one particular man who has my attention, who if given a chance I would treat like gold. I'm not sure it is an option in my life. Yes, time will tell, but my heart is heavy as it cannot take any more disappointment. It would be nice if I could find that person, who hopefully would be good to me, and spend my life with them.
Maybe...just maybe...it is not in the cards for me. As much as I would like it to be...my heart is sad, nervous and I am doubtful.
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